they pay to kiss your feet

since there's no one else around, we let our hair grow long and forget all we used to know. then our skin gets thicker from living out in the snow.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

day 16. the ugh.

today was by far the lowest day i've had yet. i mean low. like crying a lot low. not eating low. wanting to start drinking at noon low. and this is what a friend told me. he said i'd be on this emotional roller coaster. where one day, i'd be great (yesterday) and the next, i'd be wondering why i'm even breathing (today.) and the thing is, in the thick of today, i saw no way out. none. i was so utterly depressed that i just didn't care. and it's like i'm so envious of anyone who has a job. and how all day, they get to be working. are you hearing me? they GET to be working. okay, see? this is where i'm at. and then how at night, if there is nothing to do but eat leftovers and watch crappy television, it's okay, because their mind has been so challenged all day, and because they've attended so many meetings and have pleased so many people, they can just become a couch vegetable. and it is satifying. but not me. no. all day i sit. i check email. i check the job boards. over and over and over. i go running. i go to the gym. i eat. i snack. i drink carbonated beverages and talk to my dog. i go on a walk. i call my sister. i call my dad and hope he remembers what we talked about yesterday. i wait. for a big break. or for a phone call. or for someone to say "hey, let's go do this friday night." or "i know you're going through a hard time, here's what i did for you." "hey look, i got you a new shirt even though i shouldn't have." and see, that's so silly. because like that would make any sort of difference. i'd still be sitting there. all day. on the couch. looking for jobs that don't exist. wanting to just finish my new york times best selling memoir. and then retire. it's just that when i'm going through the depths - absolute depths - of the deep...i just really need something to look forward to.

7 Comments:

  • At 10:45 PM, Anonymous Patchchord said…

    Keep blogging. Keep running. Keep praying. (And I will pray for you too.)

    I've been where you are right now and it's a dark place. There will be light again, PG. It's going to take a lot of clawing and scratching and, yes, tears. But I KNOW you will find what you need coming out of this.

     
  • At 6:31 AM, Blogger Donna said…

    You'll come out of this stronger, but I know that isn't what you want to hear right now.

    I'm sorry you're going through this.

    When my husband went through an extended period of unemployment several years ago, I always told him, "Just ask yourself 'What is the worst thing that could come from this?'" We'd list the things, like we could lose our home, etc. But we figured we wouldn't die from unemployment, and we wouldn't starve. And we just kept putting one foot in front of the other.

     
  • At 10:01 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Hang in there! I know EXACTLY what you're feeling. I thank God everyday that I'm on antidepressants or I'd be manic-depressive for sure.

     
  • At 1:05 PM, Blogger Faith said…

    I remember that feeling well. The nights when I couldn't sleep, and would get up to go cry in the garage so I didn't wake up Leo, since, you know, he had to go to work the next day, and I was just the asshole he was stuck with that sat at home on her butt all day long, waiting, waiting, waiting...

    Your friend was right. And I hope there's at least some sort of solace in the fact that you are not alone, and most people that you're jealous of right now (those with jobs) have been in that same position before, too. (Not that that helps much, I know...)

    But also take solace in the fact that this post was beautiful, honest, heart-wrenching, and can be felt. You're a tremendous writer, sista.

     
  • At 7:54 PM, Anonymous allan d said…

    I am much older than you, but I can tell you that I went thru the same experience at your age. Lost a job, actually tried food stamps for awhile...never thought I would get over that. I did. Economic cycles come and go. I lost more money in the last year than I ever thought I would be worth when I was in your situation, and I'm still fine. You have family and you have a future...as dark as it gets I can assure you that you will come thru this and you will be better off for living the examined life. Keep writing, and trust that you are read.

     
  • At 3:52 AM, Blogger The Ramen Diaries said…

    Ugh. We're only starting to feel the crunch...still being in school makes it feel a little less intense, but a few more weeks and we'll be right out there with you.

    Hang in there and Good luck!

    -LC
    ramendiaries.blogspot.com

     
  • At 2:56 PM, Blogger Amanda said…

    Hi there,

    I just featured a quote from this post in a column I write for PBS.org, and wanted to let you know:

    http://tinyurl.com/lk4kcc

    So grateful to you for sharing your experiences - and so glad that your situation has improved since you wrote this!

    Best,
    Amanda

     

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