the night and i

i don’t remember
how to sleep
through an entire night
eyes shut
fairytale dreams
occasional nightmare
unrest
nights sweat
alarm clock check
then
return to pillow
feathers
cotton flowers
ah

but not now
— this —
this is different
it’s constant
a pit
where it doesn’t belong
or feel right
it's space heaters
and dry air
it’s dark rooms
and nightlights
it’s constant trips
to the bathroom
or to the faucet
for water
quenching thirsts
that I ignore

it’s tossing
turning
changing
from flannel pants and thermal shirt
to shorts
T-shirt
strip warm socks
put on thin ones
it's adjusting pillows
constantly
it's checking the clock
twice in three minutes
and it’s sinking
this insomnia
this state of constant
struggle
to do something
as simple
as sleep.