they pay to kiss your feet

since there's no one else around, we let our hair grow long and forget all we used to know. then our skin gets thicker from living out in the snow.

Thursday, February 07, 2008

gasping.

So I’m looking at these pictures online. Of bladders with interstitial cystitis. And I’m getting emotional. It’s coming from somewhere deep inside and I’m looking at these photos of other people’s bladders and I’m seeing what I saw on the computer monitor at the doctor’s office on Tuesday. And I’m losing it. You can’t tell by my face or by the way my hair looks nice today. But inside, deep beneath my skin’s protective layer, I’m dying. Absolutely dying. Because those pictures are of sick bladders. And my bladder looks just like those. And here’s the thing — it might not go away. Ever. And I’m in denial. I mean, thick denial. I acknowledge the disease with my lips, but in my heart I try to feel normal. I convince myself that I can have that piece of chocolate or that I should buy a bottle of wine for tomorrow’s dinner. As the weekend approaches I start to daydream about what restaurants I want to grace with my presence. I think about the sushi and soy sauce I’m craving and about how having one too many dirty martinis sounds appealing. But I don’t even know how I’ll feel tomorrow. Will my bladder be flaring or will I feel an unnerving calm. A calm that always tricks me into pretending this condition away. But I saw the pictures. There's is no more pretending.

8 Comments:

  • At 7:17 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    praying for you.

     
  • At 11:07 PM, Blogger Spyder said…

    Not an easy step, but a first step none the less towards you taking charge of your healing.

     
  • At 4:05 AM, Blogger Tony said…

    I have to note that these past few posts have been ripping my heart out and hoping for the best, wishing and praying for you. I wish I had any kind of decent advice to give but I don't. All I can write is that you're a very brave broad for soldiering on like you have been and I'm sure you have a lot of family and friends who have your back and for that I'm sure you probably know you've been blessed.

    Keep your chin up. You rock. God bless.

     
  • At 7:38 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    this was taken from: http://www.revolutionhealth.com/drugs-treatments/rating/probiotics-lactobacillus-bifidobacterium-?page=7&view=treatment

    acidophilis/bifodis I have been taking this for over four years. For half a year I was taking a spoonful of live, fruit-flavored culture religiously every morning on an empty stomach and had a complete reprieve from IC. Now, I take 2 capsules of 5 million live cultures twice a day, but I have not had the same relief. I am living on a different coast now, but will find out what the fruit-flavored brand was and get back to you. I have to add that there are other things that influence the change other than the brand like my sexual activity and sleep habits. But I do know that the live cultures have helped across the board. Yes, they are a bit more expensive, but anything else is a waste of the money you do spend.

    I hope this was helpful - it at least demonstrates that it's possible. There may not be a cure, but some are finding reprieve.

     
  • At 10:56 AM, Blogger That Guy said…

    Ignore the internets. ;) I know right, easier said than done.

     
  • At 1:55 PM, Blogger Faith said…

    Yeah...what Tony said.

    (Um, weird!)

    I hope things get better soon, Jess. I'll pray that they do...

     
  • At 2:52 PM, Blogger Pensive Girl said…

    thanks everyone. and tony, the most encouraging words to come out of your mouth in a long time :)
    i am honored to be the recepient.

     
  • At 4:34 PM, Blogger Spyder said…

    Re Tony: See miracles do happen!

     

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