and on the third day...

it's easter. and for the first time, i comprehend it. i understand the magnitude of what it means. of what god did for us. of how i can live because the tomb was empty. i never understood why i didn't cry when i saw 'the passion of the christ' or why i didn't get emotional on easter or any time someone reminded me of grace and love and what peace that surpasses all understanding really is. i never knew why i didn't ache when i saw depictions of my savior nailed to a wooden cross. bleeding. suffering. dying. what was wrong with me that it didn't touch me the way it did the person next to me or that man with his hands raised in the front pew? i understood the magnitude of it all -- the fact that if christ really didn't resurrect, nothing he said was true. that if he truly didn't beat death, he was nothing but a liar. that's why it's sort of a big deal to believe he did rise. he did beat death and he does live. still. so that i can, too.

i didn't get any easter candy this year. i didn't go to brunch. i didn't take a walk or do any other spring thing -- rituals i used to cling to on this day. instead, i went to church. and sitting there, sandwiched between two friends who are at very different places on their spiritual journey, in a church that is still somewhat unfamiliar, i felt the presence of god more so than ever before. and i cried - for the first time - when i thought about what the empty tomb really means.

contemplating it all, while on the elliptical after church, the lyrics from a deathcab for cutie song had new meaning. i've gone through a lot in the last year. i cling to the promises that i'll be taken care of.

all is full of love
lyrics by deathcab for cutie
you'll be given love
you'll be taken care of
you'll be given love
you have to trust it
maybe not from the sources you have poured yours
maybe not from the direction you are staring at
twist your head around
it's all around you
all is full of love
all around you
all is full of love
you just ain't receiving
all is full of love
your phone is off the hook
all is full of love
your doors are all shut
all is full of love
in any language
all is full of love......

i guess it reminds me of god's love being readily available. and how sometimes, i just refuse to receive it.

so, happy easter. happy third day.