let down.

today flowers came to the door. and they weren't for me!

there were even tulips, my favorite spring flower.

i thought they were for me. until i read the card.

totally. bummed. out.

i want.

this. in grey.

day 21 perspective.

i was walking around the river market today taking photos and a homeless man asked me to take his. i sorta laughed and he commented on what a beautiful day it is. i said, "it really is. but it's supposed to rain later." he replied, "don't tell me that, my wife and i have to sleep outside tonight."

the big 20.

on my twentieth day of unemployment, i woke up and went to church. then i went to the grocery store to buy stuff to make chicken tortilla soup - to eat for lunch and dinner the entire week. made it. went to the gym. read. worked on my website. watched marley and me. cried my eyes out (seriously.) hugged kolby for an extra long time. wondered "why me?" a lot. felt angry. sad. depressed. relieved. exhausted. motivated and completely blank. noticed white crap covering my left tonsil. checked facebook. twittered. ate some chocolate. went to bed.

days 18 and 19.

i'm listening to 'a beautiful mess' by jason miraz on the couch on an icy day sitting next to my B and my kolby and for today, i'm content.

yesterday, i went to the doctor because i've been waking up in the middle of the night unable to breathe. ironic isn't it? she sent me for a chest x-ray (hello, debt) to make sure the bronchitis hand't turned into pneumonia or a bruised lung or worse. it hadn't. so off i was sent, with an inhaler in hand and a real hate for COBRA and the cost of its premiums.

day 17. blah diddy dah.

the best thing about today is that MU has maybe never played this good. ever.

tomorrow, i'm going to the doctor to see about the fact that i may have developed adult onset asthma of all things. joy.

oh, also. instead of buying a full-size bottle of shampoo, i bought the travel-size. crossing my fingers that i have a job by the time it is empty.

day 16. the ugh.

today was by far the lowest day i've had yet. i mean low. like crying a lot low. not eating low. wanting to start drinking at noon low. and this is what a friend told me. he said i'd be on this emotional roller coaster. where one day, i'd be great (yesterday) and the next, i'd be wondering why i'm even breathing (today.) and the thing is, in the thick of today, i saw no way out. none. i was so utterly depressed that i just didn't care. and it's like i'm so envious of anyone who has a job. and how all day, they get to be working. are you hearing me? they GET to be working. okay, see? this is where i'm at. and then how at night, if there is nothing to do but eat leftovers and watch crappy television, it's okay, because their mind has been so challenged all day, and because they've attended so many meetings and have pleased so many people, they can just become a couch vegetable. and it is satifying. but not me. no. all day i sit. i check email. i check the job boards. over and over and over. i go running. i go to the gym. i eat. i snack. i drink carbonated beverages and talk to my dog. i go on a walk. i call my sister. i call my dad and hope he remembers what we talked about yesterday. i wait. for a big break. or for a phone call. or for someone to say "hey, let's go do this friday night." or "i know you're going through a hard time, here's what i did for you." "hey look, i got you a new shirt even though i shouldn't have." and see, that's so silly. because like that would make any sort of difference. i'd still be sitting there. all day. on the couch. looking for jobs that don't exist. wanting to just finish my new york times best selling memoir. and then retire. it's just that when i'm going through the depths - absolute depths - of the deep...i just really need something to look forward to.

day 15.

today, i started writing my memoir. and wow, i feel so much better. just getting out of the house to be creative (and to drink a lot of coffee) made such a difference.

day 14.

has it really been two weeks?

it's 1:15 in the afternoon, and i'm still drinking coffee. i woke up at 7:30 to finish my homework from last week's job interview. then did some job-hunting, then went running. were any of you outside at 11:00? can we say "windy." running against the wind isn't as fun as bob seger makes it out to be. so i cut my run short by about a mile. that's okay though. 3 miles felt like just enough.

now i'm waiting to get ready for an interview i have today. hoping the rain holds off so that my hair isn't a frizzy mess. not so great for first impressions.

wish me luck.

day 13.

they love each other.

i love them. and had a good day. up early for a run. then church. then grocery store. then, i made chili and went to my dad's for dinner and now, i'm exhausted.

night.

day 12 (to the toon of "taxman" by the beatles.)

you guessed it. visited the tax man this morning. and, lucky me is getting a refund. not huge. but not zero. so yay. good timing, no?

then, b and i headed to westport to meet his sisters and nice and nephew at jerusalem cafe. word to the wise: if you have a party of 6 or more, they add 25% gratuity. yeah. no joke.

after a trip to prydes old westport and a super smart $11 purchase of dried habanero spice (thanks, b), we were pooped.

so tonight called for watching the kiter runner, sipping a vodka cocktail and petting the dog and cat. they cuddle now. pictures soon, promise.

cheers.

the lightbulb.

