welcome to my head.

i was going to write a post about why i hated saint louis. about the traffic. and the congestion. and the lack of interesting things to do. but, i don't want to write that one. not today, at least.

instead i'm going to write about how much i'm hating certain parts of life right now. let's begin with exercise. i don't enjoy exercising when it's not running. i dread going to the gym. the elliptical is boring. it's hot and sticky and smelly in there and i have to look at people on the treadmills.

i'm really struggling with balancing food and exercise and life right now. it's because of this damn medication and it's really pissing me off. as if my issue wasn't bad enough, throwing weight gain and puffiness into the mix just makes it on the verge of unbearable. i know this seems dramatic. but, seriously.

i woke up at 4:30 a.m. in a fit of panic. i then stayed in bed until 7 with this gomez song stuck in my head feeling my anxiety increase and increase and increase.
i don't even like the gomez song. i've only heard it twice. but there it was. every. single. word. of. it.
in my head. for two and a half hours.

i need to workout tonight. but i'm exhausted. from the lack of sleep and the poisonous anxiety. and for lunch, i had sushi. and the rice was way more vinegary than normal. and now i'm afraid a flare will come on.

see, i live in this limbo between feeling good and feeling bad. there's no middle ground. it's day-to-day. and on the good days, it's hard to forget that bad days are coming.