loves.

i love:

dark chocolate with sea salt and almonds.
drinking margaritas on the patio with B at 4 p.m. just because we can.
our new patio set with chairs that rock. literally. back and forth.
guacamole. made from scratch. made by me.
my husband's just-revealed-to-me talent for popping popcorn. from the kernel.
my neighborhood.
running routes that never get boring.
christopher elbow ice cream. go to glace. just go.
teaching my husband about eames while at the nelson.
looking at the painting i've loved since i was a little girl.
watching movies on the couch and drinking wine. at the same time.
making naan pizzas.
B's new love for the smoker. and all of the goodness that comes out of it.
goat cheese.
my brother-in-law's barbecue sauce.
shade.
kolby. the best, most-loving dog i've ever had.
my sister.
and the baby in her tummy.
and my niece.
plus the baby in my sister-in-law's tummy.
and my entire family.
oh, and my job.
i love my job.
which is another reason to love life.
right now.
smiling.

yesterday.

i was so annoyed and tired on my drive home yesterday that i turned the radio off. silence.

i'm not sure how i mustered the strength to cook, but i got right to it when i walked in the door.

i made this amazing pasta sauce. tons of garlic, hot red peppers, frozen peas, shitake mushrooms, grape tomatoes, olive oil, cracked pepper, salt - lots of salt.

i boiled these noodles that i am in love with. traditional italian egg noodles dried into little nests.

and then i spilled oily pasta sauce all over my new shorts.

and spilled several spices from the cabinet onto the floor.

and made B a roasted chicken, sprouts and provolone sandwich for lunch the next day.

and taste-tested the sauce. ten times.

i wasn't going to run. i needed the night off. but after draining the noodles, combining them with the sauce and setting it back on the stove for the flavors to really marry, i put on my running clothes and went on what was maybe the hottest three-mile "jog" of my life.

so hot.

sweating by the .25-mile mark hot.

dehydrated after 10 minutes hot.

ridiculously hot.

and humid.

so i got home and showered. in cold water.

and then put some pasta into two bowls. topped with local spinach, toasted almonds and pecorino romano.

a bowl for me and a bowl for B.

plus two tall glasses of sauvignon blanc.

we ate on the couch while we watched a movie.

and then, i fell asleep at 9:30.

thirty.

30. not my age. my SPF.

it's what i slathered all over every inch of exposed skin before heading out on my 5.5 mile run this morning. it's what claimed to be sweat-proof even though it wasn't. it's part of my new routine. something i'll do every day for the rest of my life. something i should have been doing already. with my fair skin that easily burns and freckles.

in about a week, i'll go to a dermatological surgeon so that they can make sure to get clear margins around a mole i have that came back abnormal. the cells had begun their journey to become cancer. they weren't there yet. but they were close.

too close for my comfort.

so 30 is my new number.

is it yours?

oh, jimmy.

i still love jimmy eat world. maybe more than i used to. so good.

i also love lee dewyze. i picked him as a finalist as early as the auditions. ask B. it's true. but i sort of hope he doesn't win. so that he can go do his "own thing" instead of being packaged into some lady gaga, justin beiber type of ridiculousness.

anxiety.

last tuesday, right after running on the treadmill, my neck started to feel terrible. it has progressively gotten worse.

just one side. under my skull on the right. i can't turn my head to the left. checking my blind spot while driving is nearly impossible.

and then friday night, i started to have trouble breathing. feeling like i'm not getting enough oxygen to the places that need it.

of course i've diagnosed myself with a million life-threatening conditions. thank you, internet.

but i've also decided it's probably nothing to worry about.

what i'm really nervous about is the results of two biopsies i had done last thursday.

to my diggity deich, now 33 :)

remember when i wrote about the one friend i would miss having at my wedding. blue shoes. looking back at her. watching me. and then how god worked. and she was there. and things are restored. and anyway, tomorrow is her birthday. and my half birthday. and mostly, a day that i am thankful to be able to share with her again. my dear friend. who never once left my heart. or mind. or thoughts. so, happy birthday, friend. i love you.

cycle.

i've been pushing and pulling with my body image stuff since i was 11.

pushing myself to be perfect. pulling back when the pushing gets out of hand.

the year i was unemployed, i ran a lot. every day. and it felt good. i didn't do it because i thought i "had" to. but when i got a job, i was afraid that the lack of time to run every day would make me go crazy. make the scales go up. make me an emotional mess.

