cycle.

i've been pushing and pulling with my body image stuff since i was 11.

pushing myself to be perfect. pulling back when the pushing gets out of hand.

the year i was unemployed, i ran a lot. every day. and it felt good. i didn't do it because i thought i "had" to. but when i got a job, i was afraid that the lack of time to run every day would make me go crazy. make the scales go up. make me an emotional mess.

i went to the doctor today. the nurse said she could have used pediatric instruments on me because i'm so tiny. i weighed less than i did on the day i got married. and here's the thing. i've been working a lot. running less. and eating more (especially at lunchtime).

maybe it is time for me to just be. if i can run, i can. if i can't, i can't. if i want two sandwiches, i want two.

it's just hard to get there.