insomnia.

i've been up. thinking about nothing or everything. reminding myself over and over that i need to make a doctor's appointment, get my cholesterol checked, wash my clothes, organize my closet, find more hobbies. sending myself emails and texts with lists in the middle of the night. lists of things to do. that i must do. and while i'm tossing and turning, it's like i'm fighting with sleep. with every turn of my pillow or pull of the blanket, i'm telling sleep to do what it's f'ing supposed to do. i'm yelling at it. "don't you know, this bed is comfortable? and these pajamas are warm? and the temperature in this room is PERFECT for sleeping. there's a fan on, see? so the noisy neighbors aren't keeping me up. the street is quiet tonight - QUIET. what is your problem, sleep? why won't you just give me some freaking rest?!"

and then it happens. i drift. my body feels lighter. my mind wanders into subconsciousness. and just as i'm about to be really, truly alseep, something moves and i'm awake again. only this time, more awake. i have to get up and go to the bathroom. i need water then. and advil. and well hell, since i'm up, i check my email. i use my back massager, i update my facebook status. i sit. and then, it's 5 a.m. and i only have two more hours of sleep left anyway. and my body says "no." and my mind is tense. really tense. so tense that i have to talk to someone about it. now. so i do.

and it helps. some.

but then as the day goes on. and the tiredness becomes almost too much to bare, everything suddenly seems more complicated and sad and emotional and this ache creeps in. and all i really want to do is take a nap.