confused.

nothing
and everything
plays over in my mind
until i can no longer hear
the beats of my heart
or the tap
tap
tap
of that clock on the wall -
the one i got free when i spent too much money
on a swimming suit
that i justified because it actually fit
and covered the right places
and accented the others
and i liked the pattern
and the way the bottom was skirted -
a fashion i was glad to usher back in.

because i've never liked the way
pool apparel and i fit together
or the way i feel
all porcelain and cream
next to bronze, leathery blonds
with too much makeup
and too little fabric.

but now it's winter
and i guess things like that don't matter anyway.

the day we became storm troopers.

we rented a storm trooper costume for a project at work. it was an official costume. i thought that was cool. the guys thought it was amazing. it was perhaps the best day of their lives. everyone took turns wearing the costume, walking around the office. looking intimidating.

by the end of the day, the storm trooper was pretty much assimilated with the culture at the office. he wasn't very much of a talker though.

i couldn't let the costume leave our hands without trying it on myself. the problem is that it was meant for a 6 foot something male. so, the base layer was enormous on me.

i was the shortest storm trooper ever. and i stood like a girl. (according to the kings of storm trooper-stance knowledge.)

i still managed to surprise a few people before i turned in my storm trooperness for good.

let's talk about this diet...

this diet i'm on sucks. it's not to lose weight, so don't start freaking out on me and giving me the, "but you look emaciated," feedback. because first of all, i don't look emaciated and second of all, this diet is supposed to help my bladder. great. okay. but variety is no longer the spice of my life. in fact, i can't eat spices at all. nothing hot. nothing curried. nothing with soy sauce or tomato or whatever other yumminess i used to thrive on. so what has become my staple dinner? potato chips. kill me now.

today i changed it up and melted some feta on the chips. i feel like the personification of grease pit when all i want is lox and cream cheese. or pickled herring. or sushi drenched in soy sauce and wasabi and pickled ginger.

cry me a river, please. i'm being serious.

notes from the weekend. (volume 12 or something)

1. i washed sally (my car) at turtle wax. great idea. i asked for vanilla fragrance. even better idea. instead, they gave me baby powder fragrance. now sally smells like a cabbage patch kid. gross.

2. i had pizza at pizza bella. please eat there.

3. i bought the rocket summer's newish cd. you should, too.

4. i went mattress shopping at nebraska furniture mart. i loathe that place. and i'm sorry, but mattress shopping is awkward. all these people laying on beds with their kids and or their spouse. i bet if pets could go into NFM, they'd call their dog up on the bed, too. i'm of the opinion that sleeping is a personal, private thing. i don't like seeing it in public. nor do i enjoy laying on the beds to "try them out." it just seems wrong.

5. i also went to forever 21 where after digging through rack after rack of cheaply made designer-like fashions, i found an outfit for an upcoming event in which the attire is 'creative cocktail.' yeah, i don't know what that means either. but, i think i'm going to pull it off.

the dark.

it's overwhelming here in the dark.
maybe because it's too vast,
too empty -
too scary to face in the black night
when being alone sinks in,
setting my heart in motion -
beating faster
and faster
and faster
until i can hardly decipher
the beating from the blinking
of my eyes
or the flickering over there
in the corner atop the candle.
the one that smells like orange and vanilla
and cloves.
the one placed in that colored glass covered in beads
and wire -
meant to match a house i no longer inhabit.
i was acquainted with the night there, too.
sleepless
restless
panicked.
but the sinking feeling haunting me now is new.
and there is no one there
at 3 a.m.
or 4
when i've been up
pacing
in pain
wanting to forget my bladder and my body and that moment when
i couldn't think about anything else.

this season.

i'm not sure i like
this winter.
ice-packed streets,
broken branches littering sidewalks,
trees begging for a new jacket -
a bright green, delicate garment
to clothe their nakedness...
hiding it
from a world that's been cold
for too long.

a world that's full of
woollen swathed, covered faces
with only eyes exposed -
beacons of life that exist above
scarves swishing in the negative windchills
and
hands cloaked in leather.

eyes that look up at the branches cracking in the wind
- straining to glimpse signs of life
while feet remain stuffed inside fuzzy boots
and jean cuffs continue to be stained with salt -
residue.

the dirt of the season.

today.