i ran an errand today on the plaza. at 3:30. and i could. it was crisp outside - my favorite weather. partly sunny with a slight chill. jacket weather, but not a coat. and the real promise of rain was hanging out on the horizon. so i'm sitting at this stoplight and i pop in my frightened rabbit cd. and i'm singing. loud. with passion and facial expressions, and i'm looking around out of shame becuase, i'm thinking, "is someone from my old job in their car next to me? will they see me and think i'm a total loser." this is, literally, what i thought. and you know what, i'm ashamed of that. because happy is a state of mind. happy is intentional. happy isn't being employed. it doesn't come in the form of a paycheck or a nameplate on a cubicle. no, happy is something much, much bigger.

and i'm happy.

day 10 and 11.

yesterday, i had a promising job interview. i was sent away with a homework assignment - due monday. honestly, this whole jobless thing has somewhat zapped my creativity, so i'm struggling more with this homework than i normally would. but i'm getting it done, and hopefully, when it's complete, it will wow and amaze.

now, i'm watching march madness. let's go, mizzou.

day nine.

what i meant to say was, i have a job interview tomorrow. as in thursday. not today.

went running again today.

sorry i'm so boring right now.

day eight.

i have a job interview tomorrow.

i also learned something today. never, and i repeat, never, go downtown or to costco during the st. patrick's day parade.

seeking clarity, or: day seven.

and then
suddenly
like a bullet to the brain
or really
more like a train crushing your scull
your life changes course
drastically veering --
off road
to the left of where you thought you were going.
and about a mile in,
the storm clouds hang
heavy like the night
that seems all
too
imminent
and then the rain --
the rain that you thought was over with the drought --
comes back.
suddenly
with fury
pouring acid and lightening and making you dream about tornadoes
as if it were already spring.
so you take a walk
on a brisk day that should be warmer
and as you walk, bundled in workout sweats
a hoodie
gloves and
that
long
tan
scarf
you see a green patch in the grass
between the highway
and the sidewalk
and for an instant
you are overcome
by peace.

portfolio progress

it's nowhere near complete. but it's getting there.

crackbook.

my Macbook cracked like this today.

day six.

i feel FAT. thanks to generous friends, i've eaten out for dinner every night since thursday. it goes like this:
thurs - four wings from the peanut
fri - bread, butter and mussels from le fou frog
sat - salad and spidini from carmen's
sun - sushi from that sushi place in crown center

and, i'm totally PMSing. so yeah, not feeling so slim and trim.

day five.

visited the tax man this morning. then whole foods. i think i love whole foods almost as much as i love food. b and i went in for lunch and ended up leaving with a week's worth of groceries.

and even though i'm going through some anger, i'm super happy that MU won today. and carmen's for my brother-in-law's birthday was yummy. then we went to crosstown station to see martin sexton. i'd never heard of him. he was okay, sorta reminded me of jack black in this strange way. the people watching was better than the show, in my opinion.

now it's off the bed to ready myself to greet the dawn. hopefully tomorrow, i'll be motivated enough to shower.

day four. or: if i wanted to, i could have a happy hour all day

trying to be more optimistic.
i got a one-hour deep tissue massage today courtesy of my sweetie. i'm sore from it but it was amazing. then, i took kolby on an hour-long walk where i got hit on by not one but two homeless men.

i got some really great job leads today, too. whoo hoo. now, off to meet a girlfriend for happy hour and celebration.

day three.

the stir craziness was insane. i met my sister, niece and the 3 year old she nannies at science city. that lasted an hour before the kids needed lunch and the excitement of the baby rats in the cages wore off. so then, i went to the gym. and took a shower. and returned my cable modem to time warner. and of course, applied for some jobs. but by then, it was only 2:45. so i watched a few episodes of that show where hair stylists swap locations and try to fit in with the new salon. i learned a new recipe for pork chops. and ate a bunch of jelly bellies.

wow. such a great life.

day two.

and yes, i plan to do this every day until it's over.

i woke up at 7:45 today and took a shower. this is a big deal, because yesterday, i didn't. i couldn't muster it.

after straightening my hair and putting makeup on, i put on workout clothes, because i can. and i went to have coffee with a friend. that was nice. and a rare treat to do so at 10:30 a.m. then, at noon, my dad bought me lunch.

during the course of the day, i applied for about four jobs, worked on my portfolio and watched oprah. it was about saving money when cooking. i am now determined to begin using my slow-cooker.

i went to the gym earlier than normal, and had my pick of treadmills. even my favorite was available. and tonight, i had small group. where for an entire hour, i got to vent, talk about frustrations and emotions and good things and bad things and where god is in all of this, and they listened and encouraged me and it felt so good.

and now i'm home. ready to face another day of unknown -- i think.

day one.

my eyes are stuck together. i feel like i'm going to be sick.

i slept six hours but didn't dream.

turn of events.

so today, i join the masses in the unemployment line.

and it sucks.

being an aunt.

about being sick at work.

