happy christmas eve day.

this used to be my favorite day of the year. because i knew that at night, my family would eat, eat eat. smoked oysters. stuffed mushrooms. crab legs. the food would make me ridiculously happy. and so, all of the eating would coincide with a 9-year-old pensive girl running around the house, jumping up and down, singing along to the cabbage patch christmas album. sliding in her socked feet on the wood floors. laughing, giggling. anticipating.

now that i'm a little bit older, i still love christmas eve. it's filled with hope and memories and the promise of starting over. it's not about presents anymore. or the food. but it's about a very real savior who conquered the divide between man and god and did all of that so that everyone could know the meaning of true love.

so this christmas eve day, i'm thankful for that.

i hope that each of you can experience the meaning of true love this christmas. and that somehow, god would touch you, too.

i'll be back in a few days.
until then, christmas blessings.

today.

outside that window
it's dark.
too dark for almost lunchtime.
and there are these raindrops
that keep hitting the glass
with sharp, determined blows.
and the wind is angry today -
at the world that looks slightly too dirty
for such a festive time of year.
and so it's blowing with determined speed.
and the forecast promises snow,
which the wind will pick up in its embrace
sprinkling it atop concrete
and oil
and everything else that makes downtown look so dingy
and for a split second
everything will appear
brighter.

how i got a lance bass bobble head.

i named myself the unofficial social chair of my creative team at work. i got this title last year after organizing our first official white elephant lunch. today was white elephant - the second. we went to po's noodle and dumpling bar. next to our table was this christmas tree. there was a card in the center that had a picture of two girls in "sexy nurse" halloween costumes. see below.
i wanted to "win" this vodka. but, andy ended up with it. i was pissed.

andy first opened a themed package from our boss and creative director, nick. it contained a lance bass bobble head, a sophie b. hawkins tape and a small bottle of malibu rum with banana. can you guess the theme? when he stole the vodka from me, i ended up with his gift.

andy kept getting the better end of the stick. this is a picture of his lunch. fried chicken on top of soup? yes, please.

nick opened my gift. he received a nasty old blanket, one of those chair things that you can read with in bed and the CD single of LFO singing "summer girls." you're welcome, nick.

the waitress offered to take a photo of the entire team. here we are.

ho, ho, ho.

fixing me

i'm damaged-
bruised and broken.
bleeding
bloodied
and squinting to avoid the next
B
L
O
W
but i'm facing forward
and i'm becoming familiar with what it means
to trust again

and trusting feels good
like a great new pair of shoes
- the perfect compliment to any outfit
that at the end of the day
leave my feet perfect - no blisters
just smooth skin

maybe they're red wedges
or purple pointy-toed
or plaid with a mary jane strap
that part doesn't really matter
because they are the nicest thing in my closet
and in the morning, i can't wait to put them on again.

latkes!

my friend ben hosted a white elephant party on saturday. and, being an avid reader of my blog, he knew that i missed chanukah. so he bought latke mix and we made them. here are pictures of the joy that ensued.

things.

i have cheese coming out of my ears. literally. brie. goat. cream. lots of cheese.

that's all, really.

and i'm watching the 30 rock christmas episode. and so far, it's very funny.

i missed channukah

i missed the latkes and the presents. i missed the family and the candles. i missed my favorite jewish food holiday of the year all because the sky was spitting ice and i was afraid to drive 30 minutes to the celebration.

i missed it, and now i have to wait until next year to enjoy it. unless someone wants to give me my own, special channukah. i'll teach you how to make latkes. any takers?

weekend highlights.

1. loft-warming party hosted by me. two cases of wine, 2 wheels of brie - one cold, one baked with honey on top. cream cheese covered in mango salsa. goat cheese surrounded with arugula, chili sauce and cracked pepper. artichoke jalapeno cream cheese dip. hummus. cookies. sushi. veggies and dip. blue cheese-stuffed green olives. ranch cashews. about 35 people and a kick-ass playlist.

