this pit.

i remember one day
years ago...
surrounded by friends and family and suddenly
being struck with the truth
that there are lonely people.
i looked out the window
at a woman -
well-dressed
toned
tan
power-walking
fast -
and i wondered if inside her head
regret raged
or worse,
the empty pit of loneliness,
i sort of shrugged and became grateful
for a house full of warmth and laughter
and a little bouncing dog, even -
a house that became a fortress,
protecting me from the isolation
i so feared.

thing is, i've since been that walking woman
and the pit of loneliness is much deeper
darker
and life-sucking
than my naivety could have ever comprehended.

aging gracefully?

tonight, i went to a 20-year high school reunion. and then to a 40th birthday party.

in about a month, i hit a big milestone birthday. people who meet me still think i'm 23. um, i don't look 23. just sayin'.

but anyway, 20 year reunions are prime, PRIME people watching. you wish you were there. forget that it cost $98 a ticket. you WISH you were there.

and now, too late i say to you, good night, internets. talk to you tomorrowish.

dear diary.

today i had to run some birthday shopping errands over lunch. it was HOT outside. omg. why is it so HOT right now...at the end of september. can you, diary, please ask God to turn down the temperature. that would be much appreciated as i have lots of new winter clothes to wear. thanks.

so, diary, birthday errand shopping wasn't as successful as i was hoping it would be. first, there was NO PLACE to park in the busy, midtown shopping area i ventured to on a FRIDAY on the LUNCH HOUR. this is crazy to me. i mean, it's not like it was BUSY down there.

anyway, after i parked and walked four blocks in the sweltering HEAT in my attire appropriate for my FREEZING office, i did find a cool T-shirt for myself. and a boy's belt in a size small enough to fit around my jeans. yay!!!!

anyway, diary, i was supposed to go see Beck and MGMT play monday night. but i had to sell my tickets. so now, i get to pick whatever i want to do instead...at a later date. and i can use that money to take me and my secret crush to something way fun. what should we do?!?!?!

- pensive

p.s., there's this boy who's pretty great and i like him a LOT a LOT. but don't tell anyone, diary.

hi.

day three.

successfully passed up a FREE bag of my favorite chips and then some halloween candy. had eggs for breakfast and lunch. and then dinner at cafe al dente on the patio. a chicken cobb salad with ranch. blue cheese, bacon and eggs. yum.

running tonight was harder than normal though. muscles felt really tight and um, just didn't have my usual endurance. i could blame that on last night's body boot camp session though. so i think i will. this once.

b would like it if i made clear that he is NOT doing the same plan as me. (he's being much more liberal with his.) and that he does not think i NEED to do a plan. he'll be keeping a close eye on yours truly.

goodnight internets.

day two...down?

today went okay with the eating. but, perhaps, the best time to start a new diet (read: healthy way of eating) was not during PMS EVENT FALL 2008.

i want chocolate. and chips. and a hamburger. and fries.

instead i had an egg and cheese and a mushroom, onion stir fry with salsa.

i'm such a whiner, i know.

p.s., the boot camp class i'm taking at the gym totally kicked my butt today. i probably shouldn't have run a mile before it started. oh, well.

ugh.

so b and i are also trying to cut our carbs. not the healthy ones. but the unhealthy, full-of-nothing-good-for-you ones.

that means my menu today did not include:
bread
sushi
candy
sugar
pasta
animal crackers
and even no pickled herring (it has high fructose corn syrup in it.)

instead i ate:
almonds
edamame
a salad with arugula, radish, feta, onion, chicken, olive oil and salsa
a hard-boiled egg
some cheddar cheese
and before bed, a large radish (romantic, no?)

on to tomorrow. so i say to my body (because i always talk to it), "maybe this will kick your metabolism back to where it was pre-medication. that would be great, thanks."

and with that, i'm off to dream of sugar plum fairies and sushi chefs.

experiment.

i'm giving up wine and candy for the week.

if nothing happens, i'm taking them back up again.

that's all.

pms (men need not read on, really.)

can i talk about that in here? thanks.

so yesterday, i tried on this skirt that, um, last winter was too big on me, and i could barely squeeze it over my butt. i attribute this to two things. one, my muscles were still swollen from the boot camp class i took on thursday. and two, the pre-menstrual bloat. okay and if we're being honest, i'm not running as much as i used to. which means, i'm not a slave to it. which means i've lost some of the tone i once had. which is why i'm taking the bootcamp class and anyway, see what i mean?

then, last night, at the plaza art fair. otherwise known as my most favorite thing to do in kansas city all year, i may have said that i didn't like an artist's work too loudly. within earshot of the artist. and when B got on me about it, i started crying. CRYING...in public. for a stupid reason.

today i've been in a funk. my head hurts. i feel swollen and crabby and anyway, this is bad to say, but sometimes i look forward to menapause. i mean, i know that sucks, too. but i'm not sure gaining up to five pounds in water weight every month, along with the whole being harder to be around thing, is really worth it.

