WAKE UP.

this morning, i was rudely jarred from sleep at 5 a.m. thanks to the all-building fire alarm episode, i trudged outside in my pajamas topped with a coat and hat. which is when i was told a pipe burst near the front door. it was spilling water like a waterfall. water that smelled like gas. because, the fire department said, it had been in the pipe since the building was built. this seemed odd to me. but whatever.

it was cold and kolby was shaking so he, b and i sat in my car. from approximately 5:30 a.m. to 6:30 a.m. when we were told we could go back inside. they did not learn how to turn the alarm off, however, until 6:50 a.m.

i am SO tired today.

looking up.

the shortest day of the year came and went without me even noticing until the end. this is a big deal. because typically, the shorter the day, the more depressed i am. today was a happy day.

welcome, more sunlight. welcome.

oh, to play in the sandbox.

pensive girl. circa 1981ish.

in which i use this as a forum for ranting.

i am so over the snow. i tried to tell myself i'd be fine wearing my new suede boots in this weather. but i didn't know i would run out of wiper fluid while driving on the highway. i didn't know i'd try two places before i could find any. i didn't know i'd be trecking through motor oil-filled parking lots. standing in slushy nastiness. and getting car grease all over my fingers.

and i am so over the mixx. every time i go, i end up spending over $11 for a salad. yesterday was no exception. i always get mine to-go with the dressing on the side. yesterday, i got a side of ranch and one of blue cheese. i ate the ranch yesterday and only opened the blue cheese dressing for a taste. it seemed really thick and had some lettuce or something in it, but i thought maybe they were trying a new recipe.

last night, on my way home from work, my stomach didn't feel right. and, tmi maybe, but i ended up in the bathroom for awhile. i figured it was the combo of pork rinds and bacon from the night before.

today, after trecking around the city in search of washer fluid, visiting the most gangster commerce bank every (it has bullet proof glass and a parking lot security guard,) i was hungry. so i opened up my leftover salad to consume. i thought it was strange that the bottom of the plastic "side" cup of blue cheese dressing had completely cracked and leaked everywhere. but figured maybe i dropped the salad and forgot? that's when i took a taste of the dressing by itself. it was pure putrid. like i'm sorta convinced it was a cup of garbage from last month. even worse, it had leaked all over my salad. so i only got a few bites before i wanted to hurl. and the cracked cup? i'm blaming that on the acidity of the "dressing" they gave me. it burned my mouth, people!


okay, i'm done now.

okay, this is infuriating.

how can something like this happen?

reflecting holiday spirit.

the other white meat.

anyone want to buy me this bacon scarf?

for the record

i just need to say that sunday, when i took kolby out to potty in the morning, it was 68 degrees. then, when i left church, it was 40 degrees. then, by that night it was 8 degrees and snowing.

and also for the record books, yesterday i consumed pork in several different forms. two of which include pork rinds and bacon.

okay then.

goats.

instead of getting each other something for christmas this year, B and i decided to give goats. to a family in rwanda.

something rings really true about how giving is much better than receiving. probably because, according to paul, jesus said it all the time.

we did decorate christmas cookies tonight though.

i make a terrible girl.

i can't even properly paint my fingernails. it's like a little mouse came up to me in the night and nibbled off the color in only the most obvious places.

i also never wait the appropriate amount of time for the polish to dry before i attempt to do something like put my hand in my pocket.

fun.

junk.

so, i'm brushing my teeth. and i'm at the point where the sonic care is telling me i'm almost done. i just have to leave the brush on my back molar for a few more seconds. and i'm standing there, looking in the mirror. at my bed head and torn pajama shirt and my ugly pajama pants and at the spot on my face i notice too often and that eyebrow hair i needed to pluck and then it hit me - we all have junk. not physical "things" that are junk...although we have that, too. but i'm talking hidden, ugly, inside ourselves shit. that we only let a few "lucky" people see. ever.

and i don't know what it is about me, but i know a lot of people's junk. i mean their inner-most, darkest secret. the one their husband doesn't even know. the one their co-workers would never suspect. the thing that haunts them, reminding them how human they are, how breakable and sinful and imperfect.

this junk is heavy stuff. and i know it all. and here's the thing, these people, the ones who trusted me with their junk and baggage and dirty footprints, well, they don't call me "friend" anymore. interesting, right? i mean, at one point, they're telling me things that i'd only seen on lifetime television for women and then a few years later, when i start to have some junk of my own, they disappear. just. like. that.

and while i can't sit next to them or laugh with them or go shopping or to dinner or watch a movie or anything like that, i still know their junk.

and honestly, i don't know how someone can confide so many things in one person, trust them explicitly with details on the state of their marriage, their addictions, their past lovers -- their box full of junk, and then just cut all ties. you know? how could i have hurt them that much?

and when i did hurt them...even indirectly...did i just add to their pile of junk? or was it that they had too much junk that they could not bare to add one more piece?

today.

