they pay to kiss your feet

since there's no one else around, we let our hair grow long and forget all we used to know. then our skin gets thicker from living out in the snow.

Thursday, December 11, 2008


so, i'm brushing my teeth. and i'm at the point where the sonic care is telling me i'm almost done. i just have to leave the brush on my back molar for a few more seconds. and i'm standing there, looking in the mirror. at my bed head and torn pajama shirt and my ugly pajama pants and at the spot on my face i notice too often and that eyebrow hair i needed to pluck and then it hit me - we all have junk. not physical "things" that are junk...although we have that, too. but i'm talking hidden, ugly, inside ourselves shit. that we only let a few "lucky" people see. ever.

and i don't know what it is about me, but i know a lot of people's junk. i mean their inner-most, darkest secret. the one their husband doesn't even know. the one their co-workers would never suspect. the thing that haunts them, reminding them how human they are, how breakable and sinful and imperfect.

this junk is heavy stuff. and i know it all. and here's the thing, these people, the ones who trusted me with their junk and baggage and dirty footprints, well, they don't call me "friend" anymore. interesting, right? i mean, at one point, they're telling me things that i'd only seen on lifetime television for women and then a few years later, when i start to have some junk of my own, they disappear. just. like. that.

and while i can't sit next to them or laugh with them or go shopping or to dinner or watch a movie or anything like that, i still know their junk.

and honestly, i don't know how someone can confide so many things in one person, trust them explicitly with details on the state of their marriage, their addictions, their past lovers -- their box full of junk, and then just cut all ties. you know? how could i have hurt them that much?

and when i did hurt them...even indirectly...did i just add to their pile of junk? or was it that they had too much junk that they could not bare to add one more piece?


  • At 11:40 AM, Blogger Unknown said…

    I think that people either move on because you are in different places in life, or they move on because they are hurt, or they move on because they are uncomfortable with you knowing their junk and feel the relationship can't get past that, or they move on because of something else.

    I'm still trying to figure it out in my relationships. I have a good friend from college that I miss so much. We've never been able to repair the "junk" damage.

    I miss her.

  • At 1:14 PM, Blogger Pensive Girl said…

    i would also say that they move on because the are immature. and that when a seemingly 'perfect' friend's life gets messy, they don't know how to handle it.

  • At 4:25 PM, Blogger dreamer said…

    it's a sensitive subject. i think it happens all too often because people are selfish, focused on themselves. they need to share their load of junk so it's not so heavy, but they don't even realize that other people have junk too. we forget how human we all really are. and, at times, we all do a poor job of seeing beyond our own pile.

    i understand where you're coming from. maybe some of us are made to carry more than others.

    ps. i want to know your junk. :)

  • At 1:15 AM, Blogger elovewilson said…

    i deal with the same thing. b & i were just talking about how so many close people can just disappear. and not even call back when you call. and it really hurts! it's hard to come to the conclusion that you're just in a different place in life - because isn't friendship supposed to move with you? and you w/ it? i don't's something maybe i'll never understand but have to allow myself not to feel hurt somehow... :)

  • At 4:06 AM, Blogger Author said…

    I once had a friend who had a rough childhood. Later in her life she was raped. She had all this junk to deal with and it all surfaced at once. She checked herself into a psychiatric hospital. Her friends came to visit her...she got worse. Turns out all her friends wanted to do was offload their junk onto her. She finally told all of them to get out of her life...she got better.

    Some of us are healers. We see the world differently and we feel the world differently. When I listen and help others and take on their junk, it's because it makes me happy and it's what I want. Sometimes I feel like I should be rewarded for it but the reward is just allowing myself to be me in helping others. If they chose to leave it doesn't mean I did anything wrong or they are doing something's just apart of life and I have accepted that. It's funny how they always come back though. Turns out I've got a gift and how many people can say that.


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