they pay to kiss your feet

since there's no one else around, we let our hair grow long and forget all we used to know. then our skin gets thicker from living out in the snow.

Friday, November 30, 2007

should i?

so i'm thinking about changing the hair up a bit. i really like this. but maybe the full-on bangs would get annoying? thoughts? advice? please proceed with comments.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

a sick, sad world

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

and check.

things accomplished this week (heaven forbid it's only wednesday):

cried on the way to the ER
visited the ER
cried at the ER
visited the urologist
cried while trying to explain problem to urologist
took tylenol 3
picked up prescription for 6th round of antibiotics
worked full days monday and tuesday
participated in a hispanic immersion meeting
tried clamato (the drink)
liked clamato
realized clamato has a lot of msg in it
decided it tastes good enough to drink on occasion anyway
took wednesday off due to the tylenol 3
worked from home anyway
found out sister will be induced on sunday night
realized i will be an aunt by monday
peed once every hour for 3 days straight
took two hour tylenol-3-induced nap
and peed in a cup 2 times (for the ER and the urologist)

are we having fun yet?

and it's not gone.

my UTI issue landed me in the ER last night. i'm trying to find some humor in all of this and will, therefore, owe you all a post about the characters in the waiting room. but right now, i'm pissed. i'm pissed that this hasn't gone away. i'm pissed that the ER doctor told me there were things in my urine that shouldn't be there but that he couldn't do anything about it. i'm pissed that my only option is to go see a specialist this afternoon and then, likely, wait for them to schedule more testing. i'm scared and i don't like this. not one bit.

Monday, November 26, 2007


i miss gus so much right now that i'm not okay. i'll be alright tomorrow. but tonight, i want him in my bed.

notes from thanksgiving (or the things i learned)

1. you will lose silverware in the hustle and bustle of turkey day. next time, use plastic.

2. tim's turkey gets better every year.

3. next year, don't let sister and tim take the majority of the turkey leftovers. put your foot (and your Tupperware) down.

4. do turn mashed potato leftovers into potato pancakes stuffed with brie.

5. always have pre-ground coffee for early morning thanskgiving emergencies. because something always breaks on turkey day. and it could be your coffee grinder.

6. do enjoy wine beginning at noon and ending at midnight.

7. keep your coat closet stocked with coats if you want thanksgiving guests to take a post-dinner walk around town.

8. breathe. doing that many dishes only happens once a year.

Saturday, November 24, 2007

border war


nuff said.

i bleed black and gold.

do you?

Thursday, November 22, 2007

gobble, gobble

this thanksgiving was the first holiday hosted by me. we brought in a folding table and made do with my great aunt's china. see below. (yes, it looks better suited to a baby shower or easter, but it's what i have and it was lovely.)

everyone was there. here i am with my sister and my mom. my sister is going to pop my niece out of that belly any day now. then, i'll be an aunt. hard to believe, i know.

before the meal, we snacked on brie and crackers. we also drank wine and beer. yay, thanksgiving.
it's rare that my brother, sister and i are in the same city. here we all are on my couch. i'm the oldest. can you tell?

my brother and i are really funny. you should want to hang out with us because of how fantastic we are. just look at those faces.

to see out the windows in my loft, you have to stand on these wooden boxes. my dad convinced my grandpa to get up on one. there they are, gazing at the city. i was afraid they would fall and had to walk away. thankfully, they made it down.

my brother-in-law is the turkey-master. he came over at 9 a.m. to prepare it. he infused the butter with rosemary and lavender. it was the best bird i've ever consumed. not even kidding. look at that color on it. wow.

my brother and sister-in-law enjoyed their meal thoroughly. (who wouldn't have?) my brother insisted on eating the turkey leg. i was fine with that. i prefer white meat.

that's my plate and my white wine. i can't drink red. sad, i know. but i make do. especially when the white wine if divine and abundant. and it was.

i just realized we forgot to do the wishbone. shoot.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

glad to give thanks.

my thanksgiving gladiolas.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

wow. just wow.

again, i give you paul flinders. if you haven't check his work out yet, do it.

Monday, November 19, 2007

another reason to kill me now.

so four weeks later, i am still sick. i have good days surrounded with bad days and very bad hours and some pretty uncomfortable nights. i went to a new doctor today. she was much more thorough, tested for lots of things and put me on MORE antibiotics. (side note: i'm firing my old doctor who told me i was better, didn't offer to culture my urine and said i should see a specialist if i was still having symptoms.) anyway, while i was at the new doctor, i felt better even though they said my urine still showed infection. (take that, old doctor!)

