mind game.

i thought kolby was dead yesterday. i returned home and walked up to the kennel. the lights were off, but it was 4:00 so there was some natural light in the room. and as i approached saying, "hey kolbs, how's it going. want to go outside?" he didn't stir. he didn't move. but his ears were sticking up. i yelled "kolby." i banged on the rail on the way to the kennel. he didn't move. i thought he was dead and that his muscles had gone rigid and that his ears were sticking up because his muscles were rigid. i ran to my phone and called B. hyperventilating into the phone i breathlessly uttered, "i think kolby died."

and my breath was hard to come by. very. hard.

B told me to go check and make sure. i said i didn't want to go all the way up to the kennel because i couldn't bare to see him like that. i was gasping and scream-crying and then i walked back toward the kennel and kolby was sitting there, looking at me with his head cocked to the side.

what is wrong with me?

i should say that on saturday, a woman didn't see him and stepped directly on his back with her 6-inch boot heel. and completely crushed him under her. and then, just kept walking. as he gasped and yelped and barked and cowered. and as i, helplessly, crouched down to him and told him it was okay.

i watched him all night staurday as he hid under the table or behind the blanket. i pushed on his back though, and he didn't wince. he was just scared when i went to get the leash or if we were going to go back to the spot where he was stepped on.

sunday, he started to act more normal. and then by yesterday, he seemed fine.

but when i walked up to his kennel and he didn't move or act happy to see me or like he wanted to go outside, i freaked. i mean, completely freaked out.

so i'm wondering if this had to do with something larger? some anxiety that i don't even know i'm carrying.

ugh.