white lies.

the day i realized not everything that comes out of my mother's mouth is true, i had just told a co-worker to spit a strawberry out of their mouth. because it had some of the leaves attached. and didn't they know that strawberry leaves were poisonous? i said this at a company team-building event. surrounded by about 25 people who all looked at me and sighed. "what? my mom told me that," i replied to their dropped jaws.

and then, this light bulb went off. shining illuminating truth straight out of their jaws and into my mind. right then, at 25, i realized that my mom told me the thing about the leaves so that i wouldn't eat them. i was 3 or 4 and she instilled the fear of god. right then and there. little did she know, i'd been afraid of strawberries ever since.

i called my sister.

"hey, did mom tell you strawberry leaves are poisonous."

- "yeah, they are, right?"

and then, i broke the news.

"no! mom was LYING to us. they aren't poisonous at all. in fact, if you wanted to, you could eat an entire strawberry - leaves and all."

and then, we started to wonder what else we'd falsy believed for most of our lives.

i have a feeling we may never know.

home.

so you know the feeling when you know you are where you are supposed to be? i've been feeling that a lot lately. and, um, not so much in my past life. like i always would feel down or sad like something huge was missing - like i wasn't home. for example, if i would have a freak out cry session, i'd maybe, yearn for this place i knew as home, although, i never even knew where that was. but now i do.

i am finally home.

and tonight, tonight was perfect. here's how it went:

i tried sparkling things on my finger !!! (note the three exclamation points.)
i ate sushi. i drank savignon blanc. i walked 2 miles in the surprisingly humid-free air and drank another glass of sav blanc at a french restaurant. then, i walked back in the rain. and had amazing, deep conversation. the kind that made me cry. in the rain. in b's arms.

and then, i arrived home. to my house. the place where, in the morning, i trimmed the hedges and did lawn work. and i didn't mind. because the lawn is mine.

and anyway. tomorrow, i see connor oberst. i love this weekend.

facts.

i ran outside today. at 5:15. during the excessive heat warning. i went 3.75 miles. it felt like 12. i carried water with me. i didn't stop sweating until an hour after i got home. i still feel yucky from it. it was a stupid thing to do.

sushi and shorts.

i've been having sushi for lunch a lot lately. i've taken a huge liking to the rainbow roll at dean & deluca. and the one at whole foods. the problem is that they are over $8 after tax. that's sorta steep for a one-roll lunch.

anyway, tonight i put on some shorts i haven't worn since i was a sophomore in college. back after i gained the "freshman 15" or in my case, the freshman 22. and they were huge. but for some reason, i had convinced myself they'd be tight.

what is wrong with me?

perfect.

i got home from work today and decided that it was way too hot/humid to run. so i walked. 3miles. with water in-hand. and i was wearing grey. which, let me just tell you, was the wrong color to wear. because like two seconds into it, i had sweat rings. and by the time i was finished, i was drenched. nice, right? and very pretty i'm sure.

then, when B got home, he fixed the spigot and asked me to water before it got dark. and just as i was really getting into the episode of "hitched or ditched" that i was watching, the sky opened up and it started to rain. well, pour. and anyway, i didn't have to water. and i got to watch the end of my guilty pleasure show. and all was right in the world.

sigh.

soft spots.

i'm listening to the bright eyes station on lastfm. and i love it. really, really love it. because it's the sort of music that i lose myself in. and put on repeat. again and again. because the words speak to the deepest part of me. and when manchester orchestra comes on, i sing "hallelujah to the one that i love" with them.

and on the way to work, i was listening to iron and wine sing 'woman king' and realizing that there was sort of a point where i could no longer do anything right. no matter how hard i tried. or how well i did. or how funny i was. it was as if i was running into a brick wall. again and again and again and the bruises haven't completely faded. because scars that deep take time. but hey, i'm breathing and learning and loving and at night, i have this amazing man to come home to. and life is good. despite the bruising.