can i be frank with you, dear readers? okay thanks. because there is no other way to tell this story. there's no skirting around the terms and the facts. the procedure i had done today involved a catheter, three different types of solutions and my bladder. it also involved a very pensive, nervous me, a nurse practitioner and lots of lydocaine jelly.

the goal was to see if my bladder could tell the difference between a regular water solution and a solution that contained potassium. it's one of the tests they do to confirm or rule out IC, the condition they believe i have. yep, to confirm this problem, they have to induce pain. this is why i was so worried. i also didn't want to be able to feel the potassium. i wanted to think it was water. i wanted to be okay and not sick from this stupid problem. hence, the scared post from yesterday.

when the nurse put the catheter in, it hurt. a lot. i imagine it was close to the sensation a female cat feels while mating. (i've heard that the male cat's "thing" has spikes on it. and that's why the female cat cries during mating.) wow, i just realized i'm not sure if that's a fact or not. but anyway, let's just say i felt like a knife was in my urethra. lovely, no?

so hooray for me, i couldn't tell a huge difference between the solutions. the most pain and discomfort i had was from the catheter, not from the solutions. this is a very good sign. i may now only have one problem instead of two. but we won't know for sure until february 5th.

but getting on with the pain of my day, the last solution they put into my poor, defenseless bladder was a cocktail of sorts. it contained a steroid and a numbing thing and then something to help my irritated bladder wall heal. they told me i needed to be sure to urinate out this cocktail in four hours. i said, "no problem." and then, they sent me on my way.

four hours later, i neither felt the need to urinate nor could i urinate. um,i usually have to go every few hours. and i'd had a ton of coffee, four glasses of water and this freaked me out. a lot. i was panicked. i left multiple messages with the nurse. i got on this message board for IC patients where people told me it was an urgent situation that needed attention. now. not later. so, i was driven back to the doctor.

and um, when i got there, they told me this was normal. NORMAL. not being able to pee is a NORMAL reaction to this cocktail. i shouldn't worry. i should take a warm bath or something and just relax. ha. i wonder if i sounded pissed off when i told them they should've let me know that BEFORE sending me on my merry way.

so, that was my day. good news that i didn't react terribly to the potassium. good news that my bladder still functions. but, man, this thing is stressful.

thanks for reading. and i hope you all still like me.
(it's not every day a 28-year-old has bladder issues.)

scared.

i don't want to go to my doctor's appointment tomorrow. i don't want to drive myself. i don't want to go to sleep because i'll just lie there worrying about it. i hate this.

and also, i can't believe heath ledger died. he was 28. i'm 28. i'm really sad for him and his baby and for michelle williams.

also randomly, i dressed as a storm trooper today at work. in an authentic costume. i was dressed this way when i heard about heath.

photo to come of the shortest storm trooper on record.

scared, i forge into the coming night...

something vague.

There's something about a bright eyes song that does this to me. it makes me listen to it on repeat for hours. days. consecutive weeks, even. today and yesterday and the day before it's been "something vague." here are the lyrics.



Now and again it seems worse than it is,
but mostly the view is accurate.
You see your breath in the air as you'll climb up the stairs
to that coffin you call your apartment.
And you sink in your chair, brush the snow from your hair and drink the cold away.
And you're not really sure what you're doing this for but you need something to fill up the days.

A few more hours.

There's a dream in my brain that just won't go away.
It's been stuck there since it came a few nights ago
And I'm standing on a bridge in the town where I lived as a kid with my mom and my brothers.
And then the bridge disappears and I'm standing on air with nothing holding me.
And I hang like a star, fucking glow in the dark, for all those starving eyes to see,

like the ones we've wished on.
But now I'm confused. Is this death really you? And do these dreams have any meaning?
No. No, I think it's more like a ghost that's been following us both.
Something vague that we're not seeing, something more like a feeling.

and, breathe.

