for the history books.

i went to the gap over my lunch hour to look at swimming suits for the upcoming trip to hawaii.

and for the first time in my life. i liked the way i looked. in everything i tried on. i bought two suits. two.

thank you, butt-kicking, body-shaping class at the gym!

insomnia.

i've been up. thinking about nothing or everything. reminding myself over and over that i need to make a doctor's appointment, get my cholesterol checked, wash my clothes, organize my closet, find more hobbies. sending myself emails and texts with lists in the middle of the night. lists of things to do. that i must do. and while i'm tossing and turning, it's like i'm fighting with sleep. with every turn of my pillow or pull of the blanket, i'm telling sleep to do what it's f'ing supposed to do. i'm yelling at it. "don't you know, this bed is comfortable? and these pajamas are warm? and the temperature in this room is PERFECT for sleeping. there's a fan on, see? so the noisy neighbors aren't keeping me up. the street is quiet tonight - QUIET. what is your problem, sleep? why won't you just give me some freaking rest?!"

and then it happens. i drift. my body feels lighter. my mind wanders into subconsciousness. and just as i'm about to be really, truly alseep, something moves and i'm awake again. only this time, more awake. i have to get up and go to the bathroom. i need water then. and advil. and well hell, since i'm up, i check my email. i use my back massager, i update my facebook status. i sit. and then, it's 5 a.m. and i only have two more hours of sleep left anyway. and my body says "no." and my mind is tense. really tense. so tense that i have to talk to someone about it. now. so i do.

and it helps. some.

but then as the day goes on. and the tiredness becomes almost too much to bare, everything suddenly seems more complicated and sad and emotional and this ache creeps in. and all i really want to do is take a nap.

ultimatum.

if i don't sleep more than four hours tonight, someone is going to get their butt kicked.

grace in the small things.

i was up until 4 a.m. feeling sick. now, i'm exhausted at work. i hate starting off weeks this way. so i'm forcing myself to find grace in the small things.

1. coffee. i love it now more than i ever have. and a really good coffee maker makes it for me every day. i'm spoiled.
2. listening to the bon iver station on last fm. excellent.
3. iced coffee from eljay's in the river market. yum.
4. kolby snuggling with me at night on the couch.
5. guilty pleasure television.
6. getting creative in the kitchen again.
7. turtle wax. my car looked amazing after.
8. the fact that i'm actually enjoying growing my hair out.
9. that my jeans fit again.
10. m&ms.

sunday evenings are for cooking.

lately, B and i are on what he is calling, "the hawaiian diet." meaning, due to our upcoming trip to hawaii, we're trying to spend little and save lots.

so every sunday, we cook a meal that will take us through most lunches and dinners of the upcoming work week. it gets a little boring, but i have a feeling we'll forget the monotony when we are beach side in maui.

tonight, we made southwest spice encrusted pork tenderloin and poblano peppers in tomato and cheese ragout.

the first recipe was from epicurious dot com. the second, was from my head and went like this.

ingredients:
5 large poblano peppers, seeded and cut into rings
3 cloves of garlic, minced
2 large shallots, minced
1/2 cup olive oil
1/2 cup savignon blanc
3 sereno chilies, chopped
1 package oyster mushrooms, chopped
1 package button mushrooms, chopped
1 block of montery jack cheese, cubed
2 table spoons cream cheese
1 large scoop full-fat sour cream
1 small can tomato paste
salt
fresh cilantro (a few pinches)

directions:
heat olive oil in skillet
add garlic and shallots, cook until near brown but NOT brown
add sereno chilies, simmer
add poblano peppers.
simmer with a lid for about five to ten minutes
add wine and stir
add can of tomato paste and then fill the empty can with water - add.
stir.
keep cooking with the lid on.
once the peppers are tender, add the mushrooms, cubed cheese and cream cheese
simmer (add more olive oil if the cheese seems too clumpy)
finish it off with a scoop of sour cream
stir.

garnish with cilantro.

enjoy :)

out with the old?

