comfort food.

i didn't know what else to do today. so i made pasta. olive oil and shallots and three cloves of garlic. whole, peeled tomatoes, a yellow pepper, three jalapenos and half a red onion. some salt, pepper , cayenne and red pepper flakes. chicken and more olive oil. a bit of half and half. some sour cream and tomato paste. topped with parano cheese and cilantro. served with a nice savignon blanc and a smile. a smile that i was sort of forcing today on this day when i really didn't know what else to do.

see, these weeks - they're long. and days seem like two or more. and mornings come sooner than i'm ready for them. and then evenings don't come soon enough.

i'm just so ready for a dawn. a new begining. a fresh start. a job with a paycheck and a desk. and maybe even a window to look out of. a place for my books and the picture of B and I parasailing in florida on New Year's day. a spot for my plant and for the AP Style Guide I've had since college. And Strunk and White need somewhere to go, too. now, they're just inhabiting a box that was hastily packed at a moment's notice. the same box with postcards and photos and buttons and pencils and notebooks full of ideas.

like the number of states, plus two.

today is day 52ish of unemployment. i had a third interview in the morning and then, i went to church and cooked a meal to celebrate the ordination of our pastors. i got there at 2 and spent the entire afternoon measuring rice, adding ingredients, making lemonade and salad and helping cut a cake (read: eating the icing that accumulated on the knife.) and then, i attended the ordination and sat on a pew sandwiched between my small group and felt so blessed. blessed to be connected and to have friends again and to belong somewhere and to have these two amazing pastors who are passionately leading this quirky, awesome, grace-filled group of people who gather in westport to figure out who god is and what he is calling them to.

and anyway, today, my soul felt filled.

the sun will come out.

tomorrow i have a third interview for the same job i had a second interview at yesterday. so who knows. but i'm going. and i'm going in with my head held high.

also, b and i are not engaged, for those of you who were wondering (faith) :)

the exciting news is something else, but sort of related in a way.

no, i'm also not pregnant. i'd like engagement to come before the bun in the oven thing. just fyi.

okay, so on to tomorrow.

peace out girl scouts.

today today.

i had a second interview today for a job that i'd really like. it's different than what i was doing at VML, but more like what i went to school for. it would be good experience. and fun.

i also have a first interview tomorrow at a small agency. looking forward to it, too. who knows. i'm just so ready to be WORKING again.

and then there's some exciting surprise news that i may or may not tell you about soon.

stay posted.

oh, hey.

this week has been crazy busy. like whirlwind, subway-sandwich-grabbing, spring-cleaning, second-interview-outfit-shopping, busy.

so i haven't been here much.


sorry.

ahhh.

last week, b went on a solo road trip. self-discovery. thinking-trip. time away. peace.

and i went crazy. enough to spend the night at my mom's. and then, to fly to denver alone. to visit my brother and sister-in-law. because i needed distractions to help me forget that he was camping in the wilderness of moab, utah. and that even if i wanted to, i couldn't call him. because there was no signal. and i was sick. sinus infection, rubber cement snot sick. and still, i went. to denver. to visit. to hike and to grow and to love. but we got snowed in. for two days. for two days in denver, i could not even see the mountains. and so i listened and learned and ate and loved and grew and shared and had a wonderful time visiting. and i nearly (nearly) forgot that b was in the wilderness among rattle snakes and mountain lions and without plumbing. because i felt so full of love - even in his absence.

and then on sunday, he drove to me. and we all went out. to eat latke rubens (hallelujah) and to laugh and talk and share and then the next day, i drove back home. 10 hours. through colorado and kansas but this time, with my b. and i felt so at peace with everything. it was just bursting out of me - this peace. this peace that i didn't think would come during the week when i felt slightly abandoned and very sick and mostly afraid. that week. the one i dreaded for at least a month or more - brought me peace afterall.

praise god.

but it always rains.

i was going to call this post, "when it rains." but then i remembered. yeah.

i went to the doctor today to see if i had a sinus infection. i do.

but as she was feeling my throat, she goes, "your thyroid is huge!" and then made me do blood work and schedule an ultrasound to see if there are nodules on it. seriously. not sure if i can take something ELSE being wrong.

you know the whole "that which doesn't kill you" saying... i'm just about a body builder, huh?

craving.

chicken fingers
hugs
savignon blanc
deviled eggs
tulips
and creamed herring

so here we are.

the beginning of week seven of unemployment. sort of perfect that i'd come down with something that resembles the flu. fever, aches, runny nose, sore throat. all around not showering and wanting to cry all the time. full-on PMS plus flu plus depression about current situation. this is not a good mix. it's like, i keep getting dumped on. how's it go. oh, right. failed marriage, chronic pain disorder, some other unmentionable gut-wrench and then, this. no income. and i'm afraid. i spend time building this safety net of comfort. so that if the bottom drops out, i won't completely feel it. like, i'll have somewhere to fall, a cushion to bounce into. but the bottom has dropped out. and the fall isn't exactly cushy. and i honestly don't always know if i'll make it through the day without losing it - tears and sweat and blood. and i'm afraid if one more thing happens, i might just break.

later.

