the one about the B word. (no, not brad.)

we want a baby. trouble is, i'm not a good candidate for carrying one.

so we're exploring options and things like that. this means, i'm never going to make the 'i'm pregnant' announcement. but, one day i hope to make the 'we have secured a baby' announcement. which, yes, sounds flippant. but, that's how it works.

so far we've looked into adoption but still have a few other avenues to check out before finalizing our "how."

here's the scary part about adoption: the home study.

it comes in this binder and is hugely daunting. especially the part where you have to write an autobiography of your entire life - including any dysfunction, past relationships, behavioral therapy, etc. i get it, but having to sit down to write all of that and place it in a binder that will be a determining factor on whether or not i am a good candidate to be a mother is scary.

here's the other things that sucks. if you've been divorced, a lot of adoption agencies require that you've been in your current marriage for 5 years before they will allow you to adopt.
we can't wait five years.

so our options are fewer. but maybe that's the way it is supposed to be. you never know why doors are closed to you. just like i don't know why my body decided to deny me the opportunity to do part of what it is designed to do.

but we're excited. the joy outweighs the scary. the possibility outweighs the pain.

and so, we move forward. we've given ourselves almost a year to figure it all out. and then, we'll be all-in. in the meantime, we're rearranging our house - making room for a baby. for a child that could very well be conceived tomorrow or maybe it was yesterday or last week or in a couple of months. a child that has a future of love and support as a hamilton.

i. can't. wait.