spew.

i feel like i'm in this chasm between who i was and who i'm becoming. and there's an increasing level of discomfort here. like i'm waiting for something to happen. for the heavens to open sending god's hand down to hold mine while he physically leads me to my next task. like he would a dog. that's sort of how i've been viewing god.

i think the part i forget is the faith part. it's about trying and failing and learning. and how sometimes no success is better than success because it teaches. and stretches. and molds you into this person who is mature and self-aware and focused and goal-driven and god-minded and anyway, i'd prefer if i could just go on a walk with god and he could tell me what i'm in for.

see, there are these deep, guttural yearning that god puts in us. to belong. to be accepted. to be loved. to have community. to have fulfilling relationships with people who build us up and affirm us and support us and who lovingly tell us when it seems we're walking off the path we want to stay on --- yearnings that when unfulfilled, leave empty pits in our very souls.

but people aren't perfect. they've let me down. i'm learning to trust again. and i'm realizing that no love can be as perfect as god's love, and anyway i've been spending too much time mulling over lostness. lost friends. lost relationships. lost possessions and hopes and dreams. and dogs.

and i have this anger toward people who don't care to know my side of the story. of why i'm here. of how i'm healing and growing and changing. of why i had to do what i did. and it's these people, these representations of god, who have failed me. and i've failed them, i suppose. and really, we just all need to stop failing each other.

so from now on, i refuse to let bitterness rob me of my joy.

i think i'll take a walk with god tonight.