i waited in the sun with my arms crossed. then, caught my reflection in the window and uncrossed them. i leaned on my right foot, then my left. i ran into a coworker who was going into the bank, too. he tried to talk to me, but i just kind of looked at him blankly and said, "i'm waiting."
i kept waiting. checking my car that was overstaying its welcome in the 15-minute parking space. because i was early. i'm always early.
it was hot in the sun, so i moved to the shade. and then it happened. the thing i was dreading. and no matter how calm and collected i pretended to be, my brain was being bombarded with these old feelings of inadequacy. which was awesome. and totally my fault in the moment. but still, awesome.
and anyway, i've learned a lot of things lately. like i don't need to change so that someone will love me. and i don't need to try to be someone i'm not. and you can't fit a square peg in a round hole. ever. and i've made decisions based on what i believe is true. and i've redefined truth. and i'm seeking and learning and growing and loving. and i've made big, adult purchases on my own without taking myself into the pits of debt. and i've been blessed with much. and i've been dealt much pain, too. in the form of illness. and spurts of anxiety and the kind of depression that isn't chronic, but that sneaks up in the quiet of a dark room that seems too empty for what you're used to.
and i've stuffed some feelings down deep. covered by glasses of wine, or a 6-mile run. but i'm slowly dealing with it all. and as i process, i realize how broken i really am. as a person. as a human. and how i have this place inside me, this yearning for something bigger than me. greater than me. for a purpose and a mission and for a stage on which to make a difference. and then, i remember grace. and what that means, and i smile. and tell myself i WILL make it to church on sunday. and i start to prioritize things like god. and spiritual matters.
so i sing to Him, these lyrics from ben folds. and for one of the first times, i think i really mean it.
"dreading the sea of a trouble mind, had to leave myself behind. if you wrote me off, i'd understand it. cause i've been on some other planet. so come pick me up, i've landed."