on gus and abandonment.

i've been having reoccurring dreams about gus. in the dreams, i'm always living in the house i grew up in. but, i'm not 12 or even 17. instead, i'm 28.

the dream usually begins with me inside the house walking by the back door as i look for charlotte, the golden retrieve we had when we lived there. but as soon as i realize it's 2008 and she is not alive, i also realize that OMG my parent's left gus outside for a few weeks without letting him in. i run to the backyard where i start to look for him. he comes running to me, but he looks very dirty and different. that's when he takes me to the hole where he's been living. at that point of the dream, i either wake up or sneak him inside for a bath.

last night's dream was a bit different.

i walked outside and there came gus, running to me like crazy. but his hair was white and curly. and you could see through to his skin, which was badly cut and blistered. and he bit me, because he'd become a "wild" dog. i went inside and started to freak out. and then i learned that he'd only been outside for a few weeks and that if i brought him inside, he might begin to remember how to be civilized. so i brought him in and gave him a bath and introduced him to kolby and took the two of them on a walk and then, found a kennel for gussy wussy and put him in it for the night.

that's about when i woke up. with this incurable ache and a pit in my stomach.

and it hasn't gone away.