13 years ago, i was in group therapy for an eating disorder. this means that once a week i'd spend two hours in a room with one therapist and about 10 other teenage (and a few pre-teenage) girls who were either drastically underweight, throwing up every meal or exercise-obsessed.

i fit into the first category - weighing in at a whopping 89ish pounds. i'm five foot, six and a half inches.

the group was sworn to secrecy. if we ever saw each other in public, we weren't allowed to say how we knew each other. i never saw anyone outside of group though, so that never mattered.

until today. 13 years later. at chipotle. i saw her. and she looked as thin as she did before. i wonder if she noticed me. or if she recognized my face filled in with more 'plumping.' i wonder if she watched what i ordered and how much i ate. i wonder if she is still struggling every day just to take a bite of a sandwich or a slurp of soup.

and it's ironic, this thing that happened at lunch. because just this morning i googled the following phrase: how to get rid of my body issues for good.

yeah. irony at its finest.

hopeless romantic.

this is what love is all about.

beautiful.

thanks for the inspiration, sam spencer.

look, there.

i noticed the moon yesterday
as it stood - suspended - at attention
its surface glowing,
a far off beacon of things we do not always understand

like mystery and faith and god and gravity
we must not forget
g
r
a
v
i
t
y

the way it holds us here
between earth and sky,
in this place where
yesterday and tomorrow are joined by
footsteps illuminated with moonbeams.

footsteps down a windy path that lead me
to
you.

and now, on nights with a particularly striking moon,
i enjoy it best when shared with you -
the view from here
to there.
the light that doesn't burn irises
and retinas
when gazed upon --
a reminder of god's infinite creation
and his love
for you

for me.

sometimes, i am carefree.

mind game.

i thought kolby was dead yesterday. i returned home and walked up to the kennel. the lights were off, but it was 4:00 so there was some natural light in the room. and as i approached saying, "hey kolbs, how's it going. want to go outside?" he didn't stir. he didn't move. but his ears were sticking up. i yelled "kolby." i banged on the rail on the way to the kennel. he didn't move. i thought he was dead and that his muscles had gone rigid and that his ears were sticking up because his muscles were rigid. i ran to my phone and called B. hyperventilating into the phone i breathlessly uttered, "i think kolby died."

and my breath was hard to come by. very. hard.

B told me to go check and make sure. i said i didn't want to go all the way up to the kennel because i couldn't bare to see him like that. i was gasping and scream-crying and then i walked back toward the kennel and kolby was sitting there, looking at me with his head cocked to the side.

what is wrong with me?

i should say that on saturday, a woman didn't see him and stepped directly on his back with her 6-inch boot heel. and completely crushed him under her. and then, just kept walking. as he gasped and yelped and barked and cowered. and as i, helplessly, crouched down to him and told him it was okay.

i watched him all night staurday as he hid under the table or behind the blanket. i pushed on his back though, and he didn't wince. he was just scared when i went to get the leash or if we were going to go back to the spot where he was stepped on.

sunday, he started to act more normal. and then by yesterday, he seemed fine.

but when i walked up to his kennel and he didn't move or act happy to see me or like he wanted to go outside, i freaked. i mean, completely freaked out.

so i'm wondering if this had to do with something larger? some anxiety that i don't even know i'm carrying.

ugh.

My top five albums of 2008.

1. Frightened Rabbit - Midnight Organ Fight
2. Bon Iver - For Emma, Forever Ago
3. Fleet Foxes - Fleet Foxes
4. MGMT - Oracular Spectacular
5. Coldplay - Viva la Vida

so behind the times.

while listening to "you don't know me" on ben folds' myspace page for the 10th time today, i just realized that there is now the capability to scroll through his actual albums and change the playlist. how great. how needed. how yesterday, right?

speaking of being behind, every one i know (okay that's an exaggeration but still) like a million people got either engaged or married in the last three months. really. a million.

and here i am, going backwards. sort of.

i've been there. not anymore. i owned a house. now i rent. backwards. see?

and it's weird, you know? my friend B is busy planning her wedding. picking the dress. the photographer. the cake. and she just got engaged on christmas. and then a few people i used to be friends with, who weren't even engaged seven months ago, tied the knot over the holiday. see, people are excitedly approaching their happily ever after. in droves.

