sleepy.

i've been up since 4:45 a.m. that's when i woke up to pee and couldn't go back to sleep. then, after several hours of tossing and turning, the alarm went of at 6:30. on a saturday. why? because today we went garagesailing. honestly, i meant to use "sail" there and not "sale." because we literally floated on a cloud of exhaustion from downton to brookside to midtown to overland park to grandview.

note to me and to you: do not go to missouri furniture warehouse or whatever it's called on grandview road. totally strange and sketch and anyway, don't go.

we did get some good garage sale finds though:
a wet/dry 5 horse-power shopvac for $20
some garden tools
a sprinkler for $2
a really cute flowery shabby chic organizational board for $5
an espresso maker for $2

and we found the screened-in porch furniture we want at a great store at a great price, which we will get tomorrow. the day we officially own the new house (and have a truck big enough to put it in.)

hooray!

hey, hey you out there. you should hire me.

you know the song from fiddler on the roof called matchmaker? "matchmaker, matchmaker make me a match. find me a find, catch me a catch. night after night in the dark i'm alone, so find me a match of my own!"

i'm sorta singing it now - but to headhunters. i want a JOB. i'm coming upon three months of unemployment. three months. three. and you know how at the end of every summer break, you were ready to go back to school, learn some new things, see old friends. that's how i feel. i'm craving a cubicle. and projects. and clients. and managers. and getting paid. yes, getting a paycheck would be nice right about now. or in two weeks, whatever the pay schedule would be. i'm open. to lots of options. and to redefining myself a bit. and to a lower salary. and to a higher one. and honestly, i just want something to do every day. something i'm passionate about. something that is more stable than being unemployed (which, if we're being honest, is actually pretty stable right now given the fact that i've been doing it for three months.) but benefits would be super. amazing, really. benefits and coworkers. i'd like some of those. and really inspiring, inspired people. you know, the kind that make you want to do better, be better and create more? i'd like to be surrounded by a few of them. people who aren't stuck in a rut. who know that a good idea doesn't care where it comes from. people who don't give up when a brainstorm of concepts seems stail after 40 ideas. people who leave that room because it's maybe out of ideas and go to another room - or outside to a patio - and come up with a list of 40 more ideas. or 50. and somewhere in there, somewhere is a nugget. a spark. a piece of what will become the big idea. the one that their creative director will love and then so will account managment. the one that will grow and mature and become bigger than itself - almost. the one that will give the client confidence that yes, they made the right decision. the one that will have the best ROI, the best response from consumers and will win best of show next year at the Addys.

okay, so there's that.
i'm ready for you, if you're ready for me.

score.

i just took kolby and andy out to potty. at the same time. that's two leashes, two crazy dogs and one busy downtown neighborhood during rush hour.

and guess what? they both did their business. number one and number two. in unison.

it was the best thing that happened all day.

knock, knock.

every once in a while, i meet someone who to me, is a stranger. but i'm not to them. they know me because of this. this journal of thoughts and photos and the occasional spew of randomness fit together as an excuse for poetry.

and wow, it's usually such a treat to say hello. face-to-face.

then there's the opposite. old friends and acquaintances who i know read this. but never comment or say hello. and i suppose i give them that option.

but sometimes, sometimes i just want to know who's there.

monster.

today, these things happened.

i'm watching my dad's 125 lb golden retriever. we got him when i was 17. he's not used to downtown living. so far:

1. he doesn't "get" the elevator. he tends to stick his 40-lb head into the door approximately six times before the door will actually shut all of the way.
2. he marks street signs, polls and light posts. he does not know how to not mark the entire sidewalk. when he pees, it's like a gallon of gushy, smelly pee.
3. he is slobbering all over all of my stuff.
4. i tried furminating him and removed a trash bag full of hair. there is lots more to go.
5. he tries to hump kolby. but kolby is smaller than his head, so instead, he stands in the corner and humps the air.
6. he never stops panting, drooling and shedding.
7. i trip over him when i try to walk him.
8. to escape, i left and went jogging at loose park. somehow, he drank a bucket full of water that i left, dragged the bucket across the apartment and ate some paper.
9. i am going crazy. and this is going to last 10 more days.

god bless...

american idol.

i may have just said, "that was the best thing to ever happen on t.v."

okay, yes i did say that. in between screams and hitting B on the shoulder over and over and over.

opposite.

some days, i sit at that stop light and remember the words that were said and the way that it made me feel. and then i dwell. and for the rest of the day, my stomach feels strange and i can't quite get over it.

