sweating the small stuff

Why is it that no matter how hard I try, I always burn microwaveable popcorn?

I mean really, how much easier does it get?
1. Microwave
2. Stay and listen!
3. Open carefully!

I think what throws me off is the “Stop microwave when popping slows to 1 to 2 seconds between pops,” part of the instructions. Does this mean loud popping or soft popping? And what if I’m counting too fast or too slow — 3 seconds means burnt to a crisp, the whole office hates you – smelling popcorn, but 0.8 seconds may mean a bag full of unpopped kernels.

I also always mess up on this part: “CAUTION! Handle bag by top corners only. Open away from face.”
I think I have permanent steam burn.

Oh and by the way Mr. Redenbacher, popping not only “May take less than four minutes,” but a whopping 2 minutes 20 seconds caused scorching this time. Who writes your packaging copy anyway?

I'd like to offer another option -
1. Microwave
2. Don't even think about using the built-in "popcorn" button.
3. If contents still smell like popcorn, you might start preparing to take the bag out.
4. DON'T WAIT FOR THE BURNT SMELL.
5. Grab bag with both hands and point opening toward face. (We figure you've probably burnt it anyway, and this will be part of the healing process.)
6. Once your face is properly steamed, throw popcorn away. Congratulations, you just bought yourself a $1 facial.