they pay to kiss your feet

since there's no one else around, we let our hair grow long and forget all we used to know. then our skin gets thicker from living out in the snow.

Thursday, September 30, 2010


i had a panic attack last week. at least, i think that's what it was.

i woke up in the middle of the night from a nightmare in which i could not breathe. my chest burned and my heart was pounding. i could feel it in my throat.
i woke up b and told him i was having a hard time breathing. he soothed me back to sleep. like you soothe a baby, really. telling me everything was okay. rubbing my back lightly.

i woke up at 6 a.m. and went for a run. it. felt. hard.
really hard.
much harder than 3 miles should feel at 6 a.m.

when i got to work, breathing became laborious and something i started to focus way too much on. climbing the stairs left me gasping for air. having a conversation made me sound huffy and puffy. and then my chest started to hurt. burn. feel tight. and i got really anxious and nervous and then, as if i needed anything else, there was a bad wreck outside the office window. and the sound of car crashing into car, sirens, the stretcher, the woman holding her child, the way that life seemed suddenly so fragile, sent me deeper into panic.

i called the doctor.
i went in for an appointment.
my blood pressure was high.
really high.
for me, a runner.
someone who usually has reading of 98/60.
it was 130/87.

and then she did an ekg.
and a breathing test.
and she reminded me that i've gone through some stuff.

the divorce.
the living alone for the first time in my life.
the diagnoses and subsequent learning about a chronic disorder.
the losing my job.
the year of unemployment.
dealing with the brutal sexual crime that happened to someone very close to me.

and during that time. when things really sucked. i just kept living. day to day. because i had to. it's how i survived.

and now. now, when things are great. i mean, really, really great. now, is when the anxiety is catching up to me.

so i panicked. spent $30 on a co-pay to find out i wasn't dying. and then worked through the night on a print ad that was due to the client the next morning.

so i've been trying to breathe better. more deeply. with my sunroof open on chilly drives into work. reminding myself that life is good. my love is good. my heart is good. my soul is good. my job is good. god is good.

things are good.



last night, i had a dream that lindsay lohan wrote on my facebook wall to tell me to fix my eyebrows. and i was all, "but she doesn't even KNOW me."

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

it's a good deal, people.

Monday, September 27, 2010

the perfect space.

we saw the avett brothers this weekend. for the second time. a lot of their music deals with the transition you go through in your late 20s and early 30s when you start to realize you are moving into adulthood. real adulthood.

like the age your parents were when you were already 8.

you could say i'm going through this transition. now.

see, lately, i've been preoccupied with thoughts about getting older and what that means. what defines me. what difference am i making. if i don't have kids, what legacy am i leaving. do i matter in the grand scheme of schemes. am i living each day to its fullest - not knowing how many i have left.

am i spending the hours of my day in ways that are pleasing to god and also to my soul. am i using my gifts and talents to bring positive change. or to at least impact one person in a way that shows them that light and love and life and god exist.

or am i just too consumed with realizing i'm getting old that i'm sort of stuck in this frozen in-between.

"the perfect space" by the avett brothers

I wanna have friends that I can trust,
that love me for the man I've become not the man I was.
I wanna have friends that will let me be
all alone when being alone is all that I need.

I wanna fit in to the perfect space,
feel natural and safe in a volatile place.
And I wanna grow old without the pain,
give my body back to the earth and not complain.
Will you understand when I am too old of a man?
And will you forget when we have paid our debt
who did we borrow from? Who did we borrow from?

Okay part two now clear the house.
The party's over take the shouting and the people,
get out!

I have some business and a promise that I have to hold to.
I do not care what you assume or what the people told you.
Will you understand, when I am too old of a man?
Will you forget when we have paid our debts,
who did we borrow from? Who did borrow from?

I wanna have pride like my mother has,
And not like the kind in the bible that turns you bad.
And I wanna have friends that I can trust,
that love me for the man I've become and not the man that I was.

Monday, September 20, 2010


i thought the magnolia was dying.

i was using a loper to trim its excess and it's really amazing how much excess it has. branches that shoot straight up, born on top of more well-established branches. a canopy of thick, ample shade. and as i looked up, noticing how the sun beamed through the few places leaves didn't cover, i saw - to my horror - a few yellow leaves.

so i announced to b that our magnolia tree, the giver of blossoms and fragrance and shade and compliments and happiness had a disease.

'honey, look!' i proclaimed, nearly crying. 'it's dying. it has a disease. what if it falls on the house?"

his reply?

"um, it's practically fall. it's not an evergreen."

duh, right?

Sunday, September 19, 2010


for dinner, i made vegan stuffing.

raw walnuts, shitake mushrooms, garlic, shallot, carrot, chili pepper, salt, sage, pepper, olive oil and yellow onion - all pulsed in the food processor. then, heated in the iron skillet. at the end i added about 1/2 a cup of nutritional yeast.

i put the stuffing inside of a butternut squash that roasted in the oven for an hour.

it was good. but maybe a little boring. so, b had some naan on the side. and we grated some sheep's milk cheese on top of the squash.

yesterday was yom kippur. fast-breaking included lox, bagel, cream cheese, herring and the works. so. good.

it was also my nephew's bris. that was emotional.

and by the way, house of denmark has the most OVER-PRICED chairs on the planet. yes, our couch is from there. yes, we love it. but $1500 for a CHAIR? no thanks.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

i want this.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

so i got a haircut.

feels more like me. now if only my leg would heal so i can run again.

Monday, September 13, 2010


i'm going to bed. it's 8:30.

i'm tired because (drum roll), i watched my sister give birth on saturday morning. EARLY morning. 2:52 a.m. to be exact. so i didn't sleep friday night. but it was worth it.

she had a beautiful, healthy baby boy. 6 pounds 9 ounces. just like his sister.


Friday, September 10, 2010


"i walked" by sufjan stevens.

it's been on repeat for two weeks.

Wednesday, September 08, 2010


i've run 26 miles since saturday. i think that's a record for me. and i'm tired because of it. so the next two days will be off days. followed by a LONG run this weekend. on long runs greater than 8 miles, i take energy chews along and eat them after about an hour of running. last weekend, i found organic energy chews. this made me insanely happy.