hi. it's me.

i'm the girl who likes her new haircut for one day.
and then hates it.
i'm the one who goes to the pool when she's bloated and wishes it was sweat-suit season.
hi, let me introduce you to me.
i'm messed up.
see, i've been conditioned to compare -- and to decide, always, that i lose.
i'm the one who feels smaller. than her or her or her.
you know, not as funny.
or pretty. or tan. or tall. or thin. or smart.
i'm the one who will never be as witty as i want to be.
and i've never really see my reflection accurately.
because i focus on flaws.
and guess what? i'm insecure.
which is sometimes debilitating. crumpling.
life-sucking.
and it makes me want to
suffocate sometimes ---
because maybe that would be easier
than this life of always trying to be
someone i'm not.
tanner
blonder
smarter
faster
fitter
prettier
funnier
more full of grace
and gumption
and charm and whatever else it is
that i think too much about
on days when i can't seem to swim
out from in front of this distorted mirror.