but now tonight, i'm miserable. i can't move. and i'm afraid it's in my kidneys. is it okay to cry now? i've been so good. so optimistic. i just feel like such a piece of work right now. i'm an emotional nightmare for my friends and family. i just want to feel well again. i've decided to not be a prisoner to this pesky illness, and so i've started running again. it usually makes me feel okay. better even. but not right now. right now i feel scared and alone. all because of a stupid bladder infection. one that has lasted a month. one that won't go away. one that is making me say, "oh my gosh, i've actually gone four hours without peeing." to complete strangers on good days.

kill me now

i can't get "mexico" by james taylor out of my head.


it rained this morning
but I didn’t feel it.
i was nestled between soft down
and a firm matress.

the drops fell — making sidewalks that wet brown color —
the one that used to mean it was time to go inside
because little girls didn’t need to play in the rain.

the clouds waved goodbye to their moisture
but i missed the show.

i was sleeping
peaceful, comforting sleep
the kind that knows no enemy
only the secure feeling of being loved
and of loving
and of dreaming to the drone of a fan
that drowns out noise like
speeding cars
barking dogs
quarreling lovers
and the sound rain makes as it hits
100-year-old brick

and so
i woke oblivious
to the suddenly warm, spring-like day

and when i stepped outside
the city looked alive.

Friday, November 16, 2007

what are the chances?

last night i ran on the treadmill at the "gym" in my new building. when i got back to my loft, i had a myspace email waiting from a friend i hadn't seen or heard from in seven years. it said, "hey, this is really random, but i swear i saw a girl who looks like you in my apartment building downtown."

i wrote him back, saying that i lived downtown and asking where he lived.

he wrote back with, "if you live at "blank blank blank THE EXACT ADDRESS I HAVE" then we live in the same building.

i wrote back and said, "OMG i'm in (my loft number.) where are you?"

two seconds later, someone knocked on my door.

i was in my PJs so i didn't answer. i figured i'd write him back and explain. when i got back to my computer, an email was awaiting me saying that his loft number was one away from mine. he lived right across the fricking hall. how bizarre. so i said to myself, "screw my PJs, i'm going to say hello."

anyway, small world, no?

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

and a hug from garth brooks.

look. look at me. that's garth brooks. that's his hand on my shoulder. this photo is better than the next one.
(terrible photo, but who cares.)

birthday girl.

my dad called me this morning to tell me that when he turned 28, he realized he was getting up there. an hour later, a co-worker asked me if i turned 23 today.

my sister surprised me with a visit to work and an americano from starbucks. then i had a birthday lunch at nara where i shared sake and sushi with my work team. when i returned to my desk i had 1/2 dozen baby cakes waiting for me.

until what age is it appropriate to nurse being a birthday girl? because i'm thinking i never want to stop.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

and my birthday week begins.

friday night my sister went into serious labor. three minute apart contractions. pain. horribly ugly hospital gown. fetal monitor. and massive hospital 'underwear' to catch anything that might have escaped as she was instructed to walk around for an hour to help coax her cervix into opening. the walking didn't work. at about 11 p.m., she went home. and when she woke in the morning, her labor had stopped. there is a chance, though, that my first niece could be born tomorrow - my birthday.

since the baby stayed inside a bit longer, my sister and brother-in-law were able to come to my first birthday dinner. the one with my dad. we had wine at my loft and then we had mongolian barbecue at the only place in town to have mongolian barbecue. you know the place. (important side note - um, my loft was PERFECT for entertaining and drinking wine.)

after dinner, i had a martini at vivace. have you been there? talk about a strange atmosphere. all of the men look like they stepped out of the godfather. italian-looking sport coat across the table from a woman in fringed leather. and then there was the lounge singer who was so bad, i thought it was a cd until he started walking around shoving the mic in people's faces. classy.

sunday i road-tripped to grain valley. i know, right? but hey, i'd never been there. and i was accompanying my favorite person. so, it worked out. and then i discovered the mall of all malls - independence center. it was like being on vacation. i hate malls. but if i need to go to one again, i'm going to go there. it was big and clean and it even had the buckle.

tomorrow is my actual birthday. i'm turning 28. shocking, i know. and as long as that baby stays in my sister a bit longer, i'm getting a massage and a birthday dinner. friday is my birthday dinner at my mom's and then saturday, i'm celebrating again. see, last year i didn't do a lot of celebrating. at all. and this year, i plan to do things differently. i have many blessings to be thankful for and i am surrounded by people who love me. and that's the best gift of all.

Saturday, November 10, 2007

the inside of home.