i didn't have to work today. thank you, martin luther king jr. instead, i went to the doctor to get a diagnostic test done. it sucked. i mean really, really sucked. it hurt and i'm still uncomfortable. not too uncomfortable to go running though...which i did. 4.2 miles. outside. on semi-snow-packed streets. and it felt good. freeing. and for about 40 minutes, i forgot about my pain and discomfort and the other test i have coming up on wednesday. the one that is supposed to be even more painful than the one i had today. the one that i have to drive myself to because nobody can get time off of work to take me. the one that will probably make me cry. the one that will maybe definitively tell me what is wrong. or what could be wrong. and i'm dreading it. like the plague. so what do i do to get my mind off of it? i watch the tyra show. um, it's about the worst television show out there. not even kidding. so it didn't really work at getting my mind off of that which i dread. i think wednesday might just have to come and go. and then on thursday, i'll have conquered it. whatever it has in store. so here's what i'm looking forward to. running 3.5 miles tomorrow. starting a small group on wednesday. running 3.5 miles again on thursday. running a 5 mile long run on saturday and generally training again. it feels good. here's to 13.2.

this light.

there is a light
and it shines as bright as you let it.
- as i let it.

it's warm and welcoming
it always comes when invited
and its presence brings
joy
healing
comfort

but that doesn't mean there isn't confusion.
and it doesn't mean i haven't spent nights
crying
praying
asking why
debating
needing something tangible.

maybe i rely too much on blankets
feather pillows
soft robes
chamomile
and
flannel pants...

maybe.


(artist credit mackenzie thorpe.)

...

i have a picture on my desk of me high above the sarasota skyline. strapped to a parachute. looking like a speck amid a vast, cloudy sky. if the photo was a closeup, you'd see me cringing. trying not to pass out. crying a little bit. and you'd notice my tandem talking to me. suggesting that i look around and enjoy the view. reminding me to breathe. i kept breathing and i survived. and today, i'm remembering that. because this type of day makes me wonder how i'll continue for another hour or another minute feeling the way i do. the phantom pain that doesn't seem to originate from anything. leaving me to wonder what caused it. was it something i ate? i've been so good about my diet. and it can't be stress because i've been feeling pretty relaxed. and i've been sleeping enough - too much some might say. and i've been taking the medication and reading the pamphlets and talking to people and asking questions and last night at 810 zone, i drank water. water. i didn't even have a sip of a beer or wine or gin or something that i would have liked to consume. and i didn't order finger food. and later, i found out that the cereal and pita chips i bought have ascorbic acid in them, so i decided to give them away. i've been surviving on turkey, mozzarella and wheat bread. olive oil, cucumber. some salt. and i've been listening to this play list i created. and as i start to get sucked into the emotion as damien rice croons,"i gave me away, i could have knocked off the evening, but i was lonelily looking for someone to hold. in a way i lost all i believe in..." the next song starts. and it's waterdeep. and they remind me - holy is the lord god all mighty. and for a second, everything seems okay. and this pain seems bearable. and this day seems conquerable. because heaven and earth are filled with his glory. and i need something like that to hold on to.

today.

1. it smells like serious feet near my cube. i can't figure out if it's me. isn't it true that when you are the one causing the stink, you usually can't smell it? that's a truth i'm clinging to today.

2. it took me 15 minutes to get to work today. i live one minute away. thank you, snow.

3. while stuck in my car on the snowy road, i heard two rascal flats' songs. on two separate stations. and i'm unashamed to say that i sung out loud to both.

4. i'm going to see a movie tonight. for free.

5. i'm becoming increasingly fond of cream cheese and mozerella (since they are the only kind i can eat.)

6. i only miss brie a little bit.

7. i just lied. i miss it so much i can feel my stomach crying.

8. my hair is getting longer and i think i'll let it keep growing.

9. check back in a month and i'll probably have broken down and cut it.

10. if i cut it, i'll likely post a picture.

and then, the day brings this.

i guess i've been dealing with this chronic issue since high school. maybe back then i didn't recognize that it was abnormal. i was used to my own habits. and so, if i had to get up to go to the bathroom four or five times a night, i just did. no big deal. and in college, when i set up my loft-style bed and began to wonder if it was too dangerous due to my several-bathroom-trips-a-night bladder, i thought other people were just like me. and then when i started to get what i thought were recurrent UTIs in my 20s, but the cultures never grew out anything, i just thought maybe my UTIs were different. even this year, in october, when i tried six different kinds of antibiotics to find absolutely no symptom relief, i still wanted to believe it was just an infection. because i'd read about a more chronic condition, and i didn't want to have it. the daily medication, the pain, the emotional turmoil. no, that was not for me.

