shallow breaths.

i'm chewing juicy fruit gum and i'm thinking about who i am and how i got here. it's a lot of heavy thinking for a monday, so the gum is sweetening the deal a bit, i guess. yesterday at church, the sermon was about being in the wilderness. about how god took the israelites through the wilderness before they could reach the promise land. and about how often, god takes us to the absolute bottoms of ourselves so that he can meet with us and mold us. i've been at that bottom for a few years now. but, i don't think i knew at first. maybe i was too prideful. too boastfully "humble." i could admit my brokenness with my mouth, but not with my heart. but not now. now, my heart feels it. this brokenness. and it aches. most of the day. and it's crying out for change, for purpose, for the light at the end of this tunnel i'm swimming through. and it's scary, this place. but i know that the change it will bring will be glorifying to god and to the work he does in lives and so, i'm willing. i'm this vessel and i'm telling him to use me. mold me. shape me. like the potter shapes clay. unveil my eyes. let me see.

because really, this bottom is suffocating. and while i can sense his presence always. and i can see him changing me. i'd like to start climbing the long, tall stairway out. please.