blurry.

i've gone entire weeks now
without thinking about gus
without aching for him
to curl up next to me
in bed
or on the couch

i've forgotten how cute he is
and exactly what his expression looked like
when he wanted cheese
or when he was getting ready to defiantly pee
all over the carpet

and i can't recall the sound of his voice
his bark
his whine
the way his body looked like a pot-bellied pig from above
on walks through the neighborhood

or the way those kids loved him so
and ran to pet his ears
nearly singing, 'gussy ears. those are gussy ears.'

those images are growing blurry
and weathered around the edges

but i do remember how excited he was to see me
on that day in february
how he jumped onto my lap and wouldn't get down.

i do remember that.

cost of war.

the k-man.

kolby won't eat. and he's been sorta lethargic. i'm worried about him.

and the day ends...

i went for the salad. healthier and perishable. it needed to be eaten.

then, $5 kobe beef burger and fries split with the bop for dinner from delaware cafe. did you know they serve dinner now?

also, i risked it with a bowl of potato leek soup to supplement my half of the burger that i basically gave him. the same soup that gave me the worst food poisoning of my life four years ago. fingers crossed that i'll be fine.

now, i'm off to bed. all-day client meeting in omaha tomorrow.

decisions.

go home for lunch and eat an arugula and turkey salad.

or eat downstairs at the coffee bar and have tomato florentine soup.

not seeing so straight...

so this upcoming week seems to be the craziest work-like week i've ever had. ever. ever. ever.

and i'm totally stressing about it. big time.

a plea for sonic care, and other dental things.

going to the dentist is like going to an auto mechanic. they talk in all these big words and code, and you're just expected to believe them. but i say, not so fast dentist. not. so. fast.

and there's nothing more boosting to one's self-esteem than hearing, "sooooo, have you ever thought about whitening your teeth?"

followed by, "you really have perfect teeth. the shape of your gums is scalloped. it's very desirable. just look at all of the fashion magazines. so if you whitened, you would have such great results."

uh, no thank you.

also, no thank you to the "five cavities" that you "couldn't have even seen" if it wasn't for your little noisy laser thingy.

they didn't even scrape my teeth. not at all. she polished them, flossed and told me to sit up. i was like, "um, are you going to use one of those (pointing at scraper) to get the plaque off?"

and she goes, "no. you don't have any."

WHAT?!

must be the sonic care.

so i had perfect teeth. and five cavities? i'm getting a second opinion.

this is cool.

don't be a loser, click on the image.

today.

i had a productive morning at work. a phenomenal half-sandwich for lunch. a good second half of the day at work. some chips and veggie dip for dinner. and then an amazing time at bible study with my newly-found, all-ladies group. LOVE them.

then when i got home, i enjoyed sipping a shot of Patron gold (because the quality is delicious.) a few more chips and some white chocolate (which, i forgot to mention, i had for breakfast.) and now, i'm in bed talking to you, internet.

it's been a good day.

p.s. i LOVE LOVE love my Fit. pics soon. promise.

on the upside.

i ran four miles tonight. i'm getting my running legs (and feet) back. and it feels good.

but back to the hell that was this morning. i forgot to mention that last night, after picking up the new car at a dealership and driving back downtown on 71 (always a pleasant experience,) i got a migraine. and while in the midst of said migraine, i became hungry. so, dizzy and half-blind, i ventured to the kitchen to eat a snack. but because this screaming headache made me even more of a klutz, i knocked an empty wine glass off of the counter onto the concrete floor. which broke the wine glass. no, i mean, shattered it. this glass. this $100-plus-dollar Wedgwood, gold-rimmed, crystal glass. into a million pieces.
after all of that, you can imagine how thrilled i was to be awoken by pounding bass. at 3:20 a.m.

okay, now you know the whole story.

on the right foot.

it's 8:17 a.m.

so far today i've...
been jarred from sleep at 3:20 a.m. due to a neighbor bumping their base. this lasted until 5 a.m.

gotten a paper cut on the way out to my car.