uh, i don't feel so good. i woke up with a headache and then took some sinus medication, which made me feel slightly better. that would be good if it didn't pretty much prove that i have something wrong with my sinus. (is plural sinus written: sini?) it should be.

my neck is starting to hurt, too. and it's snowing outside. blowing snow. yesterday it was 61 degrees when i went to bed. no joke. suffice it to say, i'm really loving missouri right now. i guess it's good i'll be jet-setting to LA in a few weeks. california, here i come.

but back to today. i really want to work out. and i know the general rule is if it's above your neck, you can work out. if the sickness is below your neck, you should rest. my sini are above my neck. so according to that sage wisdom my trainer friend told me years ago, i should be fine, right?

uh huh.

oh other great debates in my head consist of:
1. should i find a new dress for the holiday party or wear one i already have.
and
2. if you walk into a stinky public restroom and then realize it's yucky, change your plan and leave... do you smell like the bathroom? you know, like if you go into a restaurant you smell like the food. so, like yesterday, for example, i walked into the bathroom and it was STINKY...so i left. but when i walked down the hall, did people wonder, "hmmm why does it all of a sudden smell like diarrhea in here?"

this

is beautiful

kids' expressions while playing video games.

speechless.

brick.

i'm floating it seems
between forever and yesterday
above ice
below snow
and right past that place
where i remember what it was like to be

alone.

and it's the memory
of those caverns of darkness and despair
and the other terrible adjectives that could describe
a room so empty it echoes to itself.

it's that memory -- that one --
that haunts me still
whispering lies,
tickling my neck with its
b
a
n
t
e
r

taking my stomach back to the knots it once knew
the ones it so desperately tried to untangle with things like
music and food
or not.
and anyway, my stomach no longer has room for things like that
because it's wrapped in grace
and in the soft sweater of serenity

and it's full of the fluffiest down comforter
so when the knots come
they don't recognize the hollow they once inhabited
and when the fall with the force of a
BRICK
down deep where i bury them,
the cushioning lessens their impact
reminding me that i can choose to let them set up camp...
or to send them on their way
to find some other stomach to call home.

blah.

watching mu get killed right now, so i figured blogging would be a good 'escape.' so, hi. last night, b and i ate at carmen's. the fun game to play there is to stay longer than they want you to. they try to turn tables very quickly...but if you play the game just right, they'll leave you be. we stayed well past our chicken spidini and salads. ha. then, we went to the phoenix. did you know it re-opened under new management last friday? was exhausted but still loved it there.

today was a lazy saturday. slept until 9. did the bootcamp, butt-kicking class at the gym (for the THIRD time this week.) watched the KU game. watched a scary documentary type show. went to cellar rat to purchase three bottles of good wine. ate leftover chicken spidini. and hey. that brings me to now. 41 to 7 oklahoma. i think i'll just call it a night.

only two months away...

in two months i will be there. literally. that will be my yard for 10 or so days. there. right there. in maui.

vandal.

so today i was at target over lunch. and i was looking at nail polish. see, there's a work christmas party coming up. and while i'm not for sure going, if i do show up, so will my toes. and they need some polish. so, i'm standing there, toiling over the colors. hating the fact that women must wear things like dresses and peep-toe shoes and manicured hands to events. anyway, usually at this point, i just open a bunch of colors and put a swipe on several nails to test the difference. but i had to go back to work and didn't want to look ridiculous. which is when i noticed that someone had taken the nail polishes and painted little swipes of color on the display that hangs from the shelf. "of course," i thought to myself. "what a great idea...it's even white so i can get a good idea of what color it will be on my hands!" so, i began marking. color after color. until i stopped suddenly and realized what i was doing.

oops.

update.

the pork rinds are nearly gone. they are good: dipped in mayo, dipped in humus, dipped in cream cheese, by themselves and heated up with cheddar cheese melted on top.

i am disgusting.

upon further consideration.

i like the pork rinds. and so does b.
we're obviously made for each other.

not kosher.

i have a confession. i bought pork rinds today. and on the way back to work to eat my salad, i stuffed two into my mouth. they were disgusting.

anyone want the rest of the bag?

thanksgiving thoughts.

1. thanksgiving was at my sister's this year. i still woke up at 7:30. to watch the parade.

2. i made B watch the parade with me. i felt all holidayish. he felt forced.

3. the big parade balloons don't impress me as much as they used to. i pretended they did, of course.

4. before clay aiken appears on live television, he needs a serious hair stylist.

5. speaking of hair stylists, my locks are getting too long for my taste.

6. but i'm too lazy to make an appointment to get them trimmed.

7. my sis and bro-in -law were not lazy on thanksgiving, however, and they put on quite the holiday.

8. i thought my green bean casserole was my best yet.

9. no one else said anything about it.

10. as a sign of my age, this thanksgiving, i was in bed by 8:30 p.m.

11. and on saturday night, after returning from seeing B's family in lawrence at 11 p.m., i was so tired i could even wake up for church in the morning.

12. what is happening to me?