haunted.

the worst birthday dinner of my life was at o'douds. i think i was turning 23. my parents, on the heels of their divorce, both came. and we crammed into this dark corner and pretended to be happy. but we weren't. my mom wouldn't look anywhere other than the wall. we all probably drank more than we should have. i was having issues at home, too. and anyway, it was hard. really, really hard.

last night, we sat in the same corner. and i couldn't even eat. i ordered a small salad and just kind of picked at it. and then i got mad a B for something he didn't even do. and i probably wasn't great company. and it was father's day. so i should have been better, happier, funnier and hungrier.

but i wasn't.

i don't think i ever want to go back there. it's too full of ghosts.

at last.

b's in the bathroom. i hear, "ah, ha! i found them. i found my manpreeeees."

that's right. those would be shants. as in shorts that aren't quite pants. but anyway, he finally found them. after two weeks of looking and having to wear his old 'yard-work shorts.'

good thing, too. those shants weren't cheap.

have i mentioned how much i love this man? because i do.

the verdict.

i just took the "which crazy biatch are you" quiz on facebook. the result? i'm sylvia plath.

kind of funny, no?

in a dark, morbid way.

lyrically mistaken.

I've never claimed to be really good at deciphering song lyrics. For example, in fifth grade, I thought Ace of Base's "All that she wants" contained the lyrics, "All that she wants is an elevator." When really, all she wanted was another baby.

So I've been listening to Fionne Regan lately. And there is a lyric that I thought said, "Send out an Italian to find her." Only, what it is really saying is, "Send out a battalion to find her." Which makes a lot more sense. Unless it's a battalion of Italians. Which it isn't.

So, there you go.

i just want you to know.

that i did NOT have a good day.

it consisted of data entry, tears, data entry, lunch, some light at the end of the tunnel, stomach pains, data entry, drive home through rush hour, almost choking to death on some chicken, freaking out, tears, cramps.

okay. did you get that?

today i had cramps AND did data entry. AND i literally almost choked to death on a piece of chicken.

i've done this choking thing before. when i was 15. i had to give myself the Heimlich. no joke. ask my mom. the huge piece of chicken flew out of my mouth and landed in her purse (we were driving.) we saved it to show my dad proof that i had almost died/needed sympathy.

tonight, almost exactly 15 years later (whoa, i'm turning 30 soon,) i was rushing around after work. unpacking. dragging boxes to the garage. reorganizing crap from childhood. running (i ran in this heat.) and in between unpacking, reorganizing, telling B about data entry and arranging to switch cars with my dad tomorrow so that i can fit the new dining room table into a car, i choked. on some of b's chicken. in the new kitchen. the one that makes me feel so full of joy and peace and i know, it sounds like a religious experience. but it's so bright and beautiful. and organized. but as i stood there, broken-down box in one hand, and chicken in the other. i choked.

and now, my throat feels funny and i'm afraid to eat.

i hated today.

packed.

we're swimming in cardboard. boxes in all shapes and sizes. filled with styrofoam and shredded paper and bubble wrap. a playground for the cat that slowly makes its way to the garage - that's stuffed full of bikes and that dresser and two identical shelves that we need to sell. soon. because the rest of these boxes need to go somewhere.

so.

so i get a contract job. read: i'm a contractor. and i fall off the face of the earth. or at least off the face of social media. sorry.

but i can't really do anything other than work, work, work during the day.

ok. and now i'm off to celebrate the weekend with my B in our new house. peace.

this just in.

the neighbors here are great. GREAT. great and nice and sweet and lovely. i was on a run yesterday and a man actually stopped as i passed him and tipped his hat to me. what? yeah. then i was on a walk with kolby yesterday and this woman came out of her house, plopped down in her yard and just started talking to me about how the weeds won. i told her mine did, too. did you read that right? i have weeds. (plural as in weeds: nuisance, overtakers, annoying, ugly.) anyway. i have them. in my garden. in MY garden. mine.