other days, i realized how much of a cancer those words were. and i rise above it. and float. somewhere between cloud 9 and the ground. and even stop to smell a flower or two.

fresh.

i'm selling my couch. and my coffee table. and it's kind of strange. kind of. because i only bought them two years ago. but they never really felt like mine. not like the purple couch did. or like the grey one does. and even though i didn't buy the grey one. it probably has my butt print by now.

but not the one i'm selling. it's been hardly used. it just never felt like home i guess.

so i'm selling it. and i'm looking for newness like conversation sets for a screened in porch. and an outdoor dining set. and it'd also be cool to find a good deal on a rug or two.

so as i browse, the internet and craigslist and wherever, i'm listening to "the only moments we were alone." by explosions in the sky. and it's amazing. really. have you heard it? wow. you should. it's so raw and powerful and it doesn't even have lyrics. and i'm a sucker for lyrics. i'll pour over them for hours. i'll pick each word up and turn it around. looking under it. and behind it. and flipping it sideways to examine the vowels and the possible inflection and then, when i'm done, i'll feel somehow torn apart. because the power of words. of letters pushed together to form phrases and clauses and a run on sentence or two....is endless.

10 days late.

my four year blogaversary was 10 days ago. four years.

four years of making you suffer through my woes and my highs and my lower than lows and my dog switcharoo and my relationship status updates and my love for all things chili cheese fritos and wine and chocolate.

but who am i kidding. i didn't make you. you chose to read me. and for that, i thank you. really. from the bottom of my heart. and my stomach, which i just filled with two huge dill pickles and some creamed herring. because that's the kind of girl i am. the kind that after watching a tear-jerking, in-y0ur-face season finale of grey's anatomy, drowns her sorrows in a jar of pickles.

and yes, of course, i accompanied it with a nice glass or two of savingnon blanc. because, have i told you? this is my new favorite. ever ever. favorite wine.

the house where we are moving will have a place just for wine. and another for plates and pots and an herb garden.

goodnight.

still standing.

for anyone who is wondering, i'm still without job. which means without paycheck and without things to do all day. i'm also without a reason to shower before noon and to buy new clothes.

and i've been going through some hard things while i'm here without work. things that have nothing to do with jobs or a job, and then things that have everything to do with needing to make a living.

but some really cool things have happened, too. i've grown closer to friends because i have more time to invest in relationships. i've gotten to know my niece better. i've been able to work out 8 days in a row. i'm back to running over 20 miles a week. and...drumroll...i am going to be moving into a house. in my favorite neighborhood in the city. it's a perfect house. perfect. with characater and a screened-in portch. and a big patio and a fenced yard for kolby. and wood floors and crystal doorknobs and space to expand and a kitchen with professional-grad appliances in stainless steel.

yes, that's happening.

so it hasn't been all bad.

just a number.

every time i get on the elliptical, i punch my age in as 26. it's like my life just stopped at that age and the fact that i am quite a bit older than that has, somehow, not sunk in.

runner's tan.

it's officially the time of year when my tan outlines a sport's bra and running tank.

hot.

so healthy.

yesterday, b and i walked over to the farmers market to browse. and even though the produce was abundant and the tomatoes were huge and ripe, we walked away with a package of buffalo jerky and some butter.

silicone city.

i just need to say, that this makes me want to vom.

discuss.

things to do. deadline: august.

1. finish (or help B finish) my unofficially official permanent portfolio site.
2. learn how to say that five times fast.
3. land my dream job.
4. get a wine journal and start keeping track of what i liked, what it tasted like and what made me giggle while drinking it.
5. settle into a place i can finally call my home sweet home.
6. get a haircut.
7. take the fit in for its scheduled maintenance. get an oil change while i'm at it.
8. order more heart guard for kolby.
9. find new running routes and start training for a half marathon.
10. admit to eating chocolate for breakfast.

for you.

i'd stand there looking up
at your hair past your shoulders
and at that vein on your wrist next to your
delicate watch -
the one we all picked out with you
from dad -
the one that needed a few gold pieces cut out
to fit your tiny bone structure.
and i'd wait for some signal
of approval or something i thought i needed
then

but soon i was at eye level
with your hazel blues
and then maybe four months later,
i could see well the deep creases on your brow
come autumn, i could look straight at your part
of blonde and brown and grey
until one day,
i grew taller than you

and ever since, it seems we have trouble
seeing eye to eye.

this week.

lots to do. things to finalize. interviews to attend. old friends to see. air to breathe. patio set to find.

anyone know of a great/cheap one?