i've been having this dream lately where i get on a scale to weigh myself and realize i'd ballooned up to 188 pounds without knowing it. in the dream i'm always still wearing my normal jeans, but they're tight. really tight. and my mom always makes an appearance to say something like, "jessi, you are out of control. how did you get so heavy?"
that's weird right?
i mean, it's sort of psychotic.
sure, i haven't weighed myself in over a year because it is a flipping nightmare for me to be tied to a number on a scale. but suddenly, irrationally, i'm terrified of the mere idea of finding out how much i could weigh now.
honestly, i'm guessing i've put on a couple of pounds.
because i'm turning 32. i am getting older. i am not restricting my food intake in the way that i used to. which means, I AM BEING HEALTHY. and god forbid, i'd put on a few pounds and be up from the 117 pounds i've weighed SINCE I WAS 17. seriously. it's ridiculous.
why do i care? i want to be happy being whatever weight is healthy for me. which is why, when i was at the doctor's office the other day, i stepped on the scale backwards and told the nurse to say nothing to me about what the number said. and at the gym, i don't even look at the scale in the locker room as an option.
because i know better.
but still. even though i know better, i'm struggling.
i want to stop having this dream. this anxiety-filled nightmare. i want to grow up. i want to forget my eating disordered past for good. i have no reason to be tied to it anymore. but, wow, that's such a hard chapter to close.
so i am praying for strength.
and honesty.
here's the truth, which i know is SO HARD for someone with an eating disorder to see, but you should know that i am being 100% sincere:
ReplyDeleteyou are a beautiful lady. you are physically strong, lean, and if your behaviors are healthy, then you are right!! IT DOES NOT MATTER WHAT THE NUMBER ON THE SCALE SAYS. it just doesn't. it seems like you are trying to make a lot of steps toward being mentally and physically healthier. just ask for help when you need it. don't forget that people are rooting for you and standing by you. if there are people that aren't, then they probably aren't folks that you want in your corner. keep up the good (very difficult) work.
thanks, laura. that means a lot and was very helpful :)
ReplyDeleteJessi,
ReplyDeleteI need to talk to you... I know it's been a couple years... I'm not sure how many. I don't know how the divorce happened, and I don't care. So much has happened in the last few years... And although I'm sure my side of the family wouldn't advise it, I need your advice. And I don't care what they say or they think, because they don't care what anyone else says or thinks. And I miss you as my cousin.
Stephanie Withrow
I'm sorry if this is bad timing, and if you don't want to talk to me, that's fine.