if you are contagious. stay home.
seriously.
it's a no-brainer.
i got sick from sick people at work. i was in maui during my contagious period, but would have stayed home.
if you have a fever, go home. if you are vomiting, go home.
no one wants your germs. they are not worthy of show-and-tell.

k, thanks.

mistake.

i've had bronchitis since feb 20. for the first week, i was totally wiped out. exhausted, dizzy, feverish. but then, i started to feel better, even though the cough lingered. so i figured i could begin to exercise again due to the level of energy i was feeling. so saturday, i ran 3 miles up hills in maui. sunday, i traveled all day and was up for 30 hours, which sort of counts as a workout. monday, i worked out at the gym on the eliptical and did some weights. tuesday, i took my butt-kicking class at the gym. wednesday, i rested. and then yesterday, i ran a couple of miles outside with B after work. and it killed me. KILLED me. and today, my cough is worse. and i'm tired again.

i think i learned my lesson. now, if only the second round of high-powered antibiotic would start to kick in. i really don't want this to turn into pneumonia.

ridiculous.

bling water. the world is ending.

what i did last week.

the view from our back yard was incredible. (see above.)

the day that i got really sick, we'd spent some time hiking around this really windy point and we found a labyrinth.

maybe the wind helped bring about my sickness. who knows. oh well, there was a good photo opp here with me inside the labyrinth. check out that tatt.



on another hike, we found some really pretty, yellow bamboo. thank goodness B purchased a new Nikon D40 before the trip. it did such a nice job capturing what we were seeing.

like this waterfall, for example.

and this lovely couple on the beach. stunning.

the most touristy thing we did was go to a luau. it was rated one of the best in the world by the zagat survey, so i thought it would be worth it. it was. here they are unearthing the pig. the best pig i have ever eaten in my life. hooray for pig. (sorry amy.)

although we were disappointed that we didn't get leis when exiting our plane in the airport, we were thrilled to get real ones, made of orchids, at the luau. i guess the $100 ticket per person had to pay for something else other than the pig.

i've never seen anyone wear a lei so well. have you?

lunch these days.

while in maui, i was turned onto the idea of using a collard green as the "wrap" for a lunchtime sandwich wrap. collard greens are amazing sources of vitamins and protein. and even better, they only contain healthy carbs. and not many of them.

so today, i made b and i collard green wraps to bring to work.

inside was: 2 slices of organic turkey breast
a few ounces organic goat's milk cheddar cheese
a handful of spicy radish sprouts (organic)
3 organic cherry tomatoes, halved
shredded organic carrots
1 table spoon mayonnaise
salt
pepper

i liked it more than b did.

this side of paradise.

i want to go back. the weather was warm and sunny and windy. the ocean was blue and 75 degrees. the mountains were majestic and the vegetation was lush. the sand was white or black or red depending on the beach. the whales were everywhere, breaching and flipping their tails and making themselves known. and there were dolphins and my new favorite food, ahi poke. oh, and did i mention the waterfalls and the amazing house we stayed in that had an outdoor shower and an outdoor kitchen? and the view. the view from the back of the house was picture-perfect. the ocean, the mountains and the sunset. all there for our viewing pleasure every night. and in the morning, the sun glistened off the water and if you used the binoculars, you could see the whales dancing.

air travel - the highlights

hawai'i was amazing. but that's for another post. this one is about air travel. and it was not so amazing.

on the first flight out, to our 3 and 1/2 hour layover in phoenix, i was sitting in the middle between B and this random guy. about half-way through the flight, i hear what sounds like a razor blade cutting through a magazine. so i look over and see random guy holding the cover of a magazine up to try to hide the box cutter he was using to cut out the layout of the phoenix airport from the in-flight magazine. you read that right. a BOX f'ing CUTTER.

i went to the bathroom and told the flight attendant about the situation. this was the response, "well, how big is the blade? they're being a little more lax now."

seriously?

about five minutes later, the flight attendant came by our row and told B and i that there was an empty row a few up ahead and that if we wanted to "stretch out" we could move. we did.

then we had a 6 and 1/2 hour flight to maui. but first, we sat on the plane for 1 and 1/2 hours because obama just happened to be taking off from phoenix at the moment we were supposed to. joy.

okay, then we had 10 full days in maui. basking in the sun, hiking, staying in a multi-million dollar home...but like i said, i'll write about that later.

so after the trip, the flight from maui to phoenix (which took off at 11:40 p.m.) was turbulent for 5 hours. and then, after a layover in phoenix and a non-eventful (thank god) flight to KC, upon landing, the air masks above my head dropped down. hitting my head. none of the other ones dropped. just mine. and everyone sort of looked, laughed and clapped. i would have laughed, too...but the delirium was kicking in (i hadn't slept yet and it was 3 p.m.)

then an hour later, MU lost to KU.

note re: photo...that's what no sleep in 29 hours looks like. so deal.

i was there.