they pay to kiss your feet

since there's no one else around, we let our hair grow long and forget all we used to know. then our skin gets thicker from living out in the snow.

Sunday, December 02, 2007

happenings are happening.

i've been surfacy lately. here. and maybe in other places. like at work. i don't want to be like that. fake, shallow and smile-forcing. that's so not me. so, i'm stopping. right now.

lately, i've been doing a lot of thinking. i'm trying to find a new church. i haven't talked about god much on here in the last year. or really, ever. but he is very real in my life and a church i went to before dissapointed me. not the people that went there so much as the church's narrow view of who god is for. i wanted to find a church that was more real. more in-tune with society. more socially and politically aware. more me. more jesus. more loving and kind. and one that did not refer to non-christians as peagans. because that word is, in my opinion, full of hate. so i left that church a few years ago. and when that happened, i lost a lot of friends. that part sucked.

i miss my old friends. i miss small group and fellowship and deep, spiritual conversations. but, i'm looking for a place that feels more like home. i read 'blue like jazz' by donald miller and it changed my life. changed it. from the bottom up. for so long, i didn't understand what it meant to really love god. like love him. really and truly. with every ounce of my being. there is this quote from miller's book that says, "i never liked jazz music because jazz music doesn't resolve. but sometimes, you have to watch somebody love something before you can love it yourself...i used to not like God because God didn't resolve. but that was before any of this happened." it talks about how he was walking and he saw a jazz musician playing and he saw the passion in the jazz player. he saw that the musician loved what he was doing. and through that, miller appreciated it - and grew to love it, too. i think i had god misrepresented to me for so many years that i didn't know what loving him meant. it used to mean doing it because other people told me to. it meant going to church because it was right and people would wonder where i was if i didn't show up. it meant working with the youth because i needed to serve somewhere. it meant inviting people to church because they needed to know jesus - not because i loved them.

now, it means something different. and so i'm looking. i've found three churches i like. i'm trying to figure out which one mostly aligns to they way i feel god is calling me to be. and that way is about being real. not being a hypocrite. being honest and just and loving. and giving myself to people. because if i don't give myselft, what am i able to give?

so that's something i've been dealing with lately. that and eating ridiculous amounts of "natural" doritos white cheddar corn chips. some things never change.


  • At 11:54 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    i understand where you're coming from in your post about religion. check these guys out:

    i've been a dozen or so times and it's amazing. their music is brilliant and from reading your blog, that would seem an important element to you.


  • At 7:29 AM, Blogger Lizzie said…

    Blue Like Jazz is a good book. I like Donald Miller's writing style too. Church shopping S-U-C-K-S in my opinion, but it is a necessary evil I suppose. Best of luck to you. I hope you find a good fit and I'm looking forward to hearing more from you about love as a motivation. I really like your perspective and style.

  • At 7:50 AM, Blogger Kat said…

    In my limited experience, I've found that no church totally aligns with my personal beliefs. My church, in particular, has let me down a great deal.

    I vented my frustration to a man I saw as very holy. His response to my anger over my church's view on women, non-Christians, and those with different sexuality? "A church and its views are made by man--trying to understand God's will. Man is fallible. By extension, a church, too can be fallible. But God is perfect. So turn to Him when in doubt and learn to forgive the limitations of man and church."

    That's hard for me to do, but I think it's the only thing that keeps me from running--screaming--from just about any religious institution. I think everyone tries. Some get closer than others. Good luck finding a place that feels like home to you!

  • At 8:41 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    as i read your blog i think you and your friends might enjoy reading a new book just out: Brown Like Coffee. i found it at

  • At 2:51 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    just a thought... reading your back blogs. If it's not too far from your downtown loft, try Croos Points Church, Lackman and Shawnee Mission Parkway in Shawnee. Non-denominational, great worship, and scripture based.


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