tried to unlock my car with the key the dealership made for me, which didn't work.

gone back inside to get the second key.

arrived at work and spilled an entire mug of coffee down my skirt.

i sold the Yaris...

to carmax.

and it went swimmingly. after only 45 minutes, my loan was paid off and my yaris was no longer mine. it was a huge relief, to be honest.

i wish i hadn't spent $150 to detail it. but the "newness" did make me feel better about it for two days. which wasn't really the "plan," but at least it made me smile.

the hardest part about selling it to carmax was having to clean it out at 3:45 yesterday on an asphalt parking lot in the 104-degree heat. my hair was so sweaty when i was done, it looked as though i'd run at least five miles.

and then, i said goodbye to sally and waited for B to pick me up.

i plan to name my Fit, too. i just need to drive it for awhile to get a feel for its personality.

what?

in other news, i'm ready for fall. bring. it. on.

eating my way through the weekend.

yesterday:
sushi
then lasagna dinner at my mom's.

today:
chick-fil-a for lunch
then la bodega for dinner

i LOVE chick-fil-a
and i LOVE LOVE la bodega
so it's been a good weekend so far.

dreaming.

i wish...
i was the kind of girl who could look great for an entire day without showering that morning.
i didn't have post-purchase anxiety.
i didn't have a taste for expensive wine.
that case of two-buck chuck was more of an 'option' for me.
i could dye my hair purple, red and black. and then change it back the next day.
i could run five miles in my sleep and never exercise during the day.
i had my very own clothing designer who made fashions to fit my body perfectly.
coffee didn't stain things like teeth.

this just in.

john mccain's plane has his name on it and it's called "the straight talk express." his bus is called that, too.

i have no words for this. none.

wow. just wow.

wife swap. i have one word for you. INSANE.

take this quote from tonight's episode. "i managed to act professional AND wear glitter."

um, WTF.

anyway, if you don't watch this show, you're missing out.
sorta.

car selling...

sucks.

this is a tidbit of an email chain from one interested buyer.

This is the first email i got from him:
Hi i am a cash buyer have traded my acura in today i am looking for a small hatch please give a number to call if the car is till avilable.

i told him it was still available.

then he tried to low ball me. which is not okay. at least not yet. so i told him it's actually a savings of more than 2,000 off the price of a new one with fewer options. he wrote back:

Yes they are brand new though and you have used yours I am a genuine buyer I did not get much in offer for mine too thats the way it is . if you would like me to concider may be once i look at it i might be able to improve my offer .I would like to look at it tmw let me know when.

so i told him he could meet me at my office or at b's place in the evening. to which he replied:

I can look at it some place in o.p or olathe cant go to down town sorry or any other place.

then i was all, "sorry it's a good car, too bad you can't come down here to see it."

and he replies:
Well down town is just too much out of the way o/wise would have if we can meet some place in between i m interested.

hmmm....

it's all in the details.

today i got my car detailed. it looks amazing. $150 dollars later, it's shiny and almost-new.

thursday, i get my Fit. i'm so excited i can hardly stand it.

and not that any of this is cohesive, but as a side note, po's noodle and dumpling bar totally changed the recipe for the pickled cabbage and pork soup and it was not so much an improvement. that sucks.

verbal vomit.

i'm itchy. it's the summer itch. like mosquito bites and hives and all of that sort of fun stuff.

and i'm also anxious. and antsy. maybe the hives are from that?

also, for dinner i had sweet potato oven fries. i melted cheddar on mine. they were good.

for lunch i had a salad with roast beef on it. and feta. and salsa. and tomato.

the point is, i have hives and i'm itchy. maybe it was from the margarita i had before dinner?

anyway, tomorrow i'm getting my new car! i'll post pics soon.
it's red. and a honda. so yeah, pretty pumped for that part of tomorrow.

did i mention my dog is amazingly adorable? okay, there you go. he is.

and that my B-bop is amazingly adorable, too. well, he is, too.

okay. goodnight internet.

see you tomorrow.

stuff.