yesterday, i learned it was. i finally got a diagnosis that makes sense. but it's also scary. it's several doctor's appointments a week scary. and it's prescriptions and co-pays at the tune of $500 a month scary. it's being on my own without someone to take care of me scary. it's losing my friends scary. it's becoming depressed scary. it's needing to function at work and in life scary. and, um, i'm frightened.

but, there is a light. i know there is. i started a new medication last night that is already working wonders on my symptoms. but, it makes me incredibly drowsy. (the doctor said that should go away in five days or so.) and with physical therapy and some other barbaric-seeming treatments, i have hope that i will beat this. some people deal with it their entire lives. suffering. in pain. i don't want to. not me. that is not what my life is going to turn out to be.

so, i'm going to keep up the running as long as i'm able. i'm going to stick to the nasty diet that's been recommended and i am going to try to find a way to pay for the medication and treatments without going into sever debt. because for the first time in a long time, i have a plan to stick to that can help me beat this (or at least the symptoms of it.) and even though all of the rest is scary. at least i know there is hope.

this is not normal.

okay, so my UTI issue is sort of resolving into a much more serious/chronic problem. ugh. because of this problem, i've been taking a medication that dries me out. like, i don't have to pee as much. part of the drying, though, side-effectively takes place in my mouth, throat and eyes. before today, it's been bearable. today has been awful. my throat is raw because i have no saliva. my eyes are burning because they are so dry. and then, i was stupid and went running. i noticed that after about two miles, i hadn't sweat a drop. not one. and i felt really hot. my skin was red...but i figured i'd sweat eventually and ran one more mile. um, that's when i started to freak out. no sweating. no saliva. fear of heat stroke set-in like a mofo. then i got home and did some research on this medication. it says to avoid exercise and overheating. to avoid hot tubs and saunas. all because heat stroke is a real complication of this drug. um, yeah. so i'm not taking it anymore. my face is still bright red from my run. and my run was two hours ago. why can't my body just go back to normal? this is beyond frustrating.

and with that, i'm going to dinner.

last night.

i went to an industry event. for networking. and to see some cool creative. i don't like networking, but it's something i force myself to do. i figure, the more i do it, the more comfortable it will become, right? maybe.

anyway, across the room i noticed someone who i'd worked with on a project years ago. at another job. did i mention it was years ago? anyway, at the end of the event, he came up to me. i thought it was because he remembered me from when we worked together. but, he didn't. instead, he said that he reads my blog, noticed me from across the room, and had to come say hi.

i was flattered. and also began to wonder how many people that i see day-to-day recognize me from my blog? so many of you are anonymous readers. non-commenters. harmless observers.

but it would be interesting if you commented and told me if you've ever seen the likes of me out and about.

and, to the guy i met (again) last night, thanks for reading. and for saying hi. it was nice to meet you (again.)
:)

60 things about me.

1. right now, i have to stick to a low-acid diet. i hate it.
2. tomatoes and tomato products are one of my favorite foods.
3. aged cheese, smoked cheese and brie are also up there on my list.
4. now, i must settle for mozzarella and cream cheese. (i must also avoid tomatoes like the plague.)
5. i'm sort of a foodie.
6. i'm not sure i'm proud of that.
7. i don't watch food network as much as i used to.
8. i now spend more time watching back seasons of shows like "lost."
9. i also like to watch 'the girls next door.' it's such a train wreck.
10. right now, i'm watching scenes from hitchcock's "the birds." on a hugeass television that is not mine.
11. i need a new television.
12. i also need to get dvr.
13. i spent this new year's eve in florida.
14. last year, i went to bed at 10:30.
15. i enjoy discovering new music every day.
16. today, i listened to songs that were featured on last nights season premier of "one tree hill."
17. i'm a copywriter at an interactive advertising agency.
18. i work on a team with all boys.
19. i'm not as innocent as i was two years ago when i started there.
20. and i sometimes cuss more than i used to.
21. my baby sister had a child in december.
22. i am now an aunt.
23. i don't think i babysat much when i was little and so, i often compare my niece to gus.
24. i am obviously so not ready to be a mother.
25. my favorite food of the moment is Pho. (vietnamese rice noodle soup.)
26. i prefer my Pho to be made with thinly sliced rare beef.
27. if i'm making meat sauce, i used ground buffalo instead of beef.
28. since august of 2006, i've been eating mostly organic.
29. i no longer get a migraine once a month.
30. this year, i was diagnosed with GERD (reflux.)
31. i was supposed to take prevacid every day for the rest of my life.
32. i stopped taking it.
33. i feel fine.
34. i am a former home owner.
35. i'm watching lots of co-workers and friends purchase their first homes.
36. it's very strange to be renting again.
37. i could own a home if i wanted probably.
38. if i did own a home, i'd hope to have gus at it.
39. i miss gus so much that it hurts.
40. though i had a fabulous time in florida, the whole way home i ached for gus.
41. gus may have been what helped keep me sane.
42. i'm doing okay without him, but i wish i could hold him again. just once.
43. maybe i get too attached to pets.
44. my childhood golden retriever is still alive.
45. i saw him a few days ago and then i had a dream that he died.
46. i think the universe is telling me to get a pet.
47. i used to be allergic to cats.
48. somehow, it went away this year.
49. i have fallen in love with a certain white cat.
50. this cat has opened my eyes to a whole new realm of possibilities.
51. i no longer go to legacy christian church.
52. i sort of float between churches right now.
53. i was supposed to start a new small group tonight but couldn't because i feel like crap.
54. i will go next week.
55. the last two times i went to church, my favorite person in the world went with me.
56. it felt good to have them there.
57. i think i've grown a lot in my understanding of God this year.
58. and i've never been more confused.
59. 'blue like jazz' by donald miller revolutionized my life.
60. i think i'm about due for some more revolutionizing.

