the dark.

it's overwhelming here in the dark.
maybe because it's too vast,
too empty -
too scary to face in the black night
when being alone sinks in,
setting my heart in motion -
beating faster
and faster
and faster
until i can hardly decipher
the beating from the blinking
of my eyes
or the flickering over there
in the corner atop the candle.
the one that smells like orange and vanilla
and cloves.
the one placed in that colored glass covered in beads
and wire -
meant to match a house i no longer inhabit.
i was acquainted with the night there, too.
sleepless
restless
panicked.
but the sinking feeling haunting me now is new.
and there is no one there
at 3 a.m.
or 4
when i've been up
pacing
in pain
wanting to forget my bladder and my body and that moment when
i couldn't think about anything else.