hi.

i have issues.

maybe they will all go away in maui.

i'm laughing at the thought of that.

because that's not how life works.

but seriously, i'm growing envious of people who can just push things away. down deep somewhere inside themselves where they put it in a locked safe and forget the combination.

i mean, i know how incredibly stupid that is in the sense that those people will never learn certain lessons and grow in ways that they may need to grow.

but wow, my heart would feel much lighter. if i was one of those people with a combination they've forgotten. and a mind that doesn't dwell or create stories or think too much about something that should be insignificant.

and honestly right now, while i'm typing this. "i became awake" by great lake swimmers started playing. and the lyrics remind me that i'm awake now. and being awake is the very reason my mind is like it is. i'm aware i guess.

but being aware is, sometimes, such a burden.
---
I became awake.
From a very dark place - a patchwork of fear of poorly conceived ideas.
With a blister of water, the mark of working hands,
ready to catch or cut.
The senses aligned, the animal urgency and voices picked up
flowing over the static,
late
quiet.

I became awake.
Fingers are open.
Eyes they are open -
the firing of images,
an orchestra of scribbles.
The guts of an engine,
the veins of a leaf,
light onto paper - exposed.
A filament in a bulb,
up above or in the ground.
Together we are magic,
together we are dreaming,
together we reach endlessly,
The center of a seed - so full of possibilities.

I became awake.
I thought I was sleeping,
but I was only forming a structure with no ceiling,
With words like a runway - a cloud of a person drifting away.
I was heavy, but now I am light.
I was heavy, but now I am light