sucked in.

i watched the 2-hour season premier of one tree hill last night. i didn't watch the last two seasons of the show, buy my sister called to tell me about the premier. and i had nothing else to do. so i drank a glass of wine, watched it and um, got hooked. the thing is, it was totally lame. adding to the lamocity was the name of one of the character's new clothing line, "clothes over bro's." can we say gross apostrophe misuse? yes. we can.

on the subject of being sucked in, i had never seen a single episode of LOST until a few months ago. and even though the acting is bad and the dialogue writing is bad, the plots are interesting. and so, i can't stop. i just bought season 2 off i-tunes for $35. so, i really can't stop now. i'm invested.

ugh. i'm a slave to the tv. and, i sort of like it.

this little wonder made me an aunt.

favorite.

i got this for christmas.

and in other news...

i'm back to my training schedule. working up to an event in april. i have a running buddy, who i am currently "training." we ran outside tonight. we're beginning with 3 mile maintenance runs with long runs at the end of each week. i'm running a 10K at the end of the month, but i'm stepping back my weekly totals for the benefit of having someone to run with. it makes it so much better. more fun. less scary. and tonight was perfect. 56 degrees. busy streets. fresh air. it was the opposite of the treadmill, and i loved it.

here's to getting my running legs back.

...

on new year's eve. raising the roof. yeah, i did that. hanging my head in shame.

i wanted these chairs.

and now, we should all read Present magazine.

this is cool.


thank you cate bennett.

florida.

inflatable christmas-themed yard balloons vomited all over the grounds of the place we stayed. it was gaudy. it was really out of place. and it was hilarious. i thought this band needed a piano player. (please note the shorts and sleeveless shirt. yes, it was december 29.)


a sushi dinner began new years eve. a sort of drunken cab ride back to the condo ended it.


new year's day was the day i flew. this was taken before i made the biggest mistake of my life. (okay, not really the biggest mistake...but i hated it.)

more photos to come...

hi.

i don't like heights. i don't enjoy flying. i don't like not being in "control" of physical situations. why did i think i'd like parasailing? 800-feet above the water hooked in with nothing but a rope was not my cup-of-tea. i think i may have ruined the ride for my tandem. more time was spent reminding me to breathe than actually looking around at the shoreline and ocean and how tiny the boat looked below.

other than that mishap, it was a great trip. 80-degree weather. beaches. dancing. sand. running outside without winter gear. crab legs.

but on the way home, i realized that i'd never returned from a trip without coming home to mr. woof. i was feeling quite reflective on the flight back to this frozen tundra, and i ached. for gus. and for some semblance of home. i need to be better about defining what that is. maybe by next year, i'll feel more settled.

as a side note: i added up my miles for the year. i ran about 760. more than last year, but not my goal. for 2008, i'd like to run 1,000. here's to avoiding injury.

ringing it in.

i parasailed over siesta key, florida on new years day. i hated every second of it. what was i thinking?

anyway, how did you ring in the new year?