processing.

yesterday my mom took my niece to this woman's house with a huge garden to help weed it. and to play in the sprinkler. e wore her swimsuit.

there was a heat advisory and i was paranoid. so i made sure they knew about it. and felt uneasy until my sister told me she heard they were on their way home.

turns out that while they were there, one of the other ladies helping started having back pains. that wrapped toward her chest. a friend of my mom's. the same age.

when the ambulance came, my mom took e outside to the garden to play.

when e heard the sirens stop, mom said that they probably just had to change their tire. so that she wouldn't be afraid.

when it pulled away, they headed home.

e thinks my mom's friend hurt her back.

turns out she passed away.

i'm having a hard time processing this. and i wasn't even there. and i don't even know her.

the juxtaposition of e's innocence with the tragedy that unfolded makes me deeply sad. at this odd level. the same kind of sadness i used to experience when i was 11 and my 5-year-old sister would want tons of candy and she couldn't have it so she'd start crying. i'd get sad because she didn't need the candy. and she didn't know that if she ate tons of it. all of it. it would make her sick. she was just a little girl, wanting candy because it tasted good. because it was a treat.

like little e, excited to go garden with nana. in her swimming suit. with her curls bouncing. holding her ears when the sirens got closer. going to look at mom's friend's doll collection when things got scary.