happenings are happening.

i've been surfacy lately. here. and maybe in other places. like at work. i don't want to be like that. fake, shallow and smile-forcing. that's so not me. so, i'm stopping. right now.

lately, i've been doing a lot of thinking. i'm trying to find a new church. i haven't talked about god much on here in the last year. or really, ever. but he is very real in my life and a church i went to before dissapointed me. not the people that went there so much as the church's narrow view of who god is for. i wanted to find a church that was more real. more in-tune with society. more socially and politically aware. more me. more jesus. more loving and kind. and one that did not refer to non-christians as peagans. because that word is, in my opinion, full of hate. so i left that church a few years ago. and when that happened, i lost a lot of friends. that part sucked.

i miss my old friends. i miss small group and fellowship and deep, spiritual conversations. but, i'm looking for a place that feels more like home. i read 'blue like jazz' by donald miller and it changed my life. changed it. from the bottom up. for so long, i didn't understand what it meant to really love god. like love him. really and truly. with every ounce of my being. there is this quote from miller's book that says, "i never liked jazz music because jazz music doesn't resolve. but sometimes, you have to watch somebody love something before you can love it yourself...i used to not like God because God didn't resolve. but that was before any of this happened." it talks about how he was walking and he saw a jazz musician playing and he saw the passion in the jazz player. he saw that the musician loved what he was doing. and through that, miller appreciated it - and grew to love it, too. i think i had god misrepresented to me for so many years that i didn't know what loving him meant. it used to mean doing it because other people told me to. it meant going to church because it was right and people would wonder where i was if i didn't show up. it meant working with the youth because i needed to serve somewhere. it meant inviting people to church because they needed to know jesus - not because i loved them.

now, it means something different. and so i'm looking. i've found three churches i like. i'm trying to figure out which one mostly aligns to they way i feel god is calling me to be. and that way is about being real. not being a hypocrite. being honest and just and loving. and giving myself to people. because if i don't give myselft, what am i able to give?

so that's something i've been dealing with lately. that and eating ridiculous amounts of "natural" doritos white cheddar corn chips. some things never change.