today

when did this happen to me -
this ache.
the one that creeps up my throat
tightening it until
it forces tears
that i didn't know
were there beneath a surface that on most days
looks well-put-together
and sunny.

but not today.
today, i can't fake it.
because i can't stop the flow
of salt and water
and the way that it's forced me to remove my contacts
so early
and to wear my glasses
that make me feel clumsy and awkward
and like the child i was when i first got them.

today my eyes hurt
the whites are red
and the green isn't so sparkly.

today it hurts to exist.
and to think
and to remember
and to wonder how i'll ever
move this ache
to a place deep in the ground
where i can cover it with rocks and soil and seeds for grass
and rebirth and forgiveness and healing

i know i will someday
but not today.
today, i wear black.