huh.

i bought kolby a new toy at world market. he's already mostly destroyed it. it said it was for "tough chewers." um, i guess the kong is all he can have.

i also bought myself a present. a bag of hawaii kettle chips. i opened the bag and ate part of it on the drive home. it was awesome.

stuffed.

i went to taste of kansas city last night. i ate for three hours without really stopping. it was insane.

the food wasn't even THAT good. but i paid $25 to get in, so i wanted to get my money's worth. you know.

so. regretting it. today.

yuck.

on the upside, i did discover that the coconut shrimp from lucky strike are amazing.

milestones.

today, kolby peed AND pooped during a thunderstorm.

then, he decided to use my beautiful sham pillow as a tool on which to dry himself.

you win some, you lose some.

sunday morning walk.

welcome to my head.

i was going to write a post about why i hated saint louis. about the traffic. and the congestion. and the lack of interesting things to do. but, i don't want to write that one. not today, at least.

instead i'm going to write about how much i'm hating certain parts of life right now. let's begin with exercise. i don't enjoy exercising when it's not running. i dread going to the gym. the elliptical is boring. it's hot and sticky and smelly in there and i have to look at people on the treadmills.

i'm really struggling with balancing food and exercise and life right now. it's because of this damn medication and it's really pissing me off. as if my issue wasn't bad enough, throwing weight gain and puffiness into the mix just makes it on the verge of unbearable. i know this seems dramatic. but, seriously.

i woke up at 4:30 a.m. in a fit of panic. i then stayed in bed until 7 with this gomez song stuck in my head feeling my anxiety increase and increase and increase.
i don't even like the gomez song. i've only heard it twice. but there it was. every. single. word. of. it.
in my head. for two and a half hours.

i need to workout tonight. but i'm exhausted. from the lack of sleep and the poisonous anxiety. and for lunch, i had sushi. and the rice was way more vinegary than normal. and now i'm afraid a flare will come on.

see, i live in this limbo between feeling good and feeling bad. there's no middle ground. it's day-to-day. and on the good days, it's hard to forget that bad days are coming.

on the road for radiohead

the journey to see radiohead in saint louis was mostly lovely. but it was filled with lots of traffic, waiting and lines.

our seats were in the lawn.
so we bought these chairs. for $9 each.

we didn't actually sit in them very much. and for dinner, we ate kettle corn.

....the entire bag.

it gave me a sugar high. which, mixed with a glass or two of wine made me dance like this. (see above.)

radiohead decided not to use the jumbotron. instead, they had a fantastic light show.


other than that, and dinner on the hill, i'm sort of not a fan of saint louis. i prefer kansas city and do not plan to venture back. unless radiohead comes again. or pigs fly.

note: post about why i dislike saint louis to come.

hi.

radiohead was amazing. they played my favorite, fake plastic trees. and they ended with paranoid android. i was happy.

why you should hate me.

i'm listening to the new deathcab for cutie album. and it's good. don't let the released single fool you. i hated it. but the rest of the album is stellar. really.

deathcab is maybe one of my favorite bands. not of all time. but you know, they're nice to listen to.

radiohead, however, is one of my all-time favorites. always and forever. and guess what? tomorrow, i'm seeing them. live.

yay.

change.

if change is good, how come it's so hard?

covering bruises.

i have these bruises
on awkward places
like my heart --
stuck in far corners
like those fake cobwebs you decorate with
on halloween.

and most times, these bruises --
these spots of old soreness and pain --
are quiet.

and i forget they're there

until something unrelated to the original wound
strikes the bruise
with a hammer's blow
and then, all at once, a rush of emotion
and fear
pain
and longing
disgust
and this feeling of smallness
overtakes me.

but just know that it's not always you
or your words
deeds
or small offenses
that create the spillage of buckets of tears
or the boiling bubbling pain
no...
it's not always you

and so i continue
to wrap each bruise
in delicate lace
and satin
and in the most beautiful cashmere sweater
ever
because each day with you
heals wounds i don't think i knew
i had.