and i. well, i got fewer christmas cards in the mail this year than i ever have. i mean, a few years ago, when i lived in the yellow house...the one where gus lives...i got 50 cards. 50.

this year, i got six. and two of them were from work vendors.

it's like unless you are all tied up in happily ever after after after, people just don't think about you as a christmas card recipient. and when you start moving backwards in life, people sort of forget about you in a lot of instances. so you have to learn to fend for yourself. make your own life. become well-rounded. and anyway, it's not that i'm not experiencing happily ever. because i am. i guess i'll just have to wait for my after. and that's okay. but i don't think this in-between should disqualify me from christmas card lists.

but maybe that's just my opinion.

should i be afraid?

i just go this fortune in my fortune cookie:

"Don't forget you are always on our minds."

in continuing my love affair with bacon.

i will be making these shortly.

what i do all day.

at work, we have an internal green initiative that i'm part of. here's a website that's part of a larger campaign that i concepted/wrote etc.

enjoy.

labor pains.

getting a tattoo is sort of like giving birth.

it hurts really bad. once the pain starts, there's no going back. after all the pain, you're left with something beautiful. and as long as you take care of it, it'll last.

kolby is so cute.

eating.

i couldn't have been more excited for a downtown grocery store to open. and a cossentino's market, nonetheless. i've been known to drive all the way to the brookside one to get a salad at lunchtime. now, i have only a few blocks to drive to get my healthy (okay, let's be honest...) healthy topped with bacon, cheese, fried onions etc...salad.

i went the day it opened. and it was a zoo. seriously, it was like being at disney land. everyone was just wandering around, staring at things, bumping into shelves, fighting for a place in the salad bar line, elbowing others out of the way to get sushi. and a lot of the checkers are brand new. so you can imagine the bottle-necks.

bottle-necks or not, i went back saturday to do some shopping. and here's the part that sucked.
1. everything is a bit over-priced
2. you can't take your cart to your car

i was more upset about number 2. i mean, i had two VERY full, heavy bags plus a 12-pack of le croix. and a purse. and a sore, recently tattooed right arm. and i had to go up the elevator, down a long hall and completely across the parking garage before i got to my car.

that part sucked.

but i'm still glad it's there. i think, though, it's more convenient for small trips. like for a bottle of wine and some butter.

i also ate at extra virgin, michael smith's new restaurant, on friday. and it was good.
we had beef tongue, shrimp gratin and wood-fire grilled oyster mushrooms.

the beef tongue was not my choice. but, i sorta grew up eating it. and this was a more gourmet variation complete with pickled beets.

just one note about that place: after eating there, you WILL smell like wood-fired oven smoke for two days. even after showering.

the lyrics that inspired it.

o, porcupine by mewithout you

without a queen the locust swarm
turned the ground to black
descending like a shadowy tower on a fish's back
and scattered the sticks who crawled
like snakes in the sand
as the red clay took the form of a lizard
who rushed like a moth to the flame of my open hand

[while, in my little world...]
a speckled bird humbly inspired
ran across the road when it could have flown
and it made me smile
at the water's edge, Babylon
we laid down and slept
as the river wept for you, O'Zion!
the stones cry out,
bells shake the sky
all creation groans...

SHHHH!!!

listen to it!

messes of men in farmer poverty;
not much for monks but we pretend to be
share a silent meal and a pot of chamomile
gypsies like us should be stamped in solidarity
I hold you in my fond but distant memory
while waiting for the Mother Hen to gather me
who regretfully wrote,

"you have a decent ear for notes
but you can't yet appreciate harmony."

