and then things get real.

it's no secret that things have been messy in my world. or maybe it is. and if it is, here's the truth - my face is covered in mud and i can't seem to clean the shit out of the soles of my shoes. and my legs are dirty, too - covered in splatters of watered-down piss. it neither smells good nor looks attractive. but it's there, this mess. and it's real.

i can't smile through the pain and the fear and the overwhelming sadness. not now. not ever. but that doesn't mean that there aren't pockets of joy. because real joy comes from inside. it's not something that runs away when the nights get long and the days get hard. real joy is there eternally. and when i forget about it, it bubbles up slowly, whispering good things and promises. and sometimes - sometimes my ears listen.

but here's the thing, Internet. i am really sick of people looking at my face and my reactions and then judging me. and it hurts when people choose whether or not to be a friend based on how my life appears. that sucks. see, if i'm laughing, it's because something was funny. it doesn't mean i'm not hurting. or that i'm feeling great on the inside. laughter doesn't mean i'm unaffected. it just means i'm human. and that i am trying to remember how to feel. deeply. and with purpose and gusto and with all of the warm fuzziness of a baby bunny or that chick i hatched in first grade.

and when i weep - and i do weep - it's because i feel that, too. the ugliness and the sin and the dark cloud that covered a portion of my life.

and when i use words that make other people's noses turn up, words like i used at the begining of this post - it's because no other words do my life justice. that's the beauty of cuss words, really. when they are used too often, they grow meaningless and dull. but when used at the perfect moment, they pack a punch to the gut. and at these moments of deep, sorrowful feeling, they work.

but don't look at my face or my smile or the fact that i mustered the energy to get a haircut and assume that i'm floating somewhere on cloud 9. just know that i feel it all. and it all makes it hard to get out of bed in the morning - sometimes. those are the days when the anxiety and the temporary depression doesn't seem to be lifting. and while i love autumn - the way it is crisp and refreshing and colorful. it still means winter is close. and the nights are getting longer and the days, shorter. and really, i just wish the sun was shining today.