have you ever been to the flea market and swap meet on merriam drive? if not, you've missed a part of mexico right here in kansas city. also, copious amounts of stereo equipment from unknown origin.

speaking of mexico, guadalajara cafe is still, hands-down, kansas city's best, most authentic mexican restaurant.

amen, to that...i say. (for emphasis, of course.)

also, i'm selling my car.
8500 miles
$13,500 OBO
2007 Toyota Yaris liftback. Silver. Great condition save a TINY door ding on the driver's side.
EPA 38 MPG
Options include:
Premium audio
CD Player with MP3 playback
AUX for iPod
Remote Keyless Entry
Power Package (including windows and doors.)
any takers?

friday meme.

i picked this up from shane and thought it would be fun. so, here goes.

A is for age. I'm 28 and a half.
B is for Burger of Choice. I really like Chef Burger. Houston's makes a nice one, too.
C is for Car. 2007 Toyota Yaris. Test-driving a Honda Fit today.
D is for daughters. None. One terrific niece though.
E is for essential item you use every day. Hairdryer. Straightener. And my mac laptop.
F is for favorite tv show. Sitcom/Comedy is The Office hands down. Otherwise, No Reservations.
G is for groceries. Organic when I can. Lately more groceries than usual. Freezing homemade burritos to eat and eat and eat. Gotta save some money.
H is for how often you embarrass yourself. Does it count when Kolby embarrasses me (read: pees on someone or eats cat poop.) Because if so, the answer is every day.
I is for ice cream. Not often.
J is for juice. No thank you.
K is for kids. Kolby dog.
L is for Lipstick. Colored lip gloss by Neutrogena.
M is for Mexican food. Yes please. With lots of chips and salsa and extra salt. And tequila.
N is for number of piercings. Four.
O is for Optometry. I got glasses at 4. Now, I wear contacts every day and glasses at night.
P is for People You Were With Today. I'm at work with coworkers. I can hear them but we're not really "together."
Q is for Quiet Time. I don't love just being quiet. But I'm trying to get better at it.
R is for Biggest Regret. Regrets are a waste of time and energy.
S is for sports you play. I run. Because it's the only "sport" i'm coordinated enough to participate in. Nothing I can trip over or get tangled in.
T is for tattoo. While I dream of a sleeve, I think i'll settle on one on my wrist. I've just got to find the right artist to do it.
U is for what is unique about you. I'm cross-eyed. For reals.
V is for Vegetables you Love. Tomatoes. Carrots. Spinach. Brussel Sprouts. Onions. Everything. (yeah, i know tomatoes are really a "fruit" but, um, i'm including them here.)
W is for Worst Habit. Over thinking things. And blogging?
X is for number of x rays. Too many.
Y is for Yummy Food you ate today. Nothing yet. But I have sushi from yesterday in the fridge.
Z is for Zodiac. Scorpio. It sorta fits me. But I don't believe in that stuff.

my dear.

i'm sorry that i can't always be
clear
and that sometimes i become
shaken
by words
or a glance
...or maybe even by nothing.

see, it's just that things haven't always been
easy
and this newness -- this feeling of acceptance and
love and grace
and hope...
well, it's foreign to me.
and so i teeter between
yesterday and tomorrow
and as i propel toward the future,
i drop bits of what was
like a trail of bread crumbs
left there as a reminder
of the places i do not wish to
return.

and so i carry on
down this path toward
mountains or valleys
and oceans or plains...
and i'm happy in this middle ground
for once --
happy...
without knowing any answers
because you, my dear,
you
make the difference.

me, b and the bahn mi.

there's this sweet little vietnamese grocery store just east of the city market in columbus park. b and i walk by it often with kolby and sometimes, go in to buy a few things. on our last trip in, we discovered it has a little restaurant area with an array of chicken-feet items and the often illusive bahn mi. bahn mi is a traditional vietnamese sandwich of pork, pickled vegetables, cilantro and chilies. this place sold them for only $2.50. so yesterday, we decided to venture there for a cheap lunch.

