birthday beginings.

tonight, the birthday craziness begins. and by "craziness" i mean b and i are having dinner with my dad. sushi. and i am probably going to order my very favorite roll just for me. i'm not sharing. because i'm turning 30, and i can crunch through the fried outside into the cream-cheese and crab-filled inside and enjoy it all by myself. wow, that sounded dirty. sorry about that.

i love sushi. like, with all my heart. i get extra wasabi and i like to use the full-sodium soy sauce. b gets the one with the green top, the lighter in sodium one. which i think is a total ripoff. soy sauce is there to be salty and a little nutty. but mostly salty.

i also enjoy seaweed salad in this strange, raw, animal-like way. i love the way that it crunches and slips and slides through my teeth. i like how little bits get stuck between the gaps. i like to get smoked squid on top of it. and the best is to get a bite of seaweed, dripping in sesame oil and sprinkled with sesame seeds. delicious.

so yeah, the craziness begins tonight. with eating.

and wine. i will be drinking wine.

change.

saturday, i turn 30.
30.
i think i had a list of things to do before i turned 30.
i don't know where i put it.
or what was on it.
or what wasn't.
i don't know if it included things like:
have two kids
drive a volvo
have a full-time job
or
complete a full-marathon.
maybe it said:
dye your hair once
be happy for a month straight
adopt a pug
and
learn to knit.
or maybe it was more like:
travel to france
learn italian
and
find the perfect pair of jeans and then buy them in every color.
what it didn't say was:
lose your job
celebrate the big 30 on an unemployed budget
be in love with your best friend
adopt a mutt
accept your body on most days
run another half marathon
live in your favorite neighborhood
remember, again, for the 100th time, again, why God is good.
so i guess it's good i lost the list.
because i wrote it many lives ago
when i was someone else
living someplace else
trapped inside
walls that
suffocated
even me.

ATTACK

today while on a walk, my sister, my niece and i were charged by an angry pit bull. cars slammed on their breaks. people looked at us with "helpless" faces. amy positioned the jogging stroller between us and the gnashing dog, and it went past us. stopped. looked back. growled, barked, snarled, and for some reason, kept running in the other direction.

i have not yet recovered.

the light.

today, i get a shot. i'm going to take a shower, put on something other than "running clothes," drive downtownish and attend a meeting. after that, i'm going to sit at a desk, concept with an art director and come up with creative, new, hopefully amazing ideas. then i will go home. have a "jessi has a shot" celebratory dinner with B and then go to bed. and on monday, i'll go back downtownish and do it again.

i'll be doing this three days a week for a month.

and hopefully at the end of a month, i'll just keep going back. hopefully.

so...here goes nothin'.

and so it goes.

yesterday, i cried spontaneously three times. i felt talentless and frustrated and i just really needed something good to happen.

today, something good happened.

i had a great meeting with a creative director at an agency i would kill to work at. and by "kill" i mean i would "die" for the chance. and by "die" i mean i would like very much to work there and landing there might be the highlight of my year. (the year is yet to be over, but so far, this year has been, well, you know...)

and he liked my work. a lot. and he told me this. more than once. and on the inside i was thinking, "yeah, YEAH, yeah, someone LIKES my work today. yes! whoohooo!!!! and at an agency i dream about. and omg did he really just say it was great? and wow, is this really going so well? and also, it smells like bacon in here and i really want some bacon and whoa, this is exhausting, putting myself out there like this and wow, nice icebreaker that we can talk about running and gosh, i'm so glad i'm a runner and he's a runner and it's like this bond..."

and on the outside i was all, "thanks. yes of course. i'll follow-up for sure. thanks for your time." but i think maybe he saw the light in my eyes.

so i learned a lesson - yet again. this rollercoaster of unemployment is, exactly that, a rollercoaster. one day, i'm in a pit - and the next, as cheesy as it sounds, i'm on cloud 9.

so no matter where this goes, i have to remember. someone today liked my work. someone whose opinion i value. someone who knows good work when he sees it. someone who was kind enough to meet with me. on a tuesday. in the middle of a busy schedule. because he liked my work.

a day at the office.

i had a great weekend.

and now i am super stressed out.

close to home.

maybe you are one of the lucky ones. you've never heard of a pre-existing condition. you have affordable health insurance provided by your employer or by your spouse's employer. you're not worried that one of you could lose your job and, immediately, your benefits. you never get sick. you don't remember your doctor's first name. you've never needed an x-ray, to see a specialist or to be on expensive medication.

well, i'm not one of you.

the day i lost my job, i lost my benefits. and because of a pre-existing condition, i had to elect immediate COBRA coverage. this is because, if i, or anyone with a pre-existing condition, ever has a lapse in health insurance, they are blacklisted from most plans. so then, for the rest of their life, they either can't be covered or they have to pay upwards of $800 a month to sustain coverage.

COBRA was costing me close to $350 a month. but then, the government offered to subsidize it for awhile. so, until january 1, i can continue the health insurance plan i had while i was working at VML for about $110 a month. not bad.

but when the calendar strikes 2010, it goes back up. and that's more than my car payment. and i have no choice but to pay it. and then, in about 8 more months, i lose COBRA all-together. and god-forbid i still don't have a full-time, benefits-paying job, i will be forced to buy individual coverage for a huge premium because i need it to cover:
1. physical therapy
and
2. certain medications

okay. so see? see why all this talk about healthcare issues is important? becuase if you thought it was only affecting "other people" you were wrong. and i'm not even close to the worst case.

there are people who are dying because they were afraid to go to the doctor to get something as simple as, "i've been feeling tired a lot lately" checked out. and then it was too late. and they are dead. because they can't get health insurance for reasons as stupid as pre-existing conditions.

i know that nothing the government does will make things perfect. but at the very least, pay attention to what's happening. talk to people around you about how it is affecting them. your neighbors. the cashier at the grocery store. your nanny.

just educate yourself.