they pay to kiss your feet

since there's no one else around, we let our hair grow long and forget all we used to know. then our skin gets thicker from living out in the snow.

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

all kinds of honesty.

remember when i said giving up running was easier than i thought it would be? i lied. i don't think i knew i was lying. but this week, it's becoming clear. giving up running is sort of equivalent to stabbing myself in the eye. every day as the clock strikes 6 p.m. and 11 a.m. on the weekends.

and it's sort of killing me.

see, for as long as i can remember i've had what others might call a vice. in high school, when i was stressed i didn't eat. in college, i drank away my anxiety. then, post college, i found a healthier way to deal with stress. running.

and i fell in love. because every day, i pushed myself farther and harder. it was a passion. i studied it. learned how to do it better. got friends involved. shared my love for it with the blog-reading world. paid money to do it in massive crowds down roads that stretched 13.1 miles. i ran through injuries. through pain. through snow and ice and sticky, thick humidity. and each time i finished, i felt a little more alive.

then there was the added bonus - it made me skinny. but not gross skinny. healthy skinny. and my metabolism went through the roof. so i could eat whatever i wanted to. i didn't have to worry about that any more. the 20 pounds i gained due to the drinking in college came off. i looked and felt better than i can ever remember feeling.

the last time i really ran was in the brew to brew. that was over a month ago. i've tried to replace it with hot yoga. and the elliptical. and lots of dog walks. but it's not exactly doing the same thing for me. i feel yucky. all the time. i keep looking at my body, swearing that it's gaining pounds and pounds of cellulite in place that used to be toned, firm and beautiful. i try on jeans and take them off again. i get depressed. so i just eat salads for a week. but that doesn't matter. why? because the medication i'm on slows your metabolism. great.

i'm struggling with this. a lot. and it's really hard.

9 Comments:

  • At 9:38 PM, Blogger emawkc said…

    Hmmm... Cycling maybe?

     
  • At 9:33 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Don't get mad, but I think you still have your eating disorder whether you want to admit it or not. it isn't normal to only eat sallad for a week because you can't run, and it isn't normal to obssess over the way jeans fit you. I know this has been a part of your life for a really long time so it might feel normal, but it isn't. You keep evolving your eating disorder, but not truly getting over it. It just seems to turn into other addictions. You can't see that your body has not changed at all and how beautiful you are. I can't tell you how freeing it is to truly let it all go and I think you should see someone and I want you to.
    Love, you know who.

     
  • At 9:56 AM, Blogger Pensive Girl said…

    hi. i thought about deleting this anonymous post. why? because i guess if someone seems to know me so well, and assumes i'm not seeing anyone for these issues, a name attached to a comment would be nice.

    but, this is an open forum. and i appreciate the concern.

    i am dealing with my ongoing issues in a healthy way. i just sometimes really need to vent. on here.

    i didn't eat salad for a week because i couldn't run. it was because i felt like i needed to do something healthy for my body. the salads were not just lettuce, mind you. they are full meals. with all food groups, covered in oil (since i can't eat vinigar.)

    and yeah, i'm going through some (read: a lot) of changes with my health and my habbits. so i struggle. the past comes back to sting me sometimes.

    but doesn't it everyone?

     
  • At 10:05 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I didn't know you were seeing someone. I am glad you are.

     
  • At 10:26 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I have been dealing with an eating disorder for four years and I am very awed and amazed at how honest you are about it. I could not do the same, but it helps others in the same position to know they are not the only one struggling on a daily basis with the same infuriating thoughts and fears. Although I have seen someone and I am the right track now, no one understands that it never gets easier so you simply must get stronger. Thanks for the honesty. And, just an fyi, a hot yoga/pilates combo is very effective.

     
  • At 10:32 AM, Blogger Pensive Girl said…

    hey, anon.

    it's important for me to be honest about it. i guess because when it all started (13 years ago), i thought i was so alone in it. now that i've "mostly" overcome it, except for the days it comes back to sting, it's easy for me to talk about.

    but in the thick of it, when i weighed 89 pounds, i was the last to admit i had a problem.

    thanks for the pilates/hot yoga tip :)

     
  • At 2:41 PM, Blogger Faith said…

    I've jumped on the pilates train as well. I only go Monday nights at the 24 Hour Fitness on Ward, but it's so fun! And I love it! And my sister has been doing pilates for over a year now, and she looks AMAZING. So I'm trying to be like her. :)

    My abs and ass hurt a lot lately, but it's a good hurt. You know what I mean? Dammit, I love the good hurtin'!

     
  • At 8:57 AM, Anonymous flowerparts@yahoo.com said…

    i only eat yogurt and fruit for lunch for a week (many weeks!) so i can try and fit in my skinny jeans (which aren't really all that skinny :) but a woman - obsessing about how a pair of jeans fit - uh..i don't think i could find a single one that DOESN'T obsess about that at times. duh!

    i think it's amazing how open you are about things on this blog...to me it seems like you're facing the challenges in your life head on. which is more than i can say for many people in this world (me included!)

     
  • At 9:23 AM, Blogger Pensive Girl said…

    faith, good luck with the pilates:) that's awesome.


    flowerparts, thank you. yeah, i think most women have times where they just can't wear a certain pair of jeans and it bugs them. that's not obsessing :)

     

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