the bahn mi were huge. and at once, we decided we'd only eat half and then save the other half for dinner. it seemed like the best deal in the city. for the first few mouthfuls.

b even declared, "i'm coming back here! this is the best deal in the city! cheaper than eating at home." see?

then, it started to taste a little too authentic. but, i wanted to be all "anthony bourdain" on it. i was going to eat it and like it, damn-it. except, it was making me feel sick.

so i poured fish sauce all over it. except, this wasn't the fish sauce i'm used to ordering. it was more like fermented fish guts. which is fine if you like that sort of thing. i didn't.

then i deconstructed the sandwich to find that the pork was actually two different types of vietnamese cold cuts. one was made of fermented headcheese (which consists of pork lips, snout and such.) and the other was sort of gelatinous and infused with red food coloring.

b was slowing down on his sandwich, too. then, right as i said, "you sure you're going to come back here a lot?" with a wink, a bird (read: a big, black bird) flew out of the kitchen and into the window right next to our table.

no joke.

anyway, the bahn mi wasn't for me.

happy gillis does a nice, americanized version though. and unfortunately, i'm going to have to stick with that.

things that are new about me.

1. my hair is pig-tailable. for the first time in five years.
2. i like my freckles.
3. on saturdays, i lounge around for hours before even thinking about working out.
4. when i work out, i don't freak out about it like i used to. i even skip two days in a row.
5. i eat spicy things again. hello, habanero.
6. i go to a small group filled with lovely ladies from my new church.
7. i like church. a lot.
8. i'm not really holding onto any bitterness anymore.
9. i now have a window to look out of at work.
10. i have a new job title, too.
11. i'm enjoying being kolby's mommy.
12. i actually use my costco membership.
13. there is nothing i enjoy more than a night out with good food, good wine and B.
14. i love my niece more than i knew i could.
15. the niece thing is making me think more about being a mommy at some point.
16. don't freak out, i'm just "thinking" about it.
17. i'm talking to my mom more.
18. i have a better relationship with my dad.
19. i sleep through the night most nights. goodbye, insomnia.
20. most days, i'm happy.
21. i understand what love really is.
22. god is real to me.
23. i'm okay with having my own opinions. and no one tells me i can't.
24. i spend money on travel instead of jeans.
25. i am craving another vacation.
26. but i also kind of want a new pair of sevens.
27. i drive a tiny yaris and people perceive me to be all gas-conscious and green.
28. that was the plan.
29. but toyota lied. i get 22 mpg.
30. i plan to trade it in for a civic soon.

um, ouch.

i've been running again. (sorry i didn't mention it.)

but i'll mention it now, because i'm in pain. in my Achilles tendon area. it sucks.

so see, i'd been running. got off the weight-gainer drug. was feeling better about myself and life in general. and then, bam. i woke up yesterday and couldn't walk down the stairs.

and today, today i'm taking four advil at a time.

truth.

i listen to the c chord
and then the f minor
and i wait
for something to go
wrong,
badly,
terribly inconsistent or damaging
or more along the lines of what i've been
used to.
like key throwing
and screaming and name calling
and tears.
lots of
t
e
a
r
s.

but all that comes is
glory
and good
and faith and love
and this new idea of who god is
and how much He really loves me and you
and them
and the world because He created it.
i mean, really, His heart beats for them
in the most natural healthy way...
so as i sit and wait for bumps
or hiccups --
for the dust to settle into piles that require lots of cleaning
mixed with therapy and a heavy investment in Swiffer,
i'm learning
that things don't always take the pattern
of bad to bad to worse.

no

not at all.

and that kitchen with the yellow walls.
well, i can picture it full of lots of life and love
for a long time.

getting bigger.

chewing the fat.

i've recently remembered how great butter can be. on anything. cold or melted. anyway, i'm reintroducing it to my butter-starved existence. and well, things have spiced up a bit.

thank you, butter.

silence.

i'm struggling with whether or not to continue to write deeply personal blogs. but i also don't want to write about fluff.

so i'm being quiet for a bit i guess. it's not easy for me.