neglect.
i've been neglecting my blog. and maybe, just maybe, i've been neglecting my thoughts. and the way i process and sort and deal with things. because i haven't been writing - for me. see, i've been busy. (as busy as you can be without a job, i guess.)
i've interviewed at a company for a third time. i've planned a going away party for my brother and sister-in-law who are moving to israel - in a few weeks. i gave the party. i hosted a good friend of b's from san fransisco in our guest room for five days. we wined and dined and dined and breakfasted and wined and drank coffee.
and i've been spending time with my brother. as much time as i possibly can. because who knows when the next time i'll see him will be. sure we'll skype. but it won't be the same.
so i've been neglecting this. this blog. this public journal. and with it, i've been forgetting to process emotions. ones that are sorta starting to bubble to the surface. like the emotion that manifests as a mixture of fear and urgency. the one that says, "i want a job. i want the RIGHT job. i want a good company and good coworkers. and i also don't want to be too selective because this economy sucks. but i really WOULD like the job i've been interviewing for. but did they like me? do they think i'm enough?"
and then the emotion that joins fear and worry and loss about my brother, my little brother, moving to israel. for good. and it's not just far away because the time zones are eight hours apart. no, it's far because it's another world there. one where he has to worry about life and death on a daily basis. and i'll be here on this side, worrying with him. and if it's not worry, it's prayer and faith and just really wanting to see him again -soon.
so today we went to the park. me and him and our sister. and we pushed our niece on the baby swing while we took turns on the big one. and for a moment, it was all as it should be. we were together. laughing. playing. reliving our childhood. our minds were free of worry. and we were connected in a way that only siblings can be.
i'm going to miss that.
i've interviewed at a company for a third time. i've planned a going away party for my brother and sister-in-law who are moving to israel - in a few weeks. i gave the party. i hosted a good friend of b's from san fransisco in our guest room for five days. we wined and dined and dined and breakfasted and wined and drank coffee.
and i've been spending time with my brother. as much time as i possibly can. because who knows when the next time i'll see him will be. sure we'll skype. but it won't be the same.
so i've been neglecting this. this blog. this public journal. and with it, i've been forgetting to process emotions. ones that are sorta starting to bubble to the surface. like the emotion that manifests as a mixture of fear and urgency. the one that says, "i want a job. i want the RIGHT job. i want a good company and good coworkers. and i also don't want to be too selective because this economy sucks. but i really WOULD like the job i've been interviewing for. but did they like me? do they think i'm enough?"
and then the emotion that joins fear and worry and loss about my brother, my little brother, moving to israel. for good. and it's not just far away because the time zones are eight hours apart. no, it's far because it's another world there. one where he has to worry about life and death on a daily basis. and i'll be here on this side, worrying with him. and if it's not worry, it's prayer and faith and just really wanting to see him again -soon.
so today we went to the park. me and him and our sister. and we pushed our niece on the baby swing while we took turns on the big one. and for a moment, it was all as it should be. we were together. laughing. playing. reliving our childhood. our minds were free of worry. and we were connected in a way that only siblings can be.
i'm going to miss that.
posted by Pensive Girl @ 9:18 PM
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