on ideas.

not every idea you have is going to be a good one. this is especially frustrating when you are in the idea-generating business. when you get paid to come up with new ways to say things. to make things look. to communicate with people who have bombarded brains.

but the challenge is not to come up with the best ideas. the challenge is to recognize an idea that is not good before it takes over and puts your thinking and the rest of the ideas into this box that is really hard to break out of.

who likes to work inside a proverbial box that's likely filled with sh*tty ideas that you convinced yourself were good?

right.

so maybe it happens in the shower. or on a run. or while you're in the middle of something completely unrelated to anything else. but it hits you. and the idea that seemed brilliant last week is now an embarrassment.

but wait. you shared that in a brainstorm. and then presented it to your creative director. and it's in the art director's hands. being formed and tweaked and made pretty.

it's not too late. if it was your sh*tty idea, make it better. there is always time to make an idea better.

always.

well, mostly always.

but you should always try.

and never stop writing down the next best greatest idea that you think might change the face of the idea business.

even if in two days it ends up in the trashcan.

i usually.

eat spinach.
go running.
trip on things i shouldn't.
get random bruises.
french-press my coffee.
avoid dairy.
hate when it gets dark early.
love my birthday month.
over-celebrate my birthday.
window shop.
think about dying my hair.
tweet.
facebook.
write.
take photos.
wish i was better at taking photos.
get excited when i discover new music.
consume more olive oil than most people.
secretly think that makes me healthier.
like my job.
am awkward.
say things that make me seem nerdy.
wonder what people think about me.
try not to do the 'elevator smile.'
give too many high-fives.
wish i had more time to walk my dog.
drink wine.
go to bed by 10.
dream about random things.
have at least one nightmare per night.
work on not being so anxious.
sigh.
ask my husband for a back rub.
smile.

nude.

i didn't buy any pumpkins this year.
my front step feels naked.

MIZ.

the last time MU beat Oklahoma was in 1998. i was a college freshman who thought i had everything figured out. the world was my oyster. i was free to become someone i couldn't become under my parent's roof.

saturday night, i watched them beat Oklahoma again. and this little part of my heart ached because i wanted to be there. i wanted to follow the goalpost to harpos. i wanted to be wearing black and gold, singing the fight song, losing my voice from excitement.

and even though i wanted to be in columbia, i didn't want to be that 19-year-old.

no. i'm a lot wiser now.

fall.

fall used to be my favorite season.
crunching new leaves on campus.
the smell of freshly cracked books. ink and paper and dust.
nights that were cool enough for scarves and jackets and a really great pair of boots. maybe knee socks. gloves. hot cups of chai. spiked cider.
football games that didn't warm up until the end of the second half.
tailgates and study sessions and panera on 9th.
late nights at the j school library sort of studying, mostly gossiping. eating chocolate chip cookies i baked using my mother's recipe. the one that's just buttery and salty enough to be better than all other recipes.
and always, always, the calm before winter. before riding bikes was out of season. and walks. and running. and wearing anything but water-proof boots and mittens.

fall used to be my favorite season.
but i think i'm turning into more of a spring girl now.

things i want that i don't need.

a new purse. from anthropologie.
a garmin forerunner 110.
red hair.
another vacation.
a double vanity for the upstairs bathroom.
a fire pit.
a piano. (an upright would be just fine.)
a notebook that is almost too pretty to write in. almost.
a barrel of pumpkins with which to decorate my front step.
a maid.
a massage.
a new pair of sevens.
a chef's kitchen.
a new knife set.
this lip-plumper think i saw on dr. oz.
a million new cardigans.

recovery.

my road rash is feeling better. and i was even able to do an easy run last night.

i guess it's pretty common to feel depressed right after a race. and it didn't help that i fell like a 4-year-old and have lost the ability to wash my hair with both hands.

anyway, i was feeling blue.

but i think i'm healing. and my attitude is looking up.

it helps that today at work we only are here till noon. then, we get "kidnapped." we don't know where we are going, but who can be upset about mandatory fun?

breakthrough.

i had one today.

also, my knee is pretty f'd up from my fall yesterday.
and daiya vegan cheese does not taste like cheese, no matter what people say.

