they pay to kiss your feet

since there's no one else around, we let our hair grow long and forget all we used to know. then our skin gets thicker from living out in the snow.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Things fall apart.

Things fall apart. They just do. And we can choose to either move on or to fall apart with them. I think a great deal of this choice is made subconsciously — somewhere in our minds where we store our innermost thoughts, the ones that are fleeting and freeing and sometimes even unworthy. It’s the same place, I think, where much of our strength is kept. The amount of time we spent stewing on a fleeting thought is stored there, too. If we choose to move on, we mustn’t forget that it’s not the same as forgetting. It’s just getting through, piece by piece, hour by hour. When moving on begins to callus a heart maybe there is too much moving and not enough waiting and experiencing and really knowing.

Yesterday, I ran 7 miles and the first half nearly killed me. The hills seemed like mountains and the flat parts seemed too steep. I wondered what I was doing. It was my idea to train for a half marathon and I can just as easily stop training. It was hot and humid and I had only three hours of sleep the night before. I was thirsty and feeling dizzy, but I kept going because I was running with a friend and I didn’t want to compromise his workout. I also didn’t want to look stupid.

At about mile 5, my calves were telling me to stop. My mind had given up at mile 3 and I almost gave into my sore legs when I realized that running is just as much mental as it is physical and that I could choose to finish the run or to stop and walk home. I chose to finish. The last 3 miles were the easiest. My legs hurt but my mind and my heart were in a better place. And my sore muscles today are a reminder that I got through.
Just like our emotional woundings are really battle scars that remind us that we are still here, that we got through, that we learned something and that next time, we can choose how to cope.


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