okay, and then b was just telling me about this really friendly black cat that was outside. and how he pet him, but didn't let him come up to him too much, because he didn't want puja to get jealous. and let me just tell you, puja and kolby are in hog heaven here. like, laying next to each other by the cold air vent heaven. hanging out on the same chair heaven. looking into the yard heaven. having space heaven.

we like it, too. obviously.

unsettled.

the cat is freaking out. kolby is loving his yard but having trouble navigating how to get down the steep wood stairs. we are exhausted after an all-day move and then a 60th birthday party. but we are here. tomorrow, i must find all of my business casual clothes because that is the dress code at my new job. i sorta haven't had to wear that dress code in years. which means i don't have enough to get me through. which means a shopping trip is in order. fingers crossed i can still fit into what i do have. i've been feeling larger and more in charge as of late. which may all be in my head. but still.

anyway, time to sleep to the sounds of a new-to-us house.

good night.

perfect timing.

today, i got a job.
:)

it's a contract job. but it's writing. at a really good company. doing all their internal Web stuff. and it pays well. and there are benefits. hooray.

p.s. i start monday.

and, exhale.

i'm listening to my ipod on shuffle as i cut vegetables for roasting. turnips, cauliflower, red pepper, red onion, garlic, grape tomatoes. you get the picture. and the songs are on shuffle and they're coming in at a strange but perfect order. all about god. all of them. and then, my favorite bright eyes song plays. and the lyrics resonate with me now more than ever.

"...and if you swear that there's no truth and who cares, how come you say it like you're right? why are you scared to dream of god when it's salvation that you want...she takes a small silver wreath and pinned it onto me, she said this one will bring you love. and i don't know if it's true, but i keep it for good luck."

first look.

the fireplace. notice the sconces. they go around the room. and the nautical ship theme. it shows up in that thing above the mantel and between each sconce. interesting.


below, you see the built-in in the breakfast nook. love it.

the attic is partially finished, holding a huge master bathroom with built-in dressers and a skylight :)

i'm really excited about all of the built-ins. here we have built-ins and a laundry shoot in the downstairs hall. the open door goes into the office.

one side of the kitchen. i love the colors and the cabinets! plus, all of the appliances are stainless steel and are professional series. yes!


one of my favorite features of the house is the arched doorways. i just love this view from the dining room toward the front door.

and...the patio! this shot was taken from the screened porch.

.
once we get settled/unpack/move our furniture in, i'll post more.

things that happen due to unemployment #2,467.

most days, i wear two outfits. they consist of:
1. green workout shorts and a tank
2. khaki shorts and a T-shirt

i only switch out of the workout shorts if i actually worked out in them, got them sweaty and need to make them smell better/appear more sanitary. because of this, i've greatly reduced the number things that i once thought were necessary wardrobe items. i went from thinking i needed at least four pair of great looking jeans to realizing just one pair is okay since i will probably only put them on once a month. i've gone from living in heels to only wearing flip-flops and running shoes. i no longer need a bra for the right shirt, because a sportsbra does just fine. i wear my hair in pigtails, use minimal makeup and sometimes skip a day of washing my hair because, hey, less shampoo usage means more money in my wallet.

but there's a slight problem with this. i'm packing my wardrobe now. and the pile of "clothes for goodwill" was much larger this time than on any other move. because there's this little part of my brain that forgot that i'll need to wear that uncomfortable skirt again one day. and for like half a second i spaced that those jeans, the ones i haven't put on for three months, are going to come in handy when i get a new job.

but still, the day-to-day wardrobe selecting bit is simple. so simple that, on my daily walks with kolby dressed in my green shorts and grey tank, i start to wonder what people must think. "oh, that poor girl, she only has one outfit." or "omg, i can't believe she wore that twice in a row."

but then i think, screw them. unless of course they want to give me a job.