2. CT scan of the lower abdomen. forced to drink solution and have iodine injected. after finished drinking solution, asked what it is. found out it had aspartame in it. yeah, that does not fly with me. so um, i'm basically just waiting to get a migraine. wtf.

3. showed california friend around the city. during the icing of the city. he was most enthralled with seeing ice being scraped off the windshield. he'd only seen that in the movies before. ate at oklahoma joe's. ate more fries than i should have. walked through the river market. ate at the city diner. walked around some more. ate at piropos.

i'm ready for a nap. and i need to go running. but i hear it's going to ice up to or more than an inch overnight. instead of running, ice skating may be in order.

she looks just like her daddy.

forgive the not-so-flattering photo of my brother-in-law. but i can't get over the family resemblance.

my sister my hero.

i've always respected my little sister. more than i respect a lot of people. she's my best friend and my confidant. and now, she's a mom.

i was there to witness the transformation. i was there the second she became a mother. it was the same second tim became a father, i became an aunt and my mom took on a new name - grandma. i was there for the labor. and then post-epidural. for the napping and the excitement and the ice chips. and then i was there for the pushing. and the screaming. and cussing. and crying. and i saw the baby's head before anyone else did. and then, my little baby sister pushed hard enough that the head crowned. within seconds i could see the face - the face of my niece, half out of and half inside my sister's body. it was the most surreal, amazing thing i'd ever seen. i lost it then. the faucet of tears turned on a steady flow. i looked at my brother-in-law who was in a state of excited elation. he was crying, too. and my mom - wailing. the midwife turned the head slightly, and the baby opened it's eyes. and then, in an instant, little baby girl was out and laying on my sister's chest.

i will never forget what it felt like to be there. i am so completely honored that i got to watch my sister, my best friend, deliver her first child. a healthy child that weighed in at 6 pounds 9.5 ounces. the most beautiful baby i've ever seen.

i'm an aunt.

happenings are happening.

i've been surfacy lately. here. and maybe in other places. like at work. i don't want to be like that. fake, shallow and smile-forcing. that's so not me. so, i'm stopping. right now.

lately, i've been doing a lot of thinking. i'm trying to find a new church. i haven't talked about god much on here in the last year. or really, ever. but he is very real in my life and a church i went to before dissapointed me. not the people that went there so much as the church's narrow view of who god is for. i wanted to find a church that was more real. more in-tune with society. more socially and politically aware. more me. more jesus. more loving and kind. and one that did not refer to non-christians as peagans. because that word is, in my opinion, full of hate. so i left that church a few years ago. and when that happened, i lost a lot of friends. that part sucked.

i miss my old friends. i miss small group and fellowship and deep, spiritual conversations. but, i'm looking for a place that feels more like home. i read 'blue like jazz' by donald miller and it changed my life. changed it. from the bottom up. for so long, i didn't understand what it meant to really love god. like love him. really and truly. with every ounce of my being. there is this quote from miller's book that says, "i never liked jazz music because jazz music doesn't resolve. but sometimes, you have to watch somebody love something before you can love it yourself...i used to not like God because God didn't resolve. but that was before any of this happened." it talks about how he was walking and he saw a jazz musician playing and he saw the passion in the jazz player. he saw that the musician loved what he was doing. and through that, miller appreciated it - and grew to love it, too. i think i had god misrepresented to me for so many years that i didn't know what loving him meant. it used to mean doing it because other people told me to. it meant going to church because it was right and people would wonder where i was if i didn't show up. it meant working with the youth because i needed to serve somewhere. it meant inviting people to church because they needed to know jesus - not because i loved them.

now, it means something different. and so i'm looking. i've found three churches i like. i'm trying to figure out which one mostly aligns to they way i feel god is calling me to be. and that way is about being real. not being a hypocrite. being honest and just and loving. and giving myself to people. because if i don't give myselft, what am i able to give?

so that's something i've been dealing with lately. that and eating ridiculous amounts of "natural" doritos white cheddar corn chips. some things never change.

tomorrow

i am going to be an aunt.

december 3. funny that date was my due date. i was early.

yay to being an aunt.