another reason to kill me now.

so four weeks later, i am still sick. i have good days surrounded with bad days and very bad hours and some pretty uncomfortable nights. i went to a new doctor today. she was much more thorough, tested for lots of things and put me on MORE antibiotics. (side note: i'm firing my old doctor who told me i was better, didn't offer to culture my urine and said i should see a specialist if i was still having symptoms.) anyway, while i was at the new doctor, i felt better even though they said my urine still showed infection. (take that, old doctor!)

but now tonight, i'm miserable. i can't move. and i'm afraid it's in my kidneys. is it okay to cry now? i've been so good. so optimistic. i just feel like such a piece of work right now. i'm an emotional nightmare for my friends and family. i just want to feel well again. i've decided to not be a prisoner to this pesky illness, and so i've started running again. it usually makes me feel okay. better even. but not right now. right now i feel scared and alone. all because of a stupid bladder infection. one that has lasted a month. one that won't go away. one that is making me say, "oh my gosh, i've actually gone four hours without peeing." to complete strangers on good days.