Thursday, November 08, 2007

the bane of my existence.

so, it's no secret that i have a UTI. and because it's not a secret, i'm going to talk about it. read at your own risk.

it sucks. it is the most horrible, uncomfortable thing my body has ever been afflicted with. i've had these before, but not like this one. this one has been dragging its feet for a week and a half. i've gone through five different kinds of antibiotics and it just keeps getting worse. now, i'm on a serious cousin of cipro (the drug that they give people when they've been exposed to anthrax.) it's a scary option. it can cause all kinds of bad things. psychosis even. but it seems worth it. because last night, i couldn't even have a blanket resting anywhere near my bladder. i couldn't lay in bed for five minutes without having to race to the toilet and i couldn't get better. i just wanted to cry. and i did. a couple of times.

usually running helps me feel better. well, after my first run ever in my new neighborhood (on sunday) i haven't been able to even look at my running shoes without running for the toilet. i feel like a total slacker. i'm not good at being sick.

today i'm home for the second day in a row. i hate taking sick days. i had to reschedule an important meeting and i'm all out of soup, cranberry juice and anything that sounds halfway appealing to my feverish tummy. so i ate bear mush. it's like cream of wheat. what i really want is a huge, steamy bowl of Pho from vietnam cafe. any takers?


Wednesday, November 07, 2007

a proposal

i'd like to change the acronym UTI to mean Unbelievably and Terribly Inconvenient.

how can i make this happen?

Tuesday, November 06, 2007


this isn't a photo of gus. but it looks a lot like him. this is monkey. and, he's up for adoption, and it's taking everything in me to walk away from the idea of bringing him home.

Monday, November 05, 2007

the small cabin. by margaret atwood.

The house we built gradually
from the ground up when we were young
(three rooms, the walls
raw trees)
burned down
last year they said
I didn’t see it, and so
the house is still there in me
among branches as always I stand
inside it looking out
at the rain moving across the lake
but when I go back
to the empty place in the forest
the house will blaze and crumple
suddenly in my mind
collapsing like a cardboard carton
thrown on a bonfire, summers
crackling, my earlierselves outlined in flame.
Left in my head will be
the blackened earth: the truth.
Where did the house go?
Where do the words go
when we have said them?

Sunday, November 04, 2007

why i hate nebraska furniture mart.

yes, i may have purchased an okay counter-height table with two stools from said furniture empire on saturday. yes, i may have been impressed with the deal and the swiftness of the salesman and the coffee shop right there in the store. but, everything else in me hates nebraska furniture mart. with a passion.

i hate the aisles and aisles of lazy-boy recliners. i hate the way the sales people pounce on you - as if they are pushing used cars. and i hate, more than anything, that all of the couches basically look the same.

they may have an "urban" section that boasts moderately priced, more modern style. but let's just say nothing they offer is on-par to run in an issue of dwell magazine any time soon.

despite all of that, one of my biggest, most hated pet peeves is walking behind a pair of slow-walking strangers. nebraska furniture mart is this strange breed's habitat. everyone is so amazed at the lazy-boys and the over-stuffed floral sofas that they walk slow. with no regard for the people around them or directly behind them. and eventually, when they make their way over to the "clearance" department - as i did, they will see that half of what is displayed there is already sold. oh, nebraska furniture mart, i don't like you.

and i hate your pickup method. i have a feeling that on saturday, nebraska fans and nebraska natives would not have been a fan of it either. because saturday night, after the corn huskers were brutalized by the jayhawks, i happened upon a very drunk, very middle-aged group of nebraska fans at a local sushi restaurant. and i think at that moment, despite being clad in red and white, they were a touch disappointed to call nebraska their team, their home. and anyway, seeing them drunk and loud and annoying slightly satisfied the nebraska furniture mart hater in me. that and the bottle of hot sake.

Friday, November 02, 2007

professing my love.

chili-cheese fritos, i love you. more than i knew. more than i wanted to. more than i ever expected to love a non-organic, fatty corn chip. but it's true. i'm in love. and all i want is more of you.


while walking into the office today, i noticed that my feet were killing me. and then i realized that my feet kill me almost every day. because i insist upon wearing cute shoes. heels. peep-toes. and anything that makes my legs look longer and my jeans look divine. i've just become accustomed to my tootsies feeling pain. being a woman is hard.

and as a complete side note, why are all of the "free gifts" on facebook always gone? i want to give my friends facebook gifts, too. but i'm not about to spend actual money on a virtual jack-o-lantern or lips or a rose. i mean, who does that?

Thursday, November 01, 2007

this winter.

i chose concrete
and high ceilings
and proximity.

but i didn't choose this.

no, not this.
and this ache that doesn't go away
is not something i signed up for.
i didn't pick it from a shelf
with wide-eyes and a wider smile.
i didn't take it down and care for it;
cushioning it with lace and down and cotton - maybe bubble wrap.

i didn't pack it into a box - carefully
and load it onto a truck
with other things like
the blue couch
and the shabby-chic comforter
and that box full of photos i'm not sure he knows i have.

i didn't put it in a car instead of the u-haul
along with the artwork - pensive girl by irving amen,
originals by amy,
photo by mom - spider web echoing sunrise
i didn't do that.

and this dying inside has to be healing.
but sometimes, it just feels like death.
and i'm not currently a fan
of winter.


i just ate chili-cheese fritos. at 10 a.m.