i went to the doctor today. the nurse said she could have used pediatric instruments on me because i'm so tiny. i weighed less than i did on the day i got married. and here's the thing. i've been working a lot. running less. and eating more (especially at lunchtime).

maybe it is time for me to just be. if i can run, i can. if i can't, i can't. if i want two sandwiches, i want two.

it's just hard to get there.

i also love this one because he looks so handsome.

a few from the wedding.

spew.

i'm listening to damien rice and reading weather reports about predictions of a tornado outbreak. tonight. or today. or this evening. with F5 tornadoes. and straight-line winds.

and i keep listening. to damien rice. and i write a little. branding copy. then i check the storm warnings. nothing here. yet.

so i write some more.

and think. and read a brand brief. and then a creative brief. and then i go back to my copy. writing about siding and donuts and Sonic. not all at once. but all today.

it's dark outside.

and i'm tired.

sleepy. hungry. would-really-like-some-chocolate tired.

but i'm thankful. to be writing instead of sleeping.

listening to damien rice. on a rainy day.

today is my 1-month wedding anniversary.

saturday we bought a real, grown-up wrought iron patio set. with chairs that rock. (or tilt) or whatever. i think they have some sort of spring that allows them to move. b loves them. i love them.

we keep being in-sync. thinking the same thoughts at the same time. i'm on the phone calling the place where we got his wedding band to complain that it's already scuffing and he sends me an ichat at the same instant about the same thing.

i love that we're like that. i once heard it described as having twin thoughts.

i keep a bag of chips in my desk drawer. and i'm not kidding when i tell you that i go through one bag a week.

they're guiltless gourmet. but i have a (tiny) bit of guilt.

a letter to life.

dear life,

you've been pretty sweet lately. i guess this means i'm on the downhill part of the roller coaster, right? the part where it's okay to stop pedaling for awhile and just breathe.

the part where things seem almost perfect. a super husband. a beautiful house. two cars that get us from here to there. two great jobs in fields we want to be in. two adorable pets. at least two-square meals a day.

and many snacks.

but let me tell you something, life. you really had me going for awhile. on that uphill part. the part where i was heartbroken and empty. the part where my body started to fail. the part where i lost my job and spent more than a year looking for a new one. the penny-pinching, meal-stretching, engagement-postponing part.

but i think that's the part that trained me for this part. if that makes any sense.

trained me to cherish good days. to save wisely, live frugally and find something every day to raise a glass to.

and i think the hard part, the part where i sometimes, often, usually forgot to breathe...that was the part that taught me what it really means to be human. to live in a world that requires us to relinquish control on a daily basis. because so many factors are so outside our realm of understanding.

so life, thank you for turning around for the time being. and thank you for teaching me that i can make it through the hard times. and that, while they may come and go, they don't usually last forever.

rainbows and sunshine,
jessi

keep on rocking in the free world.

i have never felt more "30" than last night at pearl jam.

i've also never felt more "now" and hip.

band of horses, one of my favorite bands, opened the show. this is the reason i agreed to pay $70 a ticket.

they were great.

people all around us were saying things like, "what's this band's name again? who are these people?" until they played their last song, the ever-popular 'funeral.' that's when the previously non-fans began belting the words. loudly. ruining the song for me. a true fan.

but then, there was pearl jam. and a now-more-tame eddie vedder. he didn't climb onto structures. he didn't look dirty. he played 29 songs, which included two encores. he rocked hard. and the crowd rocked harder.

no one there was under 30. well, a few people were. but they didn't know all the words to 'elderly woman behind the counter in a small town.' they only knew how to fist-pump when volume got louder.

pearl jam's 'ten' was the first cd i purchased on my own. i poured over the lyrics. memorizing them. analyzing their meaning. i censored the f-word in 'jeremy' every time my mother was in the room by turning the volume down really quickly.

about halfway through the show, i told brad i felt like seeing pearl jam was kind of like seeing journey. but then he said that wasn't true. because eddie vedder still looks alive. and they're still making new music.

that's when eddie vedder reminded us they'd been touring for 20 years.

20.

and suddenly i looked around. at all of the 30 and 40-somethings re-living high school. grade school. grunge.

and boy, did i feel old.

TMI.

I'd been feeling sorta bloated for about a week. (Remember the whole swollen fingers thing?)

Maybe it was post-honeymoon bloat.

But anyway. Today, I've had to pee every hour. A lot. And suddenly, the bloat is gone.

I've peed out the bloat.

Huzzah!