last night, i went to B's going away party from the company that i used to work at. it was bittersweet. see, i never got a going away party. after three years and lots of friendships and anyway, i'm happy for B. moving on to bigger and better and newer things. and man, he really touched a lot of people at the old office. it's feels strange that this chapter in our life - the one where we both worked together - is over. and while there are some really great things about that place, and some really amazing people there, he is, was and will always be, my favorite. and no matter how it all ended, i'm thankful i had the opportunity to work with him, to meet him and to fall head over heels for him.

so even in my shit hole of a situation right now, i'm the lucky one.

one of these things is not like the other.

today, i went to the unemployment office for my 4-week check-in. you have to do that to keep getting unemployment benefits. the office is at 17th and paseo. and i didn't fit in. gasp! was i surprised? no. this city is so segregated it's insane. i mean, really. and i knew that choosing that unemployment office meant i was going to stick out as a white girl in a hot pink shirt with a tattoo on her arm. and i did stand out. who cares? i didn't.

but what i do care about is how dumb it is that i have to go to an office like that once a month, sit down at a computer, type in my name and pin number and that's it. THAT'S it? yep. so lame, right?

the system sucks.

actual thoughts i've had lately.

1. i bet if i only take a shower every other day, i'll save a lot of money on shampoo and body wash.

2. i may be unemployed, but while i'm at it, i can at least work toward having a rockin' body.

3. at what point do people start considering prostitution?

4. the new facebook isn't as conducive to stalking as the old one.

5. unless i'm not breathing, i refuse to go to the doctor.

6. this is the point where if i was married, i would consider becoming a stay-at-home mom.

7. does kolby REALLY need his vaccinations or is it just a trick to get me to spend money that i don't have?

8. maybe if i just keep driving my car very gently, i can make the oil life longer and, thus, avoid jiffy lube.

9. i'm starting to eat an entire chocolate bar every two days. good thing i'm working out.

10. it would be great to be a poet that becomes famous posthumously. but it would be even better to be recognized now.

hi.

it's been five weeks since the day that switched the time on my alarm clock, the number of showers i would take in a week and the number of deadlines i was working against. i know my dog better and my niece better than i did then. i know how my hair looks after a day of not washing it. i know how to stretch one meal to last all week - for lunch and for dinner. i know that if i don't go to the gym 6 out of 7 days right now, i will go insane. i know that i don't have a bruised lung and i am not looking forward to the bill for the x-ray. i know that i wait until at least 4 before i turn on the television. i know that there aren't enough jobs out there for everyone who needs them. i know that i'm dehydrated, but i can't figure out why.

why i blog.

still coming down from a great discussion last night on the merits of social media and how it can help each of us build our own "brand." thanks to john over at patchchord and all the others who put on a presentation that i hope is only the beginning of an ongoing conversation about why we do this and what works.

and while the presentation wasn't on blogging, but was, instead, on facebook, twitter and linkedIn, here's my two-cents on this crazy, overly saturated world of blogging.

i started my blog the same day i joined myspace. today, i'm planning to delete the myspace account. why? it doesn't work for me. but after nearly four years of blogging, i don't plan to stop this any time soon. and here's the thing, i'm a brand. you're a brand. like it or not, this is the truth. and whatever you put out there, on the internet, for the world to see, defines you. i'm aware that the brand of "me" includes this blog. and i understand that potential employers could come here, see that i sometimes am emotional or irrational or confused, and then make a decision to not hire me based on that. but honestly, i probably wouldn't want to work for someone who doesn't consider the person as a "whole" and, instead, just as a "number." becuase what person has never felt an emotion. okay, right?

but i do have to be careful. so do you. don't blog about work unless you understand the repercussion. don't think that your employer doesn't read your blog, because unless you've been incredibly gifted at hiding it, they know it's out there. just. be. smart. about it.

this blog began as a creative outlet. and it still is. but it's also my journal. my space to process feelings and to talk about issues and things that i really need someone to listen to. and i blog because it feeds my soul. it's just as much a selfish thing as any other. i do it because it feels good.

for me, blogging naturally extended to things like twitter and facebook. why those are incredibly useful tools for both your professional and personal life is for another post. but i do have one comment.

be yourself. be true to who you are in real life. the digital space is just an extention of you. don't foreget this. don't be fooled by how easy it is to just say whatever you want to say and "be" whoever you want to be. don't use the digital space as a platform for creating the person you are not strong enough to be in the real world. be you. becuase if someone gets to know you this way. through your tweets and your blog and your thoughts. and if this person then meets you in real life, and you're nothing like your blog or your tweets or whatnot, there is a huge disconnect between who you really are. and this, i think, is one of the fatal mistakes made by people who don't fully grasp the usefulness of their blog and their tweets in keeping them connected to a network of people. a network of people who could come in handy in the future for whatever they may need.

day 24

it's like i'm fist-deep in sand
grasping
letting grains sift through my fingers
leaving only dust to cover
my emtpy palms

only there's no sand
it's more like
thin
air

i'm getting bored of this. day 23.

i'm totally excited about my new idea. so now i need to find a literary agent who represents non-fiction and memoirs. any and all suggestions appreciated.

the flowers that aren't mine are still going strong and still a total bummer. but hey, at least i can laugh at it now.

this helped me laugh at it. it's my favorite wine right now.