O' porcupine perched low in the tree
your eyes to mine:

"you'd be well inclined not
to mess with me."

at the garden's edge beneath a speechless sky
as his friends slept
Jesus wept- and it's no wonder why
and now you say you wanna be set free??
and wanna set me free???
well I'm told that can only come from
a union with the One who never died

[while, in my little world, I
patched a plaster wall
and in my little world, I was
waiting ( just dying )
to take offense at something
in my little world in my sad little world
this is all there is in my little world]

in darkness a light shines
on me
in darkness a light shines
on you

i never gathered figs from a thorny branch,
I never picked a grapefruit off a bramble bush
and for the past five - almost six years now! -
you know you haven't once looked at me
with kindness in your eyes
you say Judas is a brother of mine?
oh, but sister in our darkness a light shines
and all I ever want to say for the rest of my life

is how the light is GOD
and through I've been mistaken
on this or that point
that light is GOD

in Him was life, and that life was the light of all people.

in darkness a light shines.

the entire process was spiritual in a way. i'll explain more later. but for now, "oh, my god, shine your light on us so that we might live."

what i did today.

put the bandage on before i took a photo with color. will post when heals. yay!!!

this year...

1. i will not let the way i feel about my thighs rob me of my joy.
2. i will no longer remember events by whether or not my favorite pair of jeans fit me right that day.
3. i will find good in every situation.
4. i will learn to love my body more even though last year, it failed me a lot and i sort of hate it.
5. i will stand up for rights. human, animal and planet.
6. i will make my voice heard more often.
7. i will find something to laugh about every day.
8. i will continue to nurture the meaningful relationships in my life.
9. i will grow more active in my church community.
10. i will not let the year pass without growing in christ, in love, in friendship, in self-awareness, in self-acceptance and in humility.

complaining.

last night, i fell asleep around 10:30. i woke up at 2 and couldn't go back to sleep. When the alarm went of at 6:45, i'd been up for almost five hours.

then, while i was drying my hair, i got a migraine.

now i'm at work.

yay, today!

the new year.

i'm watching the infomercial for "total pop" and i totally want it. did you know that you can't get this incredible two-CD collection in stores? it features mandy moore's "candy" and hanson. and if i was at all thinking i would regret the purchase, the commercial just told me not to miss out because, "total pop completes me." seriously? wow. what am i waiting for?

maybe you could buy it for me?

switching subjects, i've been reflecting a lot on 2008. and i'm sure i'll blog about that later.because it was a year of change. i made mistakes. some huge ones. but i also grew. a lot. and i learned who i am - at my very core. i learned what it means to really love. to grow. to change. to work on something with reckless abandon and to learn, again, to love God. i grew to trust the few that i could and to grow with them in fruitful relationship. i am abundantly blessed.

so tonight, i reflect. there was a time when these deathcab lyrics made sense. but not this year. this year, i reflect on travels and growth and meaning. this year, i've lived.


So this is the new year.
And i don't feel any different.
The clanking of crystal
Explosions off in the distance (in the distance).

So this is the new year
And I have no resolutions
For self assigned penance
For problems with easy solutions

So everybody put your best suit or dress on
Let's make believe that we are wealthy for just this once
Lighting firecrackers off on the front lawn
As thirty dialogs bleed into one

I wish the world was flat like the old days
Then i could travel just by folding a map
No more airplanes, or speed trains, or freeways
There'd be no distance that could hold us back.

There'd be no distance that could hold us back

So this is the new year

thank God for change and for second chances. thank God for life and for time and continuance and grace. thank God for a year when i have resolutions and purpose and plans and goals and when i didn't have to pretend, at the drop of the ball, to be happy and so full of love.

post-purchase anxiety.

i went to the mall today. for the first time during the holiday season. see, i typically hate to shop, which makes me sort of not a "real" girl - a fact that i'm totally at peace with.

but i had some alone time today, and after a whirlwind tour of Los Angeles, i thought going to the mall would be a good way to unwind, spend some "me" time and find some awesome deals. until stop number one resulted in me impulse-purchasing a new pair of sevens. (whoops.)

to be fair, my two go-to pairs of sevens are looking a bit worn and aged. and the wash on my new pair is different than the wash on either of my other ones. and i bought a size smaller than my other pairs, which means they fit better and might become my "every-day jeans." and they're totally cute and uh...this is why i don't go to the mall.

after christmas, i danced on the beach.