slow

blogger has been too slow. and so, i haven't had time to update. maybe i'll switch to typepad (can i say that here?)

i've also been too slow. at walking. at healing. at anything really. i tried to go wedding errand shopping with my bride-to-be sister today, and i was at least 80 feet behind her all day. i'm limping, gimping and hating it. so after the errand running, i broke down and got crutches. i had a bone scan last friday. while i was holding still for the 20 minute scan session, the radiology tech said "oh yeah, see that spot there, there is something going on. we'll be able to get you some answers soon." but, soon isn't soon enough. my doctor still has to review the "pictures" before letting me know what is really wrong with my foot, how long it will take to get better, and what i should be doing in the space between. ugh. so for now, i can't run, i can't walk, and i'm pretty much horrible to live with. at least i have a husband with patience. bless you, nick.

i don't know why i miss running so much. maybe because it became a part of me. something i did every day. something i practiced and got better at and felt good about. a healthy hobby, one that took me through each season and each stress, through heartache and rainbows and back down again into tunnels with light at the end. it was my cure-all. it was what i did. it was what i called myself. it is what i spent my money on. it was what i set goals around. it was when i talked to god and when i figured out just how much my body could take. it helped me know myself. it was part of me. and i'm having a hard time letting it go for a bit.

so, i'm slow. and i'm a little bit depressed about it. and i'm being honest, because the depression i feel about not being able to run makes me feel guilty as hell. last year, billy had is leg amputated. it's gone. he lost it. for good. yes, it took care of the cancer. yes, he is now cancer-free. but he lost is leg. and here i am, feeling sorry for myself because i have something wrong with my foot and it's temporary. and i hate it.