they pay to kiss your feet

since there's no one else around, we let our hair grow long and forget all we used to know. then our skin gets thicker from living out in the snow.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

growing up.

i drove down my old street yesterday. the one i grew up on. the one whose sidewalk cracks i memorized. the one i could walk blindfolded.

and i saw an old neighbor in their yard. i remembered her at 29 or 30. when she moved in with her two young girls and a boy in her womb. i remember being 6 and thinking she was beautiful and perfect. as i drove closer, i was, for some reason, shocked that she was a little more hunched over, a lot more gray and that her house had fallen slightly apart. i guess i expected time to have frozen. and for her yard to still butt perfectly up against a driveway with no cracks.

and then i stopped and looked at my hands on the steering wheel. and for the first time, i thought they looked just like my mom's hands - the way i remember them years ago. when i was in the backseat being driven to piano practice or to voice lessons.

and suddenly, out of nowhere, this deep sadness overtook me. i think maybe because i realized that i am now the one moving into the house. my parents are the ones who can, no longer, care for theirs. and this circle of life continues pushing forward and around and back to the place where we started and where it ends and where, for others, it changes form or color. and for me, where it looks so familiar, yet completely different, all at the same time.

so i'm trying to embrace it. but something about it is absolutely shredding my heart.


  • At 1:53 PM, Anonymous Sarah St. said…

    I mourn my childhood a lot. I wrote a Christmas card to my parents, and I cried at how ridiculous it was that I was sending the people who raised me a card. And I wrote in it that I wished I was 9 and opening American Girl dolls for Christmas in our old house with my old cat and my young parents, and that we could all go sledding in the back yard afterward. I feel you so much. Although I'm very happy now, growing up sucks, and I don't ever think I'll know that childhood happiness again.

  • At 3:47 PM, Anonymous Jim said…

    Wow, you hit home with this one. especially around the holidays getting older sucks. Christmas was such an incredible time as a kid. You just can't seem to capture that feeling as an adult. having kids helps, seeing them enjoy the season is nice, but to the same. I try to tell my kids to enjoy their childhood, it will be gone before you know it

  • At 3:57 PM, Blogger FletcherDodge said…

    "So you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking
    Racing around to come up behind you again.

    The sun is the same in a relative way but you're older,
    Shorter of breath and one day closer to death."

  • At 5:16 PM, Blogger Linda said…

    Just discovered your blog, thanks to a link from TKC (which you'd be surprised to know an ancient average person such as myself follows). Anyway, I am enjoying your writing and your thoughts and if you don't object to old people following you, I will. If the snow ever melts perhaps I'll head to the other end of the street and say hello.


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