they pay to kiss your feet

since there's no one else around, we let our hair grow long and forget all we used to know. then our skin gets thicker from living out in the snow.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

the one i didn't want to write.

yesterday, i did something i try never to do. i got on a scale. looking at the number in disbelief began a series of events that warrant some closer looks.

first, the panic set in. my stomach dropped to the floor. everything around me felt busy and out of place. i got light-headed, sat down and then began to have an anxiety attack. that's when i called my sister. she talked some sense into me. reminded me that weight can fluctuate up to five pounds. told me that doctor's-type scales usually weigh heavier. promised me i look the same as i always have. but then she said, "i know how you feel though. if i was on medication that was making me gain weight, i'd freak out, too." she gets me.

see, the weight gain, insignificant as it may be, made me feel inadequate. out of control. like a failure. stepping on that scale was like leaping back into my high school, eating disorder-ridden body. the body that lived with a mind that thought self-worth was based on numbers. like grades. weight. and gpa.

i began my battle with body image at 12. but since last summer, i'd really come a long way. like for once, i felt pretty. and for the first time ever -- desirable.

but here's the thing, i hear people all day long commenting on other people. "have you seen so and so, she's gotten huge." or "wow, so and so has really been packing it on." and "what happened to so and so? she blew up."

and while on the inside i'm like, geez, that person must be insecure if they have to constantly comment on somebody else's inadequacies, i still am thinking, "gosh, is that what people are saying about me behind my back?"

and anyway, yeah.


  • At 7:24 PM, Blogger Molly Jane said…

    I can tell you in all honesty that Betsy and I whisper as you pass about how adorable you always look. For serious.

  • At 2:01 PM, Blogger Bee said…


    You always look so freaking cute!

  • At 10:30 AM, Blogger Faith said…

    This makes no sense. I thought you worked in an office with adult professionals? What you described as happening (hearing people commenting all day long about how fat certain people have gotten)...really? Is that happening? I can't imagine.

    If you're exaggerating for the sake of the post, I can understand that.

    But if not, just realize that isn't the norm. And people who look at other people and judge them for gaining weight (or for any other reason, for that matter! Unless they're over 40 and are wearing inappropriately-lengthed skirts to the office, of course) need to take a moment to check themselves. Because that's not cool.

  • At 3:57 PM, Blogger Spyder said…

    You are a beautiful woman. What men, women, and the sales industry has done to us is a crime, a sin. We are so stressed over weight that most of us can even attain a reasonable one. Be wealthy, be happy.


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