confession.

i had a panic attack last week. at least, i think that's what it was.

i woke up in the middle of the night from a nightmare in which i could not breathe. my chest burned and my heart was pounding. i could feel it in my throat.
i woke up b and told him i was having a hard time breathing. he soothed me back to sleep. like you soothe a baby, really. telling me everything was okay. rubbing my back lightly.

i woke up at 6 a.m. and went for a run. it. felt. hard.
really hard.
much harder than 3 miles should feel at 6 a.m.

when i got to work, breathing became laborious and something i started to focus way too much on. climbing the stairs left me gasping for air. having a conversation made me sound huffy and puffy. and then my chest started to hurt. burn. feel tight. and i got really anxious and nervous and then, as if i needed anything else, there was a bad wreck outside the office window. and the sound of car crashing into car, sirens, the stretcher, the woman holding her child, the way that life seemed suddenly so fragile, sent me deeper into panic.

i called the doctor.
i went in for an appointment.
my blood pressure was high.
really high.
for me, a runner.
someone who usually has reading of 98/60.
it was 130/87.

and then she did an ekg.
and a breathing test.
and she reminded me that i've gone through some stuff.

the divorce.
the living alone for the first time in my life.
the diagnoses and subsequent learning about a chronic disorder.
the losing my job.
the year of unemployment.
dealing with the brutal sexual crime that happened to someone very close to me.

and during that time. when things really sucked. i just kept living. day to day. because i had to. it's how i survived.

and now. now, when things are great. i mean, really, really great. now, is when the anxiety is catching up to me.

so i panicked. spent $30 on a co-pay to find out i wasn't dying. and then worked through the night on a print ad that was due to the client the next morning.

so i've been trying to breathe better. more deeply. with my sunroof open on chilly drives into work. reminding myself that life is good. my love is good. my heart is good. my soul is good. my job is good. god is good.

things are good.

now.