singing at the top of my lungs with the windows rolled down.

so sometimes, sin upon all sins, i listen to mix 93.3. when there is nothing good on the cooler stations, of course. well lately, i've been catching this song...sort of a rock ballad. and anyway, i like it - secretly. and i always imagined it was some dumb new singer i would never confess to listening to. because i'm a music snob, remember?

okay, well this new mystery tiny-bopper, wanna-be singer is none other than gavin f'ing rossdale. what? i know! it's a total switch from his days with bush.

check it out here.

confession.

yesterday, i almost asked someone where they get their hair cut not because i like it. but because i want to make sure i never go there.

what's up, sun?

the sun is out today. it was out yesterday, too. but it didn't count for some reason. maybe it just wasn't the exact shade of wonderful. and i think the wind canceled it out a bit.

but today. today is a different story. of bright and beautiful and brilliant.

happy birthday, grandpa.

my birthday is two months from today.

that means that in one year and two months, i'll be 30. crazy.

this weekend, i partied like a 29 year-old should. here's how the s*it went down.
friday, i watched two movies on pay-per-view. smart people, which i thought i'd love but didn't like. and 27 dresses, which i thought i'd hate but loved.

saturday i ran four miles. hung out on the couch. went to an early dinner at lydias. shopped at urban outfitters where i spent triple what i planned to spend (which was ZERO.) got a stoli dole at the capitol grill. and was in bed by 9:30.

today, i had church. and then my grandpa's 83rd birthday party. after veggies, cake and more, i headed to the gym for a 3.5 mile run and some bike riding. and weights. and other stuff.

and now, i'm in bed at 10 o'clock. after watching taladaiga nights. again. and cracking up. again.

i bet you wish you had my life.

so exciting.

okay, wtf times a million...

so tornado sirens are going off and i, like any responsible citizen, have entered the kc weather chat room. don't judge.

anyway, as the weather is passing, this guy enters the chat room. and i'd like to provide an exact replication of his comments. enjoy.

daniel: Hello.
daniel: Any CUTE LADY here?
daniel: I need HER TO BE MY FIANCY
danile: SO if you are CUTE and PRETTY

okay, wtf.
i am going to continue to watch my movie now. but um, WTF.

love.

i love pickled herring. who's with me?
did you know you can buy close to a half gallon of it at costco? neither did i until today.

when i saw it hanging out in the pot stickers aisle, i squealed with delight and proclaimed to B, "they have pickled herring!" he didn't care.

anyway, i bought a jar of it, which i opened the second i got home. i quickly ate three pieces before rushing out the door to make my client meeting.

oh, how i'm craving more.

my breath smells nice, too.

tyra banks, wtf?

okay, i know i've said this before, but tyra banks on america's next top model is ridiculous. omg.

notes to self.

1. no matter how many times you try to like it, lemon flavored mendota sparkling water will always taste like lemon pledge.

2. the salad bar at sunfresh in wesport has fake bacon bits and gross chicken. don't go back.

3. after a bad haircut, let it grow for three weeks and then reassess.

4. you love autumn. savor it.

moments.

yesterday on the plane, i finished reading this.

and i wept. silently, but still, there were tears. because this book, these words and thoughts and this way of looking at god and spirituality and jesus hit me hard. in my core. it reawakened my thirst for transformation. and it spoke to me in a way that not much has.

i need to read it again with a highlighter. so that i can refer often to the passages that really struck a chord.

the epilogue talks about a moment in a church service when the author was a boy. he tells about how the pastor told everyone at the end of the services that if they wanted to believe in jesus and be saved, they could do it right there. in their seats. he asked everyone to bow their heads and to pray a salvation prayer with him if they wanted to. then, when he was finished, he asked the congregation to keep their eyes closed while instructing those who had made a decision for christ to raise their hands. he began to say things like, "i see some hands in the back, thank you. and there are a few ladies in the front. amen." but the author had his eyes open the entire time. there were no hands raised.

when i finished the epilogue, my mouth was hanging open. for real. not because i couldn't believe what had happened, but because i was in the same church service, or one very similar, as a young girl.

and at moments like that, in those types of places with those types of lying, deceitful representations of god, there is a choice to make. either lose your faith entirely, or find a new way to do faith. a way that's pure and true and just and honest. a way that's loving and kind and helpful and righteous.

thankfully, that moment in that church service wasn't a terrible moment for my faith, or the authors. but it was a defining one.

back home.

just got back from the outskirts of atlanta and picked up kolby james from here. he's so exhausted he won't even play with his tug.

i liked taking him there instead of just boarding him at the vet, but the accommodations were rather drab. his sleeping area looked dingy and dirty. i know he's a dog, but i think next time i'd like it if he was treated more like a prince. i may have to look into a nicer place with heated floors and a television in each 'cabana' for when i'm in hawaii.

:)

sooooo big.