missing her.

i'm getting married two months from today.

we're having a tiny wedding. just immediate family. nothing fancy. no reception. but i've already told you this.

B is inviting his best friend.

when i was married before, i had this one friend that i always wished had been in my wedding. except i didn't know her on that wedding day. but still, we were so close. and it just seemed odd that she hadn't been a part of that day.

now, years later, she won't be a part of this day either. and while i seldom think of her. she's been crossing my mind a lot now.

and it sucks.

at church, we've been working through a series on forgiveness. and how forgiving people is not the same as forgetting what they did to hurt you. it's not the same as letting them back into your life. it's about setting healthy boundaries. it's working through the pain and acknowledging it.

and B and i are doing some pre-marital counseling with our pastor. and we're working through the baggage that our lives have given us up until now. the unhealthy ways of seeing things. lies we believe. pain. and the goal is to drop those bags at the door of the church on April 10. and to move into this new life together in the most healthy, loving way that we can.

and still, still, there is going to be a little part of me that wants to look back into the pews. while i'm standing there. in my white dress and my blue shoes. next to the love of my life. with God as our witness. with love in our hearts and hope in our eyes. and i'll want her to be there.

so yes, i miss her. despite the hurt and the pain and the questions. i miss her like crazy. and two months from today, well, i'll miss her then, too.