um.

so i forgot the no-running-after-racing rule.
and i set off today for an easy 3-mile jog. to loosen my muscles. or something.
it was going fine until i tripped on the sidewalk, flew into the air, and then slid down the sidewalk on my hands, knees and stomach. (in the position one assumes when going down a water slide.)

i tripped because my muscles were sore and i was shuffle-running instead of running-running. read: i wasn't picking my feet up very much.

so now i have road rash. all over. my right knee is swollen. my hands hurt so bad i could barely shower. and trying to do anything really is a joke.

i'm sort of pissed at myself.

update.

for dinner, i had half a bottle of wine and four pieces of pizza from spin.
four.
it was topped with eggplant, cheese, goat cheese, arugula and (gasp) pancetta.
i broke the no-cheese, no-meat rule. i broke it hard.

good night.

done. unofficial time:1:57:35.

i broke 2 hours. i was faster last year, but i still kept my time to UNDER 9 minutes per mile. just under. but under.
b sent me a text right when i was at mile 10 telling me how proud he was of me. i was hurting really bad at that point, so his sweet text made me cry. running down the finishing chute i thought i was going to puke. but i didn't.

just woke up from a 2-hour nap and am stuffing my face with carbs soaked in olive oil, topped with avocado.

what?

13.1 tomorrow.

i'm much more relaxed about tomorrow's half marathon than i usually am.
probably because my leg doesn't hurt like it did last year.
and it is supposed to be 50 degrees at the start - not 30 degrees.
and it won't be raining.
and i'm not eating raw fish for dinner.
instead, i'm making naan pizza.
and drinking a glass or two of wine.
and rolling out on my foam roller.
watching a movie.
going to bed before 10.
waking up at 5:30.
drinking 1 cup of coffee.
which will hopefully get things movin'
(if you know what i mean.)
and then i'll go line up in a nervous-energy filled group
of thousands of runners
by the 9 minute pace time marker
and then,
then,
THEN is when i will be nervous.
because my training runs have been coming in closer to 9.4 minute miles.
slower than i was last year.
much slower.
i think it's age.
or maybe
that i'm not eating meat anymore.
but whatever it is
i'll try to take it in stride
and just be happy that i'm running
that i can run 13.1 miles.
even though we all know that i will be pissed if i don't finish in under 2 hours.

finding.

it is no mistake that my sister was born the day before b and that my grandpa was born the day before b's momma.

mistakes don't happen.

it is also no mistake that i went to church today and was completely challenged by the message. challenged in a way that i'd been missing. challenged to keep going. keep following. keep loving.

anyway, in the same moments that i'm reminded i have no control, i'm also reminded who is in control. and for some reason, that's comforting. thank god.
thank.
god.

today

today is b's birthday.
because he was born i have someone who understands me
and when he doesn't, he tries harder.
he thinks i'm funny
and pretty.
beautiful, even.
he thinks i'm smart.
he makes me smarter.
he eats whatever i cook,
and thinks it's amazing. even when it's vegan.
he helps me with everything
so i never feel like i am the one having to do it all.
he's the perfect partner to everything i do.
i'm so lucky.
so,
so lucky.

success.

yesterday, i did something i normally don't do.
i had company over for dinner. on a week night.
and it was so easy because b helped.
he picked up the groceries so that i could get a run in before company arrived.
he made the burgers, grilled them, helped with the dishes, impressed me.

and i was still in bed by 9:30.

he's so great.
and i'm so old.

welcoming autumn.

choices.

life keeps teaching me that i don't have control. sure, i can choose what to do in each moment, when options are presented to me. but those options? not in my control.

i can choose how to react. how to feel.
to move on or to stay stuck on a negative thought or feeling.
to open my mind to possibilities or to close it.

those are my choices.

the others are not.

this weekend, i chose to run 12 miles. i chose to clean the house and go grocery shopping. to buy a birthday gift for b, to eat the lentil burger at blanc, see 'the social network,' have our first fire of the season, embrace the weather change. simply, i chose to call my life beautiful, and to enjoy it.

b's birthday is friday. i can't believe it's been a year since the last one.

a year full of changes and growing and learning. but mostly, a year full of love.