day 16. the ugh.

today was by far the lowest day i've had yet. i mean low. like crying a lot low. not eating low. wanting to start drinking at noon low. and this is what a friend told me. he said i'd be on this emotional roller coaster. where one day, i'd be great (yesterday) and the next, i'd be wondering why i'm even breathing (today.) and the thing is, in the thick of today, i saw no way out. none. i was so utterly depressed that i just didn't care. and it's like i'm so envious of anyone who has a job. and how all day, they get to be working. are you hearing me? they GET to be working. okay, see? this is where i'm at. and then how at night, if there is nothing to do but eat leftovers and watch crappy television, it's okay, because their mind has been so challenged all day, and because they've attended so many meetings and have pleased so many people, they can just become a couch vegetable. and it is satifying. but not me. no. all day i sit. i check email. i check the job boards. over and over and over. i go running. i go to the gym. i eat. i snack. i drink carbonated beverages and talk to my dog. i go on a walk. i call my sister. i call my dad and hope he remembers what we talked about yesterday. i wait. for a big break. or for a phone call. or for someone to say "hey, let's go do this friday night." or "i know you're going through a hard time, here's what i did for you." "hey look, i got you a new shirt even though i shouldn't have." and see, that's so silly. because like that would make any sort of difference. i'd still be sitting there. all day. on the couch. looking for jobs that don't exist. wanting to just finish my new york times best selling memoir. and then retire. it's just that when i'm going through the depths - absolute depths